BM  has been relatively silent for the last few weeks, but this weekend she emailed and asked DH when he would resume his visits. Less than 24 hours later, she sends the same message again and adds that overly-dramatic SS (the one who found it "traumatic" to come to our home less than six months ago), said, "it's so unfair that I can't see my dad." DH has been facetiming with both kids regularly and neither has said, "hey dad, when can we come to your house?", apparently, they only share their "feelings" with BM.

I posted this as a comment on a forum posting and then decided I wanted to share my thoughts more broadly on "how to be a perfect stepmother". Would love to hear what others think...

TL;dr - The secret to being a perfect stepmom is to realize that you have no needs, you don't matter. You exist to make up for all the mistakes that DH and BM made. You also exist to be the scapegoat for all the mistakes DH and BM continue to make. 

We live at one of the epicenters of COVID-19 - schools are closed, restaurants are closed, churches are closed, no gatherings over 50 people, gatherings under 50 people must demonstrate they meet public health guidelines. We are averaging about 230 new confirmed cases a day. Not on lockdown, yet, but we probably should be. DH is freaking out because he can't work remotely and he's convinced he's being exposed at work.

SSs aren't even in high school, yet, but today, BM demanded money for college. It doesn't matter to her neither kid is college material. One has Ds in all of his core course, the other has As and Bs, but his grades are all "modified" due to BM's claim that he has OCD caused by grade anxiety. Both score at "below grade level" on the state math and reading assessments. One is well below grade-level.