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Resentment grows deeper, questioning our marriage

counseling.advocate's picture

Still questioning our marriage. Not sure if I've talked about this weeks ago or what but as he doesn't do as he's promised, my resentment toward him grows deeper. I love him and there are good times... But...

- I don't want to have sex with him. It's becoming a hassle. I give and give with nothing I request in return.
- won't get a batter job, so therefore we will never have a house(vs an apartment), room for a baby, with anything left to live on. Shit, we need to buy an extra car now, how will we afford that because he's too lazy to go back to being an electrician or whatever a new trade.
- leave me to turn your brats into good ppl? Impossible. They are BM and I'm coming to terms that they are just like her and will never be like my DS. Because they aren't mine. So you fucking deal with them you're almost 40 asshole. You don't "recognize" when they are being brats all the time? Or think the whining is ok and that they can be inconsistent, fine. Ill parent mine, the girls will think I don't care about them, again, and I'll be like you know what, go ask your dad why the rules are different for DS vs you two and see what he says.
- he's not as mean/rude as he was. More so condescending I guess in his tone. I told him all my feelings and he's working on that right now... Which is nice. I notice.
- remember, I'm 25, you're 38, meaning yes we still need to leave the house because I am still living my 20's and am experiencing things. I'm not ready to just sit on the couch 24/7 and watch shows and movies on our days off. I want to go to the beach, out to dinner, winery, friends, whatever! Fresh air!

Anyways I had to vent. I question our marriage, we just got married a year ago and it's tough. Resentment grows deeper, yet I still wait for him to get off, text him through the day and love him. But sometimes I feel like leaving his ass. But I promised his dad he wouldn't lose me as a daughter in law a year ago and ugh to put the kids and all the family through another divorce, how stressful on everyone. And us.

But I want a baby, not with someone I'm unsure about.

Maybe I'll just have a baby with someone else, so if we don't work out, we don't share custody Wink lol

counseling.advocate's picture

I should probably give a couple examples of how he's rude to me.
Sometimes he quizzes me. Like if we're with his family talking about history from 70's-80's or before, or something, he'll ask me if I knew it or if I remember it (If it were from early 90's). I've been stepping up heavily and firing back "Why would you ask me that?" etc.
On facebook I heard there was an earthquake but I didn't feel it. He said "Where was the center of it?" I dont know. "Don't you know there's a center to every earthquake??!" Rude. I got pissed.
Just condescending tone. I call his ass out every time.

But yeah. I DO believe a man who takes pride in his family wants to work hard to build a home, family and savings for the future. He's 38, he doesn't have much time to make a career move and we will have nothing when we are OLD FARTS if he doesn't have a good career.

MamaFox's picture

You're such a bright and intelligent young woman. Please rethink this relationship. You honestly deserve better.

counseling.advocate's picture

Yep, rethinking it. On a consistent basis. I even told him. I poured my heart out and told him everything I feel and hate all in one sitting. Not just here and there in our counseling sessions. and he said "I have never once had a second thought about marrying you, I can't believe you are saying THAT"

Just me in a big pool of fish's picture

I wish I could offer u some advice but am basically experiencing the same thing as well as having resentment that dh stupidly has two BMs and as a result is slow to have children with me. That resentment is building more and more especially as we have ss every weekend

counseling.advocate's picture

Fuck. Two BM's? I couldn't deal. If DH and I had a kid together and broke up, he would have a hell of a time finding a new woman. Because his ex is a hell of a psycho bitch, and I wouldn't be too psycho but he just would be fucked.

and ugh every weekend. You two have no weekends to yourselves. I hope you guys get to get a babysitter to go out sometimes. Our BM told our SD11, "when you are 15, you can decide who to live with." Stupid! She would totally decide to live with us! And helllllllll no. I would tell DH no way. Not happening. She can go live with BM full time. We have half time with SD's and I can't stand it already.

Disneyfan's picture

Maybe your husband is feeling some resentment as well. Didn't you say you aren't working? He may be upset that he's providing the basics for you and son. His parents are paying for extras for all of you. Instead of you getting a job to help out, you're pushing him to earn more.

If you aren't happy, then staying will just make everyone miserable.

counseling.advocate's picture

I finally found a job, yay!! With a great company, I start Wednesday. I don't think he was resentful because I'm good at saving money everywhere we can and I have some child support coming in to help, but it was definitely stressful.

Justme54's picture

What is the deal on him not getting a better job? Did he have a better job and got laid off...then took the first job...then just stayed there...not looking to get back in his field?

counseling.advocate's picture

He got fired from his last job for damaging a plant before he met me. They were laying off people in his company (hotel). It was stupid, he got unemployment for that. Prior to that he worked with several contractors one after the other and made good money when he was with his last wife, 10 years ago he was making the most I think.

Now I think he doesn't want to drive 40 mins to and from where the apprentiship program would be. We live in between two major cities in california and no one really makes good money locally unless you get lucky or maybe after he became a journeyman he could find a good job if it were with a company, but not a contractor. This is a commuter town and everyone knows that.

Plus he worries about getting laid off.

If he were more persistent with his managers about becoming an assistant manager at his work and bettering himself, then I might buy into his idea of making a retail job his career. But he waits for an opportunity to come to him and that's not how it works. There are so many candidates and you have to fight for it.

counseling.advocate's picture

Definitely not. I refuse to shuttle a baby back and forth again and have two BF's!!! Lol it would have to be after he improves all the above areas and if he does. I suppose I should give him a reasonable time frame.

counseling.advocate's picture

That's a great philosophy. I start work on Wednesday and I hope my successes will inspire him. I always come home, talking about my day and how well I'm doing, proud of myself and maybe that will inspire him. Want him to be proud of himself.

counseling.advocate's picture

It's hard to find a good man lol. I know DH is a good man, but his baggage and all of the above is becoming heavy. His personality/character is valuable and we're best friends, however from my first marriage I DO know that love is not enough!!

Where did the "life" in him go? It's like the older he gets the life disappears!