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Welcoming Nasty Adult SC back into the picture....HELP

laybay's picture

Well, I am new to this site, but am looking for some advice. My husband and I were married coming up on three years ago in a few weeks. We recently had a tragic loss of a close friend which has stirred up some deep emotions for us. When we got married, we went away and were married privately with no family or children. I have two children, and he has three. My two were ecstatic! His were furious. His ex was furious as well. His ex's emotions obviously fueled his children's as well. Over time the resentment got deeper and deeper, the name calling and actions got worse. At first my husband just poo poo'd their behavior and brushed it off. As it got worse, and he saw what it was doing to me he finally took a stand and started standing up to them telling them we wouldn't put up with it. As a result of all of this and about a year into our marriage, there was no communication with any of the step children or with his parents because of our commitment to not let their behaviors continue. Now because of the loss of our friend, he feels the necessity to try and calm the waters I am frightened to allow them back in due to the very mean and very stressful things that were going on. Not to mention I don't want my children around that type of behavior. When we decided to block them out of our lives until they could grow up, it was agreed upon that we would wait until they came to us. I am asking him to abide by that decision. I feel bad, and understand he misses his kids, but on the other hand am not willing to let the disrespect back into my household. We agreed to wait for a few months and let things settle. I am afraid this is going to affect our marriage. Anybody else going thru or have been thru this? Help? Afraid and worried in Wisconsin.

laybay's picture

They are all girls, 18, 21, and 23. I was always nice to these girls in the the point of almost pathetic! Which is why I always question why this is happening/happened. My DH and I have always tried to be a united front because the girls and DH mother take advantage of the situation if I am not present which causes more problems. He tends to be very agreeable and convincible to anything and everything if I am not there with him which is why we always made sure we showed the unified front thing. The other issue is that he told me he would make them apologize if there ever came the time when we were to be back on speaking terms....I doubt that he will hold them to that and how can you get past something if there isn't an apology and a starting point???

laybay's picture

You so hit the nail on the head with this post! This sound exactly like what I went thru before the ex-communication if you will. That is why I think I am so afraid of this "reconciliation" that he wants to do. You are right, I should just let him do what he is going to do and not worry about it. My MIL is the same way! Unbelievable! Will stick her nose in anything just to get things stirred up! As far as the girls sticking together---OMG! It is unreal! The other unusual thing is that the ex is remarried and they all just love him. And there is a new baby on that side and he is the best thing to ever happen to them, but all three SD wont give my children the time of day.

SugarSpice's picture

agree with this. girls always tend to want to be daddys bests girl or girls. look up mini wife in the search feature. its a real common occurrence and you need to be aware of it.

furkidsforme's picture

Well, there is so much left unsaid here.

How old are the kids?
Was your DH cheating with you? (not saying it makes it OK for kids to treat you poorly, but let's be realistic- it is unreasonable to expect them to welcome you with open arms if this did happen)
Did it appear he got into a relationship with you either while still with BM or right after?

I'm guessing there is more to this story, especially if his parents won't speak to him either.

laybay's picture

No, he wasn't cheating with me. We met right after he got divorced. His ex was cheating on him and had a child but his SC accept that SP just fine. It is the manipulation on the ex's part that has caused the majority of the problems. As far as his parents go, they were unhappy with some decisions we made as far as insurance and things go.....both adult girls had their own insurance so we cancelled them from our policy and his parents went crazy and called my DH a terrible father and took the girls side. Since then there has been no communication from them either. It is just a sad sad situation and I seem to be the one bearing the brunt of it. I hate to sound like I am whining, but the past three years seem like forever with all this drama. I never imagined this when I said I do.

laybay's picture

Sorry, kind of new to this. Not sure how much to say and how to say it. Trying to reach out to people in the same boat. Have tried counseling and therapy, but they don't understand as they haven't dealt with the same situations.

Krissy09's picture

Maybe they have changed. Unfortunately you'll never know until you subject yourself to them again. You make get hurt again but like you guys did before you can always walk away...with a clear conscious too! Try to encourage the relationship rebuild just so your husband does not build resentment toward be very honest with you, I wouldn't want anything to do with his family...but I wouldn't want him to reset me for not attempting to reconcile either.

still learning's picture

Yes, he can rekindle HIS relationship with HIS children at their homes, at a coffee shop, at a park, at a lodge.....anywhere but your home. You do not have to be present or be a part of it or put up with their disrespect in your home.

laybay's picture

This was just medical insurance, and they were informed of the cancellation in plenty of time to start their other policies. They just started the drama with complaining to grandma and grandpa that they were dropped with no alternate insurance which is why the problems started with his parents who wanted no part in hearing the truth from us. very sad that the adults were sucked into this mess and are acting like the kids.

sandye21's picture

I am in your situation. My SD was banned from our home 4 years ago after going ballistic on me. DH did not handle it well, running out of the house, he said he didn't want to be in the middle. After being given the option of leaving or working on the marriage, he chose the marriage. As a result, SD is no longer in communication with him.

He can visit her outside of our home any time he wants except the day of a holiday or my birthday. But he hasn't. There may come a time he or SD wants to rekindle the relationship. That's fine but if she is to set foot on our doorstep he must tell her in my presence that she is to respect me in our home. This is non-negotiable.

You should never allow someone in your home who does not respect you. Period.

laybay's picture

Do you fear the day that the reconciliation comes? Doesn't it seem easier with things the way they are? I know that sounds aweful, we as mothers are supposed to be fixers, right? I do like your agreement about spending time with them anytime he wants except for holidays or birthdays. Sounds like our situations are very similar. Girls are way nastier than boys!

sandye21's picture

The only fears I have about reconciliation day is if DH decides he wants to either leave or he brings SD into our home without insisting that she respect me in my home. In either case I am prepared to end the marriage. I could no longer live with him if he did. In the last four years I have worked on my self-worth. I now believe in my heart that I deserve a Husband who lives by the words he spoke to me when we got married: "--to honor" me as his wife. It is very dishonorable and disrespectful of a man to allow his children to treat his wife badly for no good reason.

Yes, it IS easier the way things are at present but if DH wants to have a relationship with his daughter he should be free to do so. The point you brought up about us being 'fixers' is so true. That is why I put up with it for over 20 years - because I believed I could fix the unjustified hate SD had for me if I was just nice long enough. It didn't work.

laybay's picture

He tells me that he would never let things go down the path they went down before. I want to believe him, but they were just so mean, nasty, vindictive, I could go on and on with adjectives to describe them. Some not so nice! I guess I just need to trust that he does honor those wedding vows. This is my second marriage....I truly believed it would be my last. I told myself I wouldn't marry again to somebody with kids, but love is blind and I did. Looking back......well you know.

laybay's picture

Thank you all for your comments. I would like to hope that he would stand up and tell them that if they enter our home they are to respect me. I think if that line is drawn, that things may be able to move forward. I would like things to someday be better, but unfortunately the hurt never seems to fade as a lot of you know. As one person mentioned, we do like to spend our time together, so maybe if he tells them that is how it is, they will come around. I will keep you all posted, and again, thank you for your advice. I always appreciate it....and will continue to read if anybody has more! Smile

peacemaker's picture

I can relate to your situation...I have been married for 27 years and that is where we are at in our relationship today. Unfortunately my situation went on wayyyyy too long...

I have found a new freedom in how I choose to do life..I have been disengaged for 3 years...i have a new respect for myself and my bio family...just like you...and they are still stuck in the "old way of how they do things because they have not changed at all..when I ask my dh what the goal is when he has attempted to re-engge with all the hate and bitterness that still resides in them today...and how is it going to be different" I have informed him I cannot for my sanity's sake go back to that toxic culture...Freedom can be a bit messy....

They are adults .They choose now...they can repeat what they have learned, and pass that on to their offspring, or they can break free from this toxic way of thinking...but it is their choice...some are truly narcissists and will never change...

Be strong...stand firm...protect your personhood and your children...stay true to yourself.. because in the you lived your life regardless of all this external commotion is what you will have to either celebrate or resent....peace

peacemaker's picture

a good tube video called codependency recovery stages psych central is very informative and helpful.

Tk29's picture

I too have disengaged for about a year now and I feel sooo much better. Please don't think when they reconcile DH will do all he says...mine just melted and complied with everything SD's requested, did he reset boundaries relating to their treatment of me as he'd promised, of course not.
I can tell you it's not easy disengaging but it eases the terrible feelings when they dissapoint and be downright rude.
Eldest SD still calls the shots as if she was a child but now I think crack on girl as he has to comply alone.
Good luck to you x