What to do?!
I am not married or engaged to my boyfriend. Though I love him very much. We have an amazing relationship and put each other first always because we are planning to marry one day soon and also start a family. He has two kids from a previous marriage. I am very young and finishing college so we decided not to move in together for another year. (When I am finished with school).
I plan on moving to Chicago in order to pursue a career and be closer to my family. He and his kids live in Wisconsin. He has no problem moving to be with me, but I am not sure his ex wife will agree to taking the kids during the week and us seeing them every other weekend. It's not like I do not like his children because I do and I like spending time with them. But I am really excited to start our own family and don't really want his kids around all the time.
I cannot believe that I found this site because I have been feeling like a horrible person for not wanting them around very much. Are situations easier when stepkids are around only every other weekend? And how do blended families work?
We ( me and my girlfriend)
We ( me and my girlfriend) have my kids every other weekend and once during the week. My ex is the custodial parent and it seems to work great. You need to find time to be fair to both. It is not easy, but I have ajusted to it now. It took me about a year and I am still not 100% into it. Being with my kids every day , then once or twice a week is sad, but atleast I see them and still show them that I love them. They are a product of divorce and it is not pretty. Good Luck.
Are you upset with your
Are you upset with your girlfriend because of the new situation? I just want to really enjoy our time with his kids when they come but not feel resentful towards them because I never get alone time with him.
Just some thoughts (which you
Just some thoughts (which you may not like)...
You said you are young, (I don't know HOW young that means) and you and your 'amazing' boyfriend want to start a family one day. But just remember, you cannot simply 'discount' the children he already HAS and pretend to start this new, amazing life with just the two of you, where "baby makes three."
Because 'you and he' are already 'you and he and his two children.' Oh, AND his EX-WIFE! And that is FOREVER! And you are going to have to come to terms with this little fact and all that it encompasses as soon as possible, or you are going to have one rude awakening- and FAST!
Because it 'sounds' like maybe you are thinking that his kids won't be around all that much. They will! After all, they are HIS CHILDREN, and you can't change that. If he's a good, decent man, you would HOPE he would actually want them around! And wouldn't you want to know that this 'amazing man' is going to be a good dad to YOUR FUTURE CHILD?
Well, what better predictor is there of how he will be to YOUR child than how he is as a father to his PRESENT children? Don't you want to see that? Don't you want to see him interacting with his children to know how he will one day interact with your child?
But even without this factor, I would caution you, if he is indeed a good man, he will want to see his kids- as much as possible. And if he dectects any impediment to someone or something keeping him from seeing them, he will eventually become very resentful of that person, so please be mindful of that fact.
This advice comes from many years of experience. Take it or leave it for what it's worth, with no malice intended!
And good luck!
Honestly, I appreciate any
Honestly, I appreciate any advice. Especially from people who have plenty of experience with this situation.
He is a great man! He is always responsible with his children and a very doting dad! I love how he is with his children and know very well that he will be a great dad with our children.
I guess more or less I was asking these questions because we are going engagement ring shopping within the next couple of weeks. I am 22 (young, I know) and he is 32. So its easy for me to realize that he had a life before he met me that was much different than a teenage college student.
At the same time, we both agree that our marriage (relationship) is to be put above other relationships in our lives including our own children. Because we both agree that children need a stable loving environment to grow up in which (to us) includes parents that are very respectful and in love with one another.
The ex-wife is not an issue because he hates her and any contact with her is made around me also! I also know that starting a family with me will be much different because he loves his future children's mother (me) so much.
He sees no problem with having his children every other weekend so that makes me feel less stressed considering they are very ill behaved children. (2 & 4 so I do not blame them at all)
I just wanted to know if seeing your stepkids every other weekend makes home life easier for a new marriage and new baby!
Well, it's still going to be
Well, it's still going to be quite a challenge- and I'm a realist, so I'm not going to candy-coat it for you, if that's ok.
First of all, the kids are 2 and 4. That's a LONG time of EOW before they turn 18. And trust me, I have been doing the Stepparenting thing for over 7 years now- it's been quite an "adventure." And I have a degree in education, so I know kids and child development, which givens me the upper hand to begin with.
I also have my own, which helps and gives me the "clout" in the home of being a "real" mom. Trust me, the first time your BF says something to the effect of, "you don't even HAVE kids, so you don't know," that will escalate to one BIG fight! So be aware (even the BEST guys slip up when it comes to protecting THEIR wonderful kids, trust me).
And you noted that the kids are ill-behaved, indicating poor-parenting or a "Guilt-Daddy" syndrome, which has to be addressed quickly. BF may be indulging them out of the extreme guilt he's feeling for only seeing them EOW- that will wreak complete havoc on your relationship! (Read some posts on this from the boards or I can get you more info- this is a HUGE issue for divorced dads).
Just some more things to think about before you get that ring...
I would love some more
I would love some more information because I am so lost in this situation now. I feel its impossible to ever be away from my boyfriend because I love him so much. My Mom is a step mom to my two older brothers but she feels as though she is their mom along with their own. And everyone gets along so well and I love my brothers more than anything so why cant I just love his kids also?
By the way, I consider myself
By the way, I consider myself a very logical person and would in no way marry this man without addressing all these issues first! So, thank you!
Well, it takes time to grow a
Well, it takes time to grow a relationship, especially with small children. Don't put so much pressure on yourself- you're not going to instantly "love" them- and no one should expect you to.
But understand, and know this deep in your heart- these children WILL be a part of your life forever. Warts and all. And you may possible not like them. And they may not like you. It's wonderful that your mom and your stepbrothers have fostered a loving relationship over the years, but that is not always the case. It may be, but lower your expectations- this way you will not be disappointed.
Just go into this with your eyes WIDE OPENED. Read some of these blogs from these very wise women (and men!)who have wlked the walk for many years and learn from them. You will be quite surprised to see what you can learn!