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Modifying placement schedule, looking for opinions

jesslynne's picture

(I posted this in the family court forum as well but I think it may be better suited here since I'm just looking for general opinions...)

Sooo I live in Wisconsin. I have a SS4. DH is the non-custodial parent with joint legal custody. Pays child support. Current CO states he has periods of placement at reasonable times upon prior notice to mother, very general statement. We currently have been a keeping a schedule of every other weekend with BM, and working out holidays as we go. This schedule has been very consistent for about 2 years.

BM is aware we have decided to move to Nevada in August (we are helping plant a church, it's voluntary so it's not a move for a job- just a personal decision). We are going to sit down with BM this week to discuss how to work out a placement schedule after we move.

DH (and I) want to have placement with SS from the third week of June to the second week of August every year. Basically most of the summer but with some buffer time between end and start of school so he can adjust (he starts pre-k this fall). We also want to have placement during his winter break from school, from the day after xmas to two days before school resumes every other year, and from dec 23rd to the 30th on the opposite years (so each year one parent will have SS for either xmas holidays, or new years, but not both).

We want to keep the "at reasonable times upon prior notice to mother" clause in the case that DH is able to make a trip back to Wisconsin at any other time during the year.

I found out if BM and DH can come to an agreement on the terms, they can file a stipulation to modify the CO and avoid a hearing and any court fees whatsoever. This would be ideal, but until we sit down with BM we won't know her take on the situation.

Does what DH will be asking sound reasonable to you? We aren't asking for any other holidays because we are a lower income family (so is BM) so obligating ourselves to more travel expenses throughout the year will be difficult.

Also, is there a way to put a phone call schedule into a CO as well? I'd like to have it so BM has to give an allotted amount of time each week for either a phone call or webcam (Skype) conversation between DH and SS. I just don't know how to word that into a proposal for modifying the CO. He's only 4 so phone calls would be relatively short, but maintaining consistent contact is important to us.

BM isn't necessarily completely unreasonable, but she has her moments where she clearly just wants to cause drama rather than do what's in SS's best interests. I'm just praying this sit-down with her goes ok. If you've been through this before or have any ideas on how to approach this, or maybe something we're not thinking of here, I would appreciate any info/advice. Thanks so much!

dreamingofhappiness's picture

Unfortunately, I agree with HRNYC. You are moving away from a STABLE environment to cause issues. I am a step parent. And I was sternly informed when I married my husband we are moving to the town his kids live so he can see them more. I HATE THIS TOWN!!!! Always have, but I am here for my Family. For you to choose to leave the child and make that child wonder what he did to make daddy leave is incomprehensible....

texstep's picture

Speaking as a long distance NCP SM, I would try to figure out a way not to move away. DH is long distance because BM disappeared for 6 months when ss was 8months old (long enough to establish residencey in another state), and since they weren't married DH had no legal way to make her move ss3 back to our town.

It is a hard hard battle to accomplish anything should BM and you DH ever stop getting along well. If we thought for a second BM wouldn't move again (since she was in another state by the time the courts located her, DH couldn't have a no move clause added), we would move to where they live.

I wish you luck

Superstopmommy's picture

It is not unreasonable but please be preapred to be flexible on the schedules when consulting with BM.

my.kids.mom's picture

A church plant...so I'm assuming you're Christian? And you are relocating to NV, which is the state with the 2nd WORST economy in the country? Leaving a 4 yr old child behind...

Congratulations. Like MANY Christian parents you have just put your religion before a child. Your husband wants to leave his child to go minister to strangers? Hmmmmm. You say you are both low income. Why not stay and work on a career that will provide more opportunities for the child while growing up? There are people in need all over the country. Nobody needs to relocate to minister to people. If dh has not established himself financially to the point he can up and leave whenever he wants, he does not get that luxury when he is divorced and can't take his child with him.

Likely your dh thinks bm will continue taking care of the child as usual. That isn't the only need a child has. A boy needs his father. It is one thing to move out of necessity, especially in this economy. But to go voluntarily...not good. I'm a Christian. And I believe raising our kids is much more important than building a church. If you have to choose between the two, the choice should be easy.

jesslynne's picture

Thank you for your opinions, I do respect and understand all of them in spite of the negativity. Admittedly, I was more focused on how to handle requesting a change to the CO for after we move rather than the reason for moving. That's not to say I don't know that the reason is important - I truly do. But unfortunately the decision is made. I'm not going to try to justify keeping with this decision - it's a very personal matter. But I will say that when the decision was made, it was after we were informed that BM was planning to move to Arizona. The Nevada opportunity for us popped up right about the same time, so we decided rather than fight to keep her in WI we would all move. The 3 of us had sat down and discussed this. Months later, after we made the commitment to go, BM changed her mind and decided to stay here. (Like I said, I won't try to justify our decision to go forward with the move anyway. If anyone wants to bash me for saying that, so be it. I can understand where you're coming from.)

Side note - Not that it changes anything as far as SS is concerned, but DH is not divorced- he and BM were never married and weren't even together at time of SS's birth. BM has not always been the one taking care of SS either... that's a story in and of itself. Either way the past is the past, I wish BM and DH could learn to forgive and move forward because both of them have made really dumb decisions regarding SS and I constantly have to mediate and remind them that SS is what's most important here... sorry went off on a bit of a tangent there.