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Am I over thinking this whole thing?

counseling.advocate's picture

Hey all, I'll try to give the short version. I have a history of over thinking and over complicating things and this situation is starting to freak me out because of it to the point where I'm becoming unhappy being in the dark about things. Please let me know if I'm out of line and should be more patient or my feelings are valid here.

My mil passed away suddenly on feb 1. I offered us all to move in with him shortly after because we are there with him every single night with fil so he isn't lonely. Me, DH, 2sds, and DS will have upstairs and we will build a room onto the office downstairs so he can have his own space.

Our plan was to buy the house from him so that we feel like it's ours and not moving home, and so the inheritance can be split fairly. All he would do is pay rent to us.
FIL said there's only 5 years left on the loan (130,000), and we could just pay the rest and assuming you take care of me then the house is yours. Now, the build is going to cost 46,000 and he might use her life insurance for it. It's like geez what will we pay for??? I feel like money = power in this situation and it won't feel like our home unless we are paying our fair share.
Our plans were to buy a house of our own, do with it as we please and if we don't pay much then how can we feel comfortable to move all our crap in to the living area and take his decor down to put some of our things up?

I'm freaked out because we don't talk about any of it really. What kind of ownership we will have in the house... I know now he wants to avoid refinancing at all costs... So he'd better agree to put both of our names on the deed. This should avoid complications with his brothers after he dies but also just because we want to freaking own a home. I want to know how all of this is going to go down, establish clear guidelines, rules for the home,etc. I'm very detailed. My Dh and his dad are the same person!!! Now I'm realizing im going to live with two of my DH and it's making me nervous as fuck.
I'm freaking out that he's telling everyone, when I don't even know what I'm getting into in regard to ownership. What if I dont agree with the terms? What if I want to back out because of it and own my own home?
Would that make me a bad person. He's 69, still moving, not sick, he could live a long time. Technically two cancers that have never been active but this depression could make him sick which is why I offered.
I didn't offer just so I could have no say in anything.
DH isnt doing anything. He argues with me when I talk about this as if I don't know what I'm talking about or over thinking the situation and the answers will come but fil is telling everyone and talking to contractors so I think now is the time to figure it out, don't u think??

counseling.advocate's picture

Cat I really appreciate all of your persistence on this haha I really do!! Smile
And I do think about the fact, what if he decides to get back out there? Well in that case, he'd move out with the chick and we'd buy him out assuming things go the way I want with the loan. I want to buy it from him.
It's too much house for him and a future wife. He can't take care of it by himself anymore. He and mil were even thinking about selling before she passed away, so I don't think he would have a problem leaving or even leaving if he decided to be alone one day.

I'm more concerned with not being involved in the decision making because I'm involved too, being shut down by DH, and living with another one of DH. Lol. I just want to talk about things and have some security and ownership in the home and want to know if it's too much to ask even though he's POSSIBLY gifting all that he's already paid on the loan up to this point, simply because we're taking care of him the remainder of his life.

As for waiting a year, he's waiting for life insurance supposedly, again calling the shots, and that's further pushing out the building of the room so it gives him more time to think about all this. Who knows.

counseling.advocate's picture

LOL. Yeah. Not that I hope he will die or anything. He's pretty healthy, unless he grieves himself to death

counseling.advocate's picture

Thank you for your advice. I was hoping that DH and I could get on the same page so that he could back me up and support my ideas to fil. Do u think that I should try to get DH on the same page first?

counseling.advocate's picture

Well, his brothers seem to think it's a great idea, it keeps them from having to come up and be with him.
My MIL apparently always said to him "if I die first you'd ask them all to move in, i just know it!"
We don't want a handout -- My dh has said he doesn't want it to go like that and we seem to want to both own it but when i tell him to tell fil it needs to go our way he doesn't want to talk further or confront him on it. just goes with the flow

I know. mistake.

Disneyfan's picture

OP, it sounds like you are taking advantage of your FIL. I looks like you're trying to get a cheap house as fast as you can. When his other kids hear about this plan, they are going come after you.

Why can't you and your husband just wait until you can buy a hone of your own?

counseling.advocate's picture

DisneyFan, the only reason I offered is because we are there with him every night because hes not capable of being alone. I dont have my things to make me comfortable, I don't study enough, i have a house to take care of too and it's not so good for the kids to go home at 7:30 every night because papa needs company.

we care about him is all, theres no agenda, u probably shouldnt assume that when we asked him in the beginning if we can buy the house from him.

Disneyfan's picture

But you asked while he's grieving. :?

You said before that there isn't anything medically wrong with him, he's just lonely.

Once he moves pass this stage, he's not going to want kids running around his house 24/7. The thought of getting dumped in the basement of your home whIle your son's family lives in the main
part of the house won't be so appealing.

Once he meets a new "chick" and she learns that you orchestrated all of this while he was grieving, she will have it put for you.

It really looks like you're offering this man a shit pie.

ctnmom's picture

A grief counselor (my grandmother was a "grief facilitator" as a volunteer) would tell your FIL to wait one year before making any life changing decisions. At 69, he has a lot of good years left . The grandmother I just mentioned was 100 when she died; my dad's mom is still going strong at 94.

counseling.advocate's picture

Sounds like a good idea. There isn't a rush on our part because we are comfortable where we are, he will just need to learn to be alone a little bit because I can't keep spending all night after work there until bed time. Even on weekends I'm nervous leaving him alone, he's never been alone a day in his life but he also doesn't have local friends either.

For anyone who thinks we are taking advantage of him I think you are misreading everything. There's no basement LOL. We'd have the upstairs, he'd have downstairs the whole full bath, with the office and a brand new master bedroom. Family room, dining, kitchen would be shared. He loves his grandkids more than anything and keeps them all the time now. He's a true family man. Maybe some grandparents are quick to get rid of them but not this one.

counseling.advocate's picture

My original question was am I overreacting here. Because I want to establish the terms financially and how this will all play out. Not "am I taking advantage of my father in law." However we do it, pay full price, pay full price minus his share of the inheritance of the home, or whatever we agree, it's not important. We need to agree and be happy with how it all goes down and on the same page. I was asking if I'm overreacting or if I should be waiting more patiently for the details to come together.

Jsmom's picture

He is a new widow and not grieving fully, if you are there every night. You all need to stop, take a breath and wait at least a year before doing anything and even then, I think this is a bad idea. Financial and family ruin at best.

Rags's picture

This is far from passing the smell test on oh so many levels. This is FIL's home. Period. Until you and DH buy it. DH's sibs have as much claim to the home as you an DH have unless you buy it. I the intent is for FIL to stay in his home for the remainder of his life and to have authority over his assets and his own care then why would he sell it and get shoved into a room in your home?

Better for you and DH to move in to care for FIL, buy a property of your own and rent it out. When FIL passes then his assets will split between his heirs, your propery will not be involved, and family relationships will be better preserved.

In this case the smell test tells me that FIL would be the one getting screwed.

counseling.advocate's picture

I'm not comfortable doing it unless all of our ducks are in a row.... I'm a planner and sick of all the shit. I want to make sure he has a living trust, and all paperwork checks out so this doesn't backfire. However I'm turning away from the idea... I'm getting cold feet...

sunny_skies's picture

I'm not sure what you should do for the best. I only want to tell you that this made me remember what happened with our neighbour before we moved house. It was pretty much the exact situation!!! I don't know if it'll help but here's the story..

He was an amazing man, served in the war.. and his wife was just lovely too. An elderly couple who were so full of life and love for everyone else in our neighbourhood (Mostly elderly people who had been in those same homes for years and years).

I'll call them N (neighbour) and NW (neighbours wife) 

N drove all the other elderly neighbours to their doctors and hospital appointments, NW cooked meals for them all, and you would most often see her walking along the street with a tray of food to take to whoever it was that was too unwell to cook for themselves.

They were just lovely. When NW passed, N continued his "taxi service" for everyone, and I thought life would continue as normal, (as normal as it could be after lovely NW passed) until N told me that his son and his family (his son, his wife and their two little boys) would be moving into the house. (this was VERY soon after NW passed)

The sparkle seemed to go from N's eyes, it was so weird. When his son and family moved in, everyone in the neighbourhood was disturbed by the two boys loudly playing outside, it was so quiet before they came. 

I know what other people think is not important. But really, everyone in the neighbourhood had the opinion that N's son and family has taken over N's house, and were just waiting for him to die.

Shortly after they moved in, N quite simply disappeared. He stayed inside a lot. Stopped his "taxi service" and just.. disappeared.

I don't know what happened, but it was like all the life had been sucked out of N. The sparkle in his eyes, the willingness to help our other neighbours,  his purpose in life to be awesome, just.. left. It wasn't there anymore.

It was so sad to watch. I moved house and said my goodbyes to N, and I felt so sad for him. This was many years ago so he will have passed by now. Such a sad end to an amazing and independent life.

Ok after writing that out and reliving my memory of poor N, my advice would be to leave FIL to himself in his own house, continue visiting him but leaving him to his own independence. 

If FIL likes company, you don't have to stay too late that the kids are tired for their bed. If FIL would like company for a big longer, perhaps you could leave with the kids to put them to bed while DH stays with FIL for a while? 

If FIL is not struggling with living by himself, (dressing himself/ walking etc) then I feel he should be *visited* at his home, and left alone.

I hope everything works out for you x

counseling.advocate's picture

Wow.. That is so sad.. He sounds like he really was a lovely man!! I really hope they weren't waiting for him to die, it's sad it didn't work out.
That's why i came here, to see if I could get stories like this, some insight.
Thank you for taking time to share that with me, poor guy.