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Adult SD issues

invisiblesm's picture

I have a 35 year old step daughter, have been married to her dad for 3 years, he was divorced 3 years prior to our marriage. Despite including her in the wedding and inviting her to our home,etc. she has continued to ignore the fact that I exist by sending holiday cards etc. to her father only or to "(last name) residence" on the envelope. I have never been spoken to on the phone or inquired about during a conversion with her dad. In person when we have visited in her town or been at a family event, she says hello and may hug at which time she pushes me away once her dad is no longer looking. He says "that's how she is" children speak to my husband routinely, ask about him if he is not available to talk, send cards for birthdays, etc. I feel like I have made many attempts to include her all of which are ignored. She does not acknowledge any gifts etc. I have decided to let him correspond with her and I will no longer make any attempts for interaction between us. He thinks I am wrong not to continue "attempting to get to know her"...your thoughts?


momof5_1969's picture

I would be done. I wouldn't try anymore because it will just continue to be a heartache for you. Foxie is right -- she won't ever change. And I wouldn't send anymore cards to her, money, presents, etc. She doesn't appreciate them. If she leans in to hug you at functions, fine, if she doesn't, fine. Act like she is a stranger -- sounds like essentially she has made herself just that. Too bad she won't just grow up and act like a young woman. She is the one missing out.

doll faced sm's picture

You are right to let it go, but I would leave off telling your husband what you're doing. Seems she's not a huge part of his life, so if you don't call on a weekly basis, I'm gonna say it's not too much of a stretch to assume she's not going to gripe to her father about it and he'll likely never know. When he wants to talk about her, just smile and nod and be thankful that, though not really respecting you, she's not trying to win back her daddy or sabotage your marriage.

Sweetnothings's picture

I spent years doing the get to know them, help raise them, provide for them, treat them with love and respect as you would your own child.....and it really wasn't worth it with Sd21...... So I have disengaged, no longer will I give her any means to try and come between her Dad and I, or let her bleet... sweetnothings doesn't really like meeeeee, I don't want her involved with meeeeee, she hates meeeee, blah, blah.....

My life with be just as fabulous and wonderful and loving with DH whether she is the centre of attention or NOT !!! ( with me.... DH is still in denial big time...on occasions )

Shannon61's picture

I agree with everyone else above. It's time to pull back and disengage. Why continue to torture yourself? She's not going to change. And even if she does, by then you likely no longer care.

oneoffour's picture

I would continue to communicate with her on 2 ocaisions during the year. Her birthday and Christmas. A card for each time. Of course her Christmas card is from both you and your husband and addressed to The 'her last name' Family. This will cost you about $4 per annum.

Even if she does not return the favour you did your duty and your husband can never say you haven't tried. In fact, buy the cards at the beginning of the year and send them out at the beginning of month to be commemorated.


No more phone calls but of course you are civil and polite when you meet. No more gifts because she HAS a mother and father to provide the correct gifts. You are her father's wife, nothing more or less. And the sooner her father sees the relationship as it is the better things will be. She does not feel the need to HAVE a stepmother as her own mother is well established and she is not going to grow up with you in her life. It will hurt and smart for a while. But things will settle down and you will lead a good life.

invisiblesm's picture

Thanks everyone for the input... I was a stepchild growing up and could never have treated my stepparents with such disrespect. I agree she is not a child though she disiplays behaviors of one at times. I definitely don't want this to come between my husband and me, although I think that may be part of her will not give her that satisfaction by creating a "choose one of us" situation. Will continue to be civil but will use my energy for more positive interactions.