JMTB, you're always the level headed one and never keen on rocking the boat. You kept your mouth shut when the accident happened. You stayed civil during the idiotic time when they almost brainwashed DD to move away so your ex could play stay at home dad and reduce child support payments. Maybe it's time to stop cushioning your ex from reality. What issues do you think your ex would have if the phone was cut off? The issue is his daugher is slipping. And he has had a direct hand in that. An untrained 14yo had no business zooming around on that atv and it was his lack of care that contributed to the circumstances of that accident. It happened under his lack of watch. DD will bear those scars for the rest of her life. The physical and the mental scars. If her SM is going to be more of a hindrance than a help, make things difficult for DD, I'd make things difficult for the ex so he pulls his wife back. Find a way to get your ex to back you up while you figure out a plan for DD. Guilt him into it if you have to. He's useless at actually doing anything directly helpful, the least he could do is pipe down and keep his crazy wife out of the way while you do your best to get DD the help she needs. 

I think at this point, you have no choice but to get her dad involved. 

I'd take the phone. If you have a house phone,  she can talk to her dad on that. Or give her her phone for calls to dad and retake it after the call is done.

While DD is physically healed, emotionally is most likely different. She has life long injuries that can be hard to come to terms with. Plus she's at the age where body image is extremely important. If she isn't in counseling now to deal with the emotional fallout of her injuries, now would be a good time to start.

She took a sip. That is evidence. She admitted it. That she CLAIMS she did not know... is irrelevent.

Back in the day if the phone rang with a call from the school, we had to hope beyond hope that it was a praise call or it was game on once the phone was put back on the hook.

This 'no proof' crap is a pathetic parental failure. 

She was in a stall 'eating chips' with another student in blatant violation of the rules. They both knew they were violating the rules. The next day, she made an equally stupid choice to violate the rules.   Both were her direct willful choices and there were basically no effective consequence applied.  

In fact, she was rewarded for her shit decisions with a sleep over.

Really?

Then she and her idiot friends got drunk.  As for consquences. Grounded?  Really?  If I had done that it would have been a month or three of living hell.

And... 'she agreed to go to counseling'.  Agreed?  Really?  As if she earned the right to have that choice be her own.  

Considering telling her dad?  He should have been in the loop from the get go.  

Not only have you drank this kid's Kool-Aid, you have guzzled it in gallons while she was feeding you lines of shit that it is Dom Perignon.  Rather than Catholic school, send her ass to Miliatary School where these choices will return such a state of abject misery that she will call every night in tears begging to come home.  

And.. .where she will likely excel rather than continuing to cirle the drain.

The path to life failure is lined with the carcases of smart people with tons of potential who are tolerated to continue making idiot decisions.  

I was your DD. I was teetering on the edge of implosion.  I spent my second Sophomore year of HS, my Jr year, and my Sr year in Military Boarding school.  It was a huge benefit for me and put me on a path where I could perform to my potential.

Good luck with this one.  

I suggest an escalating state of abject misery that is eleminated only by ZERO deviation from very strict and firm standards of behavior and performance.   No phone... no friends, no nothing of even a tiny bit of pleasantness in her life.

It worked for me. It worked for my dad, it worked for my brother and it worked for my SS. 

MILITARY SCHOOL!!!!!!

There are very reasonably priced options available.

Good luck.

You need to tell her father, how often on here as SM’s do we see our DH’s left in the dark because BM wants to be the one controlling everything, don’t be that BM.    As for the SM it’s really not her call it’s up to you AND your ex to decide the best course of action for your daughter.  SM can be snippy, pissy all she wants because SD doesn’t have a phone, but really why would that bother her?  When Spawn would get grounded with us DH would make sure to check her phone daily to see if Meth Mouth had contacted her, he would then allow her to talk to Meth Mouth or text her, but would then take the phone back.  Your BD is grieving and is acting out because she doesn’t have the capability to process what all happened to her.  Imagine if at 14 you almost died and then ended with permanent disfigurement.  How do you think you would have coped?  She needs that counseling ASAP.

As a mental health professional, I think that DD is trying to fit in. She had an incredibly traumatic situation happen to her that permanently altered her body, leaving her mentally and physically scarred, and I'm sure she is experiencing some confidence issues related to that. Every teen girl wants friends and relationships. Every teen girl wants to have some level of popularity and to find their group. Freshman year is BRUTAL and it is when most teens start down a path of self destruction to fit in. To prevent herself from being viewed as different, she is seeking attention in other troublesome ways, like bragging about being drunk. It's "COOL." Negative attention is better than no attention. I think counseling is a good first step.

I personally don't believe in consequences unrelated to the crime. If she cannot be smart while hanging out with friends, then maybe she shouldn't have friends over or can't go hangout until she can prove that she can make good decisions. If she is going to be dumb and get sloshed, she shouldn't have access to drive (if she has her permit) since drunk driving could hurt or kill someone. If she wants to enlist in the military after HS, maybe get her in with Junior ROTC or a program that will teach her discipline or have her talk to a young veteran about their experience and what it took for them to get in. It will show her that this behavior will eliminate those goals as options for her. Taking phones, grounding them from social media, etc. rarely works. Teens get crafty and find ways around these punishments. Teaching them natural consequences that follow their actions is more of a wake-up call. 

I feel for you and your DD. What a hard time she must be having, processing all this. I know it must be hard dealing with all this also on your end. Parenting is hard enough without the trauma added in there.

Ill send some good juju vibes her way.

Especially in counseling. She's had some serious trauma in her life. And she NEEDS consquences, like the phone being taken and being grounded along with some intense monitoring once she's allowed back out. She can overcome this with the right help, discipline and direction.

I will strongly agree with the others...her dad NEEDED to be told. And everything. Regardless of what your daughter wants. As someone said, we SMs get to see the dads limited or completely shut out of their kids' lives when at BMs house. I don't know all your dynamics with the ex in saying this so I know it's a gamble, if he will be a negative or positive in this situation but he needs to be brought up to date on her behaviors.

Best to you...such a hard journey. Sending you a hug.

I don't have much to add other than try to find a therapist that is trauma informed. A lot of therapists tell you they are trauma informed but have no training in it. Also read up on trauma and post traumatic stress in children. You can't punish it out of them. 

CO? I know you try and keep it as civil as possible with your DD and her dad, but for example in ours, if BM provides SD a phone, we can take it away, but need to let BM know and give her an alternate way to communicate with SD on our time and if we provided SD a phone, the same thing. If there is not any language regarding her phone, I would take it away and either get her a flip phone that she can only contact her parents or anyone you approve, or just tell her dad that he can call your cell phone or house phone to communicate with DD right now until things improve with her behavior.

I agree on getting DD some therapy. When I was a sophmore in high school, I was pretty rebellious and didn't get caught doing most of the things I shouldn't of been doing, but on the things I did get caught on, I lost my cell phone for a couple of months, my mom sent me to counseling for "risky" behavior, and I could only go to school, work, soccer, and home. After a couple months on lock down, I turned things around because they weren't going to be fun until I did. At this age, it is hard to understand the life long consquences things can have, even when you are smart. I was in all honors classes and had things going for me, but still was doing dumb stuff because typically when you are a kid, you mess up and things end up okay. It is hard to understand that isn't really how life always works. 

My parents weren't super strict, but more strict than other parents and there were people I crossed paths with that their parents let them do whatever and they didn't care about anything. Stupidly, I thought this was "cool" at the time. Well, I turned my high school time around and got accepted to every university I applied for, went on to graduate school, etc. the other kids who's parents did not care, work minimum wage jobs and are stuck in our hometown. 

I know you don't want to be tough on your daughter and you also don't want to think she is doing these things, but there is a high probability she is doing all these things because she is a little lost right now and more worried about superficial things. I have no doubt she will turn things around because she has you in her corner. Your DD's dad gets mad about how you are handling it? Tough shit, you have the day to day decision making when she is at your house and you are just exercising that right. Him and SM can get mad and annoyed all they want, but it is in your daughter's best interest. Getting a break from her phone, social media, etc. probably will do a lot of good for her during this troubling time. 

Also agree in her dad needed to be told

It sounds like you need to keep her on a tighter leash. You can't control what she does at school but you can limit what she can get into at home and outside. If you don't want to take the phone I would stipulate that you will be checking in more and need timely responses.

On occasion we see a post from a step-parent complaining that their step child has no life and all they do is sit around at home. Well this is the flip side if a kid does have a life they are more likely to get into trouble like this.

While I think that Rags was a bit forcefull in his response.. I do think you are treading on some rose colored ice here.  

You are getting dangerously close to defending and making excuses for your daughter... perhaps trying to justify or explain things so that it isn't a poor reflection of you as her mother.. and being overprotective of her....especially after her accident last year.

1.  The principal does not likely have it out for her and that kind of mindset by parents.... leads to kids getting the feeling that they don't have to follow the rules.. and that principal is just being mean.. What's more likely is she has been skating around the edges of poor behavior even before this and has caught the administrator's eye.. perhaps friends of hers that she hangs with have had bad actions too.. which is also reflecting on her because she is part of that friend group.. but she IS participating in action at school that she is not supposed to do..... and at this point.. there is a target on her back and she doesn't have the luxury of them not paying attention.

2.  She probably did know that the drink was alcohol at school.. it sounds like her friends are getting into that partying.. and she may not have swigged it.. but she tasted it.. to avoid being seen as uncool... I think she knew.

3.  The sleepover.. yep.. the fact that the girls sought out a stash that they knew was easily accessible.. even more evidence that she has started to drink with her friends.. this is unlikely to have been just a crime of opportunity.. she knew the stuff was there.. probably had already pilfered a few other shots at other times... I doubt her friend was the one who decided to riffle through your house randomly.. 

4.  The "oohh I got caught messing up.. am grounded talk.. that is in a way.. humble bragging.. that she is doing this stuff.. she may regret it.. or may just put on the act because she thinks it gets your sympathy.. which it seems to have done... it's working... you are defending her.. making excuses.. and honestly.. she may be the ring leader.. or the follower.. or just be trying on the bad girl personna as a way of coping with the after effects of her accident. but this isn't evidence she is an innocent angel... who was led astray.

5.  You absolutely need to tell this kind of thing to the other parent... when you say it didn't go well.. what do you mean?  Did he blame YOU for her having access?  (perhaps the liquor should have been more out of reach).. Is he dissapointed in her actions.. and angry.. is he mad the same way you are mad that an accident happened on HIS watch?

6.  because... he may/may not have been as laser focused on oversight whenshe had her accident.. but things happen.. accidents happen and I'm not sure what you believe he could have done.. other than prevent her from riding on the 4 wheeler.. which PLENTY of kids, teens and adults do without coming to harm the way she did.. it was a horrible accident.. but just because it happened to happen at your Ex'es place.. just like this drinking is happening on your watch.. sometimes bad things happen.. kids do things.. parents can't be everywhere all the time.. so you and he don't need to be beat up about it.. but it DOES have to be handled.. and he needs to know so he can be more aware of where HIS liquor is.. and not allow her access.

7.  Drinking at her age is illegal.. if she is caught.. she can lose access to driving privileges.. not just your permission.. legally.  She could be injured or injure another if she drinks and drives.. or rides with a drunk friend.. She could get in more trouble at school.. and she needs to learn a lot about the consequences physically.. legally of drinking as a minor.  Counseling... yes.. and a much tighter leash.. in fact.. she wouldn't have a curfew.. it would be home all the time unless she has specific permission from you to be anywhere other than in school.. or at home.. and no friends over..and her electronic access would be down for a while too.  Perhaps it IS a friend group driving this new hobby.. if so... she will have to learn that continuing to be part of that will mean long term lockdown.

But.. kids do dumb crap.. they experiment with stuff they shouldn't.. a few instances of drinking don't make her an alcoholic.. but you also don't need to be defending her.. or deflecting blame onto people who are catching her(principal)

From my perspective, you are doing great. You told her dad. It didn't go as well as you would have hoped, but you did it. He knows. He's agreed with the punishment. Now you wait to see if he actually enforces it. But, you can't agonize over his actions. Wait and see what he does and then you can figure out what to do.

You got her a counselor. Next week is lightning speed at this time of year. If the teacher you spoke to is correct about DD's explanation, she sounds receptive to counseling. That's huge and a wonderful sign.

15 is a tough age. Add in DD's trauma and it's much harder. Acting out due to trauma is not rational to the observer, but to the traumatized person the actions seem perfectly reasonable at the time. A good counselor can help her work through the trauma. It may, will be, a rough few months ahead, but the road will eventually smooth out. You are a great mom, and I envision good things for DD.

You needed to tell her Dad, he is the other parent. And you needed to step up and do something before it's too late. She is sliding and needs help before her slide gets her into legal issues, health issues or worse. Never beat yourself up for parenting. You're doing good Mom. Keep up the good work, you're fighting for your child. 

You are doing good, you are addressing the issues. What you believe is yours to believe. BUT I would say err on the side of caution. Which you are.

I am not a bio mom. Although my twin had many issues, so did I, but she took  to self medicating. It startedas  drinking as a teen. The major difference was my folks did not care. You do, and her dad does so thats a plus. Plus from her accident your poor DD will be affected a lifetime from this. Thank gawd she survived, but her scars, inside and out, will always be there. Thats an extra layer added to natural  teen problems.

Back to my point, my twin was in a bad crowd. She started drinking which led to drugs. My twin passed away of an overdose. Now most dont end this tragic. Although Esmod made a good point, fentanyl. Keep your eye on, have her in therapy, and never be afraid to say no if your gut tells you her friends are not the best.

Blessings you are a good mom

It is showing up everywhere, even in OTC meds.

First of all, I really admire you as a parent. From everything you've ever posted, you seem to always think through things logically and make really intentional decisions about your kids. Definitely not a failure.

I would wager that this acting out is related to her accident. That is a massive trauma for a young lady to experience and it would cause just about anyone to be off kilter for a while. I also think that it was the right call to tell her dad. If for no other reason than he needs to have all the information so that he can properly supervise her when she visits. The last thing anyone would want would be for her to escalate to a full blown drinking problem right under her dad's nose if he didn't know that he needed to be watching for it. Counseling is the right place to start. Maybe even an intensive outpatient program of some kind if she doesn't make progress with a therapist. An IOP saved my OSD's life last year; she was on a much more destructive path than your DD is, but it was life changing. Hang in there!

And for your poor daughter.  She really needs the therapy.  The horrors of being 15 are bad enough.  At that age you want to fit in with your peers and be accepted.  Her scars from the accident hit at her body in a way that must be incredably tough.  Women in middle and later life who have mastectomies have trouble accepting their loss so I can imagine it would be 1000% worse as a young person.  In addtion to therapy, it might be worth doing a search to see if there any support groups for people who are experiencing something similar who are fairly close in age with your DD.

I don't think geting blitzed at her age is the end of the world.  I did worse at her age and was fine.  But in her case, it might be more of a worry as she might end up using substances as a way to self medicate for the other hurt in her life at the moment.

You'll both be in my thoughts.