DH will never learn
So DH has two evil spawn who threw him away when he decided to stop being their wallet. He was doing really well for so long - months. THEN, he decides to reach out and try to mend fences with his pothead, entitled son. (SS17) Our therapist told him to give him the ultimatum of get clean or DH is outta there. SS17 laighed and walked away. DH was not supposed to beg for a relationship - but the poor bastard can't help himself.
His son gave him the SAME line of shit that he always does...I'm not interested in a relationship with you. I don't have to follow rules, widow doesn't treat me like her own kids blah blah blah.
SO DH, goes into a tailspin AGAIN and is mopey and forlorn and, quite honestly, nauseating. I told him to "stop allowing these kids of yours (SD22 treats DH exactly the same way) to abuse you. They are acting like assholes and you are opening the door to invite them in to act like assholes. Stop contacting them and hoping that "today will be the day" that they treat you right. It won't happen. I lived in an abusive marriage for YEARS and I spent a good part of my day explaining away the abuse and hoping tomorrow would be different. Tomorrow is never different. It never is OK to be abused and it will continue for as long as you allow it. STOP ALLOWING IT! STOP POKING THE HORNETS NEST."
Well, that went over like a fart in church.
Now he's asking about the holidays. What are "we" going to do? Well, I have NO FRIGGIN intention of having MY holidays with people who love me ruined by those snots. They are not welcome in my home especially now that we've learned that my mom has cancer and is scheduled for major surgery the day after Thanksgiving. She has an 8 week recovery from that surgery so Christmas will be a little bit of a challenge as well. There is no way on God's green Earth that I will allow any more drama in my life.
What do you all do about the holidays with the "grown up" skids? I say my hubby can meet them somewhere, have a great time being asked for money and get nothing in return and then come home to people who love and appreciate him. I want NO part of it.
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Comments
Sorry that your husband
Sorry that your husband doesnt have kids that appreciate who he is and not what he has. They have their own mother and you have no responsibility to them except for being cordial and as any guest in your residence, ensuring they are safe within the confines of your home.
Sounds like your skids have been alienated against their father.
There is nothing wrong with you avoiding them until they are ready...unfortunately most non custodial parents do see how their kids are; however they dont want to admit it out loud- you may be suprised one day when your husband sees them for what they really are...without your input.
best of luck!
SS sounds like OSS. Chef got
SS sounds like OSS. Chef got angry at me because my bioson graduated from the Air Force Reserves and has always been independent (job, college, etc) whereas his kids are slobs, make terrible grades because mommykins doesn't have standards for them.
So because he wanted my bioson to fail (secretly) he got angry and said:
"I'm gonna reunite with my kids and they are going to come over and do as they please. YOU won't be making any rules for them and YOU won't be walking in on them like you did to YSS when he was 7"
To which I responded:
"No, I won't make rules for them; that's YOUR job"
To which he replied:
"I won't be making any rules for them EITHER!"
So basically back to the day when I was a SM doormat and he was guilty daddy; only this time with kids who were much older and who had been PASED out for well over three years at the time.
NO WAY!!
Anyway he decided to rekindle the romance and they stood him up like he was yesterday's trash! These are the standard skids who have beer bonged the PAS-aid and viewed Chef (read: ME) as a walking ATM.
SD stood him up THREE TIMES, telling the counselor that she felt "uncomfortable" around Chef (because Chef intended to talk about her horrendous grades)
YSS didn't even show up.
OSS did see Chef but used the occasion to vent about bullying at school (yeah if you dress like BOZO the CLOWN, weigh about 300 lbs as a sophomore and are 6' tall, yep)
He took Chef's number and never contacted him again.
Yep, Chef, your offspring REALLY respect and LOVE you after you tried to BUY their love with MY MONEY!!
^^^parental alienation
^^^parental alienation syndrome (PAS) i.e. where a parent (most commonly female as they tend to have custody) uses various tactics to alienate a child from their other parent, stepparent and often the extended family of alienated parent. E.g. of tactics include -controlling and preventing access, acting as the gatekeeper to the child and demanding the other parent meet their demands which are usually unreasonable, they encourage disrespectful behaviour from the child towards the alienated parent and badmouth the parent to the child, they effectively emotionally abuse the child often making the child choose between them and expecting unnecessary and unhealthy loyalty over the other parent.
Are these men just daft? DO
Are these men just daft? DO they really NOT see what's so blatantly obvious or is it that they don't WANT to see it? I think it's the latter. It must be VERY difficult to realize that your kid is an asshole, doesn't love or respect you and only uses you for money and gifts.
It's no coincidence that the skids ct all nicey nice around Christmas and birthdays (theirs) and are all pissy the rest of the year. The DHs HAVE to see this, right? There has to be a way we can clue them in to save themselves from this torture.
How do we do that?
My SO is exactly like this.
My SO is exactly like this. Got into a massive fight with me because he wanted to make "amends" with his mini-wife daughter and give her $150 for her birthday. All this after she refuses to have anything to do with him for over a year.
I got so damned angry, I told him if he walked out the door with the money for her, it would be a one-way street and he'd return to find his shit on the front yard. I felt so betrayed that he would do this - crawl up her ass even knowing she was behaving like an entitled spoilt bitch (exactly like her Mom!).
I also told him in the most scornful tone I could muster, that him behaving in such a pathetic, wimpy manner only succeeded in me being repulsed by him. That my respect for him was hitting ground zero and I wouldn't be able to stand being touched by him. And that that would be the deal breaker for me. This would mean that we would be going through this every single year until she turns 18? Oh hells no! That ain't the future I want, thankuverymuch!!!
I will walk out on SO in a micro-second if I got so much as a hint that he would be crawling up her ass - hell, i'd wrap him up and express post him straight to her and BM.. if they want a weak-ass, spineless jellyfish of a wanker then they were welcome to him.
Needless to say, she ended up getting a card (with a long soppy, vomit-inducing love letter to her). Took about a month before I'd let him near me after THAT. Damn moron is lucky I love having sex with him ..otherwise he'd probably be making bestest buddies with his right hand.
This is exactly how I used to
This is exactly how I used to react. I would be so personally wounded when DH would do this with his kids. The I disengaged a lot and now I'm completely and, seemingly, forever disengaged.
I realized that getting that upset over them was killing me...I had HUGE physical manifestations of stress and it wasn't worth it. More importantly, it was totally in my control. The answer is not caring anymore.
My best friend has children who walk all over her. They are awful. I love my friend like my sister. I don't get pissed off at her when her kids are rotten. Her kids - her issue. I adopted the same attitude with the skids and life is good.
I don't get angry with DH, I really pity him. It's so sad. I hate his children for treating him like a bank account, and I feel sorry for him because that's all he has. Feeling sorry for him has helped my disgust for him as well. I put myself in his shoes and try to imagine my kids treating me like that (would never happen, but...)and it just makes my heart ache. I wish there was something I could do to make him "see". In time...