Hello all. It's been a year since I last posted. At that time I was leaving him and did so. Filed for disolution and it was granted. Finalized the end of March 2020. Freedom??? Yes in many ways. Lots of personal work??? Absolutely. Recovering??? Yes, trying to. 

I married a man who was emotionally unavailable, manipulative, difficult, tryng, and exhausting. I was the suzy homemaker codependent he saw coming from a mile away.  We each had 2 children from previous marriages. Mine nearly grown when we met. Neither bio kid perfect but I was the parent, they were the kids. His 2 were of age but riddled with drug and alcohol issues AND the mess that comes from living that life. Legal issues, can't hold down jobs, don't raise their children (my exSD's have 7 children total, neither have custody of any of their kids).

I struggled. I tried so hard. I was broken down and put back together the way he wanted...which was a total mess. I was manipulated to the point that I didn't know which end was up. 

Love bombing and gaslighting entail varying levels of manipulation. They are methods used to change you, alter who you are. You wake up one day and believe you are crazy or just mean or something along those lines. Or you suddenly realize the person you once were; likely a good hearted, loving person; is just a distant memory. You find that you can no longer make decisions for yourself, all decisions are based upon what you think this other person in your life wants. Unfortunately though, all your 'good intentions' are now bad, wrong, even evil. Nothing feels right, everything is 100% wrong down to your core. But you hang on hoping this other person will somehow give you their approval and be happy with you...just you, as you are. Alas, it never happens. Day in, day out; week after week, month after month, year after year. You have been torn apart and put back together like a tragic 6th grade school science project. 

I came to realize my problem was not so much being a step mom or having a blended family. It was his manipulation and my codependency. Reading the forums and blogs here, I realized I was not alone. Many on here seem to be encountering exactly what I have and I guess why I felt compelled to come back and post this.

There came a point when we got custody of his 2 youngest grandkids. I really felt trapped after that. They are the innocent ones in all this. They deserve none of whats happened to them. But when all was said and done I still ended up having to leave him. I was physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually a walking dead person. While we still have joint custody of the little ones; I AM NO LONGER A NANNY, MAID, OR WIFE APPLIANCE.

So for the past 13 months I've been on a very bumpy, rocky road to regaining myself. I felt hopeless and helpless for a long time before leaving him and have had many days this last year where I just wasn't sure how to make it through even one more day. 

My kids and parents have been supportive through it all. My sister tried to be, but my craziness with ExH drove a wedge between us that I dont know can be repaired.  I left a marriage broke, unemployed, and with little more than my clothes and few personal belongings. Today I have a full time job, apartment of my own, shared custody of the 2 little ones, and a day by day life.

My point to all this is just to say that no matter your situation, if you need to go, if you need to get out to save your sanity and your soul then do so. If you can get counseling or find a support group then do that. Emotional abuse takes it toll.

It is possible to start over even if you feel tasked in this life with the impossible.