Probably an unpopular opinion…and an even more unpopular declaration.
This is most likely not going to be a popular post…
And many will probably disagree…
But that is why I said it is an “opinion”.
After reading, and even posting some, on this board for a while…
I was wondering why it is that everyone seems so very overly concerned for the mental, emotional, financial, physical and finally…spiritual well-being of each individual child…than we do of the adults around them???
Basically I guess what I mean is this…
Why is any one human beings life more important than another’s?
Why do we fall all over ourselves to ensure we deliver politeness, civility and in our better moments, a sense of togetherness…for children who have none of those same expectations placed upon them by their biological parents?
Random example:
There have been posts regarding the various activities of SK’s and our role/participation or lack thereof in them. These posts have contained self-recrimination on the part of the posters who feel “selfish” for even having needs/wants/desires for their own free time!
Why is what a kid, any kid, wants to do with his/her time so much more important that what we want to do with ours?!?!?
This isn’t a matter of maturity or even immaturity.
Technically, they have their whole lives ahead of them to do what they want to… but as adults, we are on a constant game show called “beat the clock”!
Seen in this way OUR time is MORE precious and MORE important due to the assumption that we simply have less time left.
Why do they get first, last and middle consideration?
When did we vote on this?
And more importantly…Where was I?
Well…No More.
I pick me first.
TODAY I DECLARE:
My life is just as important.
My pursuits are just as important.
My hopes, dreams, desires…just as important.
I deserve just as much consideration.
I deserve just as much respect.
I deserve a say in what goes on in my life.
I will take back my self-respect.
I will take back my self-esteem.
I will take back my voice.
I will take back control of my life.
From this day forward I will become a force in my own life to be reckoned with.
…And my all the powers-that-be protect those who would oppose me.
- lostandalone's blog
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Comments
I think it's great.
Good for you. I commend you on your declaration.
I take a different stance only because of me. I travel a different path and will learn a different balance. The chips are stacked against my little ones and I can't help but shelve some of my own needs/wants/desires with a hope that my cup will runneth over by the time I'm done.
I want to teach them human compassion and understanding when it comes to the people in their life...and not the selfishness that resonates around their Borderline/Bipolar mom. They get a heavy dose of a reality that one can only understand when in my kind of situation.
So I think it's wonderful that you stand up for yourself... but I will do it differently and in my own way. I am the silent warrior that will lead by example of what it's like to sacrifice sometimes for the greater good. Maybe they'll get it one day...maybe not. Either way, I will feel like I did right by them. They are but children who do deserve to take top priority in my life most of the time.
Much love,
Colorado Girl
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Not unpopular but...
not very realistic either. Because there is a factor called DH/DW or FW/FH...
With that factor thrown in the situation, priorities get upside down...
You married a person with a child... and that person will probably put the child's needs and time before him/herself...
That person also expects you to walk beside him/her...
ALSO, I think because of the "need" of trying to be involved in the child's life, and be accepted as "responsible" and "Caring" i guess...
But hey, good for you to put YOU first...
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
I hear you and understand where you're coming from...
But that being said, yours is the exact sort of opinion I am talking about here.
Yes, you are correct...I married a person with a young child.
But I am correct in saying that HE married ME...a person without one.
Yes, he probably will put the child's needs before his own.
And if he has that option, shouldn't I...as the non-parent have the right not to?
Yes, my husband probably expects me to "walk" beside him.
But shouldn't I expect the same commitment from him?
People say, "love is a two way street".
...and it is.
Unless there are children involved...then the only way is THEIR WAY.
This seems shockingly excessive to me.
I am willing to be civil...unless those I am dealing with are uncivilized.
I am willing to be polite...unless they are impolite.
And I am willing to show caring...unless they are incapable of receiving it.
How many times do you hit your head on the brick wall that is your SK's...to realize that it hurts you and not the brick wall???
~Some days it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps!
To be honest...
it is hard for me to fully understand, as I have SD5 and I have a one year old son that is NOT DH's bio son. Therefore, is like an "exchange", I do things and make sacrifices for your daughter, you do things and sacrifices for my son, type of thing...
So there is a balance. Although my son's bio dad is not in the picture, and DH considers him is own son. Because of this DH does admit that our situations are different, he understands that I am NOT SD's mother, but he IS BS's only father figure. He doesn't have to deal with my son's bio father either.
ALSO, since I already have a son, is not like by not having SD5 I can be "peaceful" or anything, because I still have BS. But DH puts my needs first, for the most part.
You did say something very interesting... and I have never thought of it like that... "he married YOU, a woman without children" thanks for providing that perspective, it is so true too...
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
Its actually pretty simple...
Children are not responsible for thier own safety or well-being, their parents are. They have no independence, no voice, they are defenseless and dependent upon their parents. When someone has a child, it becomes their 1st priority to take care of, provide for and protect them. Your statement was very broad and general, and I think it really depends on what you are referring to in regards to wants and needs. But one thing you said did strike me as odd...
"I am willing to be civil...unless those I am dealing with are uncivilized.
I am willing to be polite...unless they are impolite.
And I am willing to show caring...unless they are incapable of receiving it."
It doesn't seem to be a popular opinion much these days, but the way you behave towards others really should have no dependence on how THEY treat YOU. Most people do not follow this line of thinking...they have more of an "eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth" type mentality. I sometimes struggle with this too, but my DH helps set me straight when I have a hard time with it. You should try to treat people the way you would want to be treated, regardless of how they treat you. You can be the better person, a good person, and be true to your own morals REGARDLESS of other people's actions. Other people cannot control you. You control you. It is easy to love those who love you back, anyone can do that. What sets people apart are the ones that can love those that do not love them back. This is the situation that is probably most common for stepparents!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
I see nothing wrong with
I see nothing wrong with speaking up, letting your feelings be known, or any of that. I agree. You stood up for yourself & expressed your distaste for his actions. People must stand up for themselves, but its always possible to do in a tactful, effective way. I don't think being everyone's doormat all the time is advisable. For example, if someone is being mean and nasty and screaming at you, do you have to sink to their level? Or can you simply refuse to engage them and walk away until they can speak calmly? If someone has done something horrible to you, do you have to be spiteful & seek revenge? No. You don't have to sacrafice your own morals based on other people's actions. Thats all I mean. Her statement struck me as "I will only treat you the way you treat me" and in my opinion, that is basing your own morals on other people's behavior, just "following" their lead. People should have their own moral guidelines to follow, not simply follow the example of the people they encounter. Make sense?
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
lol...its definitely harder
lol...its definitely harder to hold yourself to high standards when someone is really testing you. Thats why a lot of people lash out...its easier and feels better! But it doesn't make it right and doesn't make you a better person
I've wanted to get out a frying pan quite a few times since BM came into my life! I have chosen to use ST instead LOL
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
I to have my moments where I decide enough
is enough and SMJ will be first right that moment. That's when I grab a beer and go hop in my jacuzzi tub! Sometimes I have enough with dinner, DH, the kids, the dog, work, house cleaning, and I just throw my hands up and go hop in that tub!
Sometimes YOU do have to come first. And sometimes you do deserve a moment of peace and of your own sanity coming first.
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
Setting an example...
By showing everyone that you LOVE YOURSELF enough to value your own mental and physical health is the best example you can set for anyone...
Being a 24/7 martyr is not healthy for anyone involved. Again, you are not advocating neglect or abuse; you are advocating taking care of YOU so that you can make wise decisions in helping and being there for others.
Kudos. You have my support!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Love this one
I am just loving this one...cuz I do believe after many years of bio & sk's that if you dont care care of yourself & enjoy your life you are worthless to those you love, work with & have relationships.
Pleasantly surprised!
Was more than a little amazed to receive any votes of support!
Was fully prepared to be shot down...and then shot again just to make sure I didn't think about getting back up!
...and just when I didn't think I could be astonished by anything on this topic any longer!
Just goes to show you never know.
Great.
Now I’m rhyming.
That can’t be a good sign…right?!?! Lol
~Some days it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps!
im going to..
print out this declaration and keep it!
thank you!
.
.
It's all about balance
I personally think, having raised two kids myself, that a lot of the problems stem from over-parenting by the DHs/BMS. Their world revolves around junior to the point where it is not healthy. I'm not talking about providing food, shelter, guidance, medical care, access to healthy and fun experiences. No, I'm talking about obsession to the point where the parents don't have a life outside the kids. Parents who ask their kids permission to go somewhere (I've seen this). Parents who worship their children and spoil them rotten. My niece told her divorced mom not to get remarried until she is out of the house, because it is "her" house. My sister actually listened to her.
From what I've read on here, guilt parenting is an extreme example of this. These DHs put their kids above them and their wife. Not healthy. And it shows in the bratty behavior. Kids want boundaries, discipline and role models.
Kids need to be kids. Parents need to be adults, with friends, activities, a social life, and a love life. I can't imagine having my parents in my face 24/7. I left home as soon as I graduated from HS. I couldn't wait to have my own life and do what I wanted.
Just my thoughts...
yes figuringitout it does..
make sense and I agree..you were a single woman when you met DH so he has to adhere to that as much as you have to adhere to him having children..it IS a balance..You can't be at peace and happy with others if you aren't at peace and happy with yourself.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
BALANCE is key
I think you are correct in feeling this way but most relationships go the way of how WE allow them to go.
I mean relaly, I do put some things on hold, but I put myself and my relationship a priority too. I do the things that I want to do. I take college classes during the day (took the summer off) while the kids are in school and that way I am home at night with my family when everyone else is here. DH works nights, but our pivotal family time happens between the hours when the kids get in from school until when they get ready for bed. By the time dh leaves for work, the kids are asleep. BUT we have helped with HW, spent QT together and had a nice meal.
I guess for ME (notice it says ME) I have the voice, self respect, independence, self esteem and control over my life. I will admit that at times these things waiver. At times I have lost site of them. BUT I always find my way back to ME.
If DH were not willing or able to make me and our life and our family a priority...I would have been out of here long ago. When the kids get to feeling entitled and bitchy about what I DON'T do...I STOP doing period so they can REALLY see who is doing what around here. I TEACH those around here to appreciate me and what I do. Do I still have days that I feel that they don't? Yes. But those days are few in comparison.
I guess for me I feel that it is possible for ALL to be appreciated and have their needs met. That's how we approach it in our home. Good topic though. Makes you take a look at your own situation and reassess. But definitely BALANCE is the key.
Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P
This makes me want to cry
Cry out of sheer frustration....this makes complete and utter sense to me. I agree with you 150%! My FH decided to get into a relationship with someone who does NOT have kids and that should have equal weight in our relationship.
But it doesn't...and it WON'T. Thats why I want to cry over this: the fact that FH (as I'm sure many of your FH/DHs also) will never get his head out of his ass long enough to realize the truth in what you have written.
Because the sheer existence
Because the sheer existence of a child requires certain things that the non-existence of one does not. The 2 situations are complete opposites and the fact that a human being is on one side of the equation gives it more weight. These spouses cannot un-do having a child, and they are responsible for them. Thats why when someone withOUT a child marries someone WITH a child, its the child free spouse that has more adjusting to do. You just have to try to find a little balance and I'm sure these DHs often feel torn between their children and their spouse
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Yeah, I know what you mean on this.
I think a lot of bioparents who aren't steps would completely freak out in rage about this thread. But I know what you all mean.
It's not at all that I don't love my SDs, and it's not at all about not knowing that as kids, sometimes their needs have to come first. SOMETIMES. And that's NEEDS, not wants.
But the tendency when two people get together and one of them has kids, is that the side with kids gets 80% of the focus -- the needs of that side come first, the focus of the activities, free time, attention, etc. is on that side. When I started dating my DH, I noticed once I met his kids that this was the way things went - when the kids were around, everything was about them and that "family" and I was welcome to tag along. At first, I didn't really notice it, because I was working on getting to know them and wanting the kids to feel safe and comfortable around me.
But after a while, I really felt like I didn't exist during those weekends except as an added person who could completely "lift out" and not change a damn thing. And I realized that this was not good, because: 1) I felt totally unimportant and like I was just a substitute BM instead of ME; and 2) I felt kind of unable to assert MY agenda into the planning (for example, things I thought the kids would enjoy or that would stretch their horizons, that the BM and FH never did with them); 3) it was potentially not good for the kids, because they needed to see our home as uniquely ours -- again, not just a substitute version of the home they had before their parents divorced (minus the fighting, of course!
So. I sat FH down and said to him: "You and I are equal partners. I am 50% of this relationship, not 25%. Just because I don't have kids doesn't mean that the nucleus of this family is you and the kids. The nucleus of this family is you and me, and I'm half of that. We need to change this dynamic so that I matter when the kids are around as well as when they are not. My rules and my expectations need to matter in my house. I know the kids don't need to be tidy and pick up after themselves at BM's, and I know they didn't have to do that so much when you were newly single, but I have the expectation that children should be taught to respect people, and part of that is not leaving their crap around for other people to walk around." We talked about rules for TV watching, rules for picking up after oneself, and what to do about when I don't like something the kids do, even if it's not something that bothers him. And the whole time, I was very clear that I am 50% of the decision-making power in my own house.
I think the result is that the kids are happier, because they know that our house is definitively our house. Different rules, different routines, different dynamic. I actually think for them that it's BETTER than if we were all trying to make everything the exact same at both homes -- which, let's face it, never is really the case anyway.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I agree with you 100%...many
I agree with you 100%...many blended family situations have a "family vs. family" or "family vs. stepparent" mentality and it SHOULD be parents vs. kids...parents should be the united ones, not the bloodlines only united.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
I love it!
I love it!