Is this a form of neglect?
Hi all,
I stalk this site quite a bit, but have only posted a couple of times. I have real concerns about how BM is "raising" SS5. I think it's considered neglectful and my mother(who is the only person I've confided in over this) thinks I should call DCFS.
Ok on with it. So BM has a part-time 2nd shift job and part-time 3rd shift job. She likes to pretend like she works 7 days a week which is bullshit. We have her every weekend(and its a nightmare, she turns the house upside down)and during the week BM has to be at "work" by 4 pm and supposedly works until the morning. So during the week this kid is in school, gets taken to either grandparent's house or a babysitter's house(BM's good friend with 3 girls who are just as awfully behaved). Every day of this kids life she is shuffled between one place and another and never sleeps in her own bed! The only time SD5 sees her mom is a couple hours on Sunday after she's been with us and is shuffled to the next place for Monday. SD5 complains that she doesn't see her mom enough and when she does, BM is sleeping!! BM isn't even trying to find a 1st full time job. Being a bar fly and sucking dicks is way too important.
My FH wants to try for custody once we get married(prob in about a year but haven't set a date honestly). SD5 needs a stable home. Needs to be able to sleep in her own bed, esp during the week for fuck sake. Needs help with homework consistently. She just needs more structure, discipline and care. The babysitter doesn't reprimand her...either do her grandparents. The grandparent's have money and just give into her, to stop the whining. I can always tell when SD5 has spent alot of time with them b/c she is extra brat-tastic.
This kids behavior is truly atrocious and it's easy to see why. What I can't believe is that BM's parents don't seem to notice or care, and don't say anything to her. I'm very nervous for what this child is going to grow up to become. No self control, pretty much acts like an animal, is manipulative and a liar, doesn't listen and isn't made to, has no idea how to share, throws schizo fits in public when she doesn't get what she wants(b/c somebody decided to start bribing her for good behavior, which I'm highly against and this is a good case of what happens).
My FH getting custody would be the best thing for this child. Maybe we can turn her around before it gets worse, but having her on the weekends isn't enough time to make a difference. But honesty, I don't think I'm up for it. I can't stand this child, she makes my life hell when she's around. It's gotten to the point that when I see her for the first time of the weekend, I just want to bend her over my knee immediatley just to get it out of the way. This kid just trips my trigger. I have three of own and don't allow them to act this way and don't understand how someone can purposely raise their child this way.
If there is a birthday party for SD5 to go to, do we get to take her since we have her? hell no...she picks up SD5, takes her, pretends to be supermom, and then drops her back off.
I could go on and on...from what info I've given do you think this BM is neglectful? I think so, but I'm not sure it is bad enough to call DCFS even though I'd love to. Kids deserve a chance. Plus, I think FH would know it was me who called on her.
No, that isn't neglect.
No, that isn't neglect. She's working. I'll take a working BM over one sitting at home milking the system any day.
If your FH thinks his daughter is being neglected, then he should go after custody now. The fact that he isn't acting now speaks volumes.
Yeah its not enough to
Yeah its not enough to warrant taking a kid away from a bio-parent but it is enough to get custody in a family court. But be careful you might get what you ask for. As a childless women why are you taking on these parents responsibilities? I'm telling you that you're going to regret taking on this lifelong assignment if you marry and this guy gets custody.
Take it from a 70yo guy with lots of experience in stepping. Find yourself a guy without children and start your own family after you've known him a couple of years.
Wait. Stop and look both ways. Think. There may be a train coming with your name on it and that name is Brat.
I think she said she has
I think she said she has three kids of her own. I agree this girl is young enough that you could turn her around with stability, structure, and strong parenting but only if you have her 100% of the time which isn't likely...BM is bound to be awarded some percentage of time. If you're on the fence about this relationship with FH I'd say leave now....but if you're truly committed to your man, you're in for a world of hurt with his daughter...be thankful she's young still....you could be starting off with stepping her as a teenager
I've found that very few
I've found that very few things actually rise to the "official" level of abuse or neglect. BM is most definitely raising her kids in an emotionally volatile environment, she triangulates them into her arguments with her DH, they live in filth, they miss a ton of school, but it's okay. It's shitty parenting, sure. But none of it rises to the state's definition of "abuse" or "neglect." It's crap. I have ZERO faith in Child Protective Services, can you tell?
This may be considered
This may be considered neglect, but in my experience with social services, unless the child is in immediate danger, they'll do nothing. Could custody be changed because she is not with the child and you are able to take care of him more than she is? Sure. It's worth a shot...but I must warn you, courts can be difficult, and it is an endless abyss of money lost that you may never get back, and you may get nothing changed...in fact, it could backfire and your BF may be forced to pay more in child support so she can be at home with the child more, or so she can afford more consistent child care for him.
These are the realities, and going through it, I wouldn't recommend it, unless you really feel your SS's well-being is in dire shape. We've made do with a therapist for our kids, and have left it alone. Until the kids want to leave, there's not a whole lot you'll be able to do here...short of the kid showing signs of major physical or emotional abuse. Bad behavior is a symptom, but unfortunately, it's also a symptom of poor parenting, not necessarily neglect, and my guess is not enough of a smoking gun for the courts to take away custody.
Ty for your replies. I should
Ty for your replies. I should have mentioned in the original post that the reasons my BF hasn't tried for custody is b/c right after we were engaged, his employer downsized and he lost a ton of hours. Can't even consider it part time at this point. And with that said, we can't afford a place big enough for our large combined family. We are all packed into a two bedroom right now. We live in a Chicago suburb and the cost of living is ridiculous and there are no jobs whatsoever. I have all the faith he can either find a new job or an additional one shortly. So we have some things to take care of first before we go blindly after this.
Oh ya and by the way, last
Oh ya and by the way, last Sunday when we dropped her off, SD fell asleep in the car. She's a big 5yo so I carried her bag and helped them into her house. She's sleeping and wakes up long enough to ask FH to put SD in the living room with cartoons. She rolls over and goes back to sleep. Before we left, FH put her bong away she had left on the coffee table. Nice, huh?
I don't think it is
I don't think it is neglectful or that you could call dcfs. Neglectful would be leaving the child alone at night while she works instead of taking her somewhere to be cared for. You could try for custody. The situation isn't ideal and may play in your favor with a judge. I just know that I personally wouldn't want full custody of ss. I enjoy my breaks away too much. Be careful what you wish for.