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So depressed and angry about BM's popularity parenting

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Submitted by Bojangles on Fri, 08/19/2011 - 7:33pm

It's been a while since I posted, I've been trying to muddle along on my own during the last year with SD15 in residence, but today an incident occured which again crystallised why stepparenting someone elses teen is such a strain: it's so much responsibility practically and emotionally, and so little control.

Crisis?

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Submitted by Bojangles on Sun, 12/05/2010 - 1:42pm

40 minutes ago I was happily sorting out the loft when DH appeared in the attic bedroom to inform me he had just received an odd message from SD15, who has been at her Mum's this weekend (we have custody). There was no time for further information because immediately his phone started ringing again and it was BM. As always her voice was clearly audible from the other side of the room. Apparantly huge row with SD19 has occured followed by SD19 and SD15 leaving the house, SD19 in a whirlwind of fury, SD15 loyally accompanying her.

Reflections on stepparenting

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Submitted by Bojangles on Sat, 11/13/2010 - 6:59pm

I have been feeling quite reflective about step parenting lately. Several recent threads have resonated with me, including one about young SKids who lie, and another about older SD’s who try to take on a pseudo mother/partner role. When I read these things I can look back on my own experiences and it’s like looking down on a maze instead of standing inside it, I can see patterns and common experiences which suddenly make sense. How I wish I had known some of this earlier on so I could have identified and addressed the problems instead of agonising about the symptoms.

Advice wanted: how do you deal with sex and young teen SD’s? DO you deal with sex and SD’s??

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Submitted by Bojangles on Sat, 10/16/2010 - 11:04am

Brief history: my SD14 has recently moved in with us full time following a very troubling summer in which she has been acting out in all sorts of ways. Among other things I am concerned that she is sexually active. Although we have had many constructive conversations with her and she has admitted to other behaviour, she has denied this when asked. We did a trawl of her mobile phone and Facebook account when her problematic behaviour emerged, in an attempt to find out what had been going on, and found a number of messages suggesting that she has been active with more than one partner.

Counselling and CS triumph

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Submitted by Bojangles on Wed, 10/13/2010 - 5:48am

It's my day off! SD14 goes to BM's tonight so no school pickup right in the middle of the afternoon and maybe DH and I might actually have a couple of hours to ourselves this evening. Now that the honeymoon period has worn off when the change in SD's behaviour was a huge relief I have been having some adjustment issues getting used to the idea of having her here all the time. I miss my week off. However SD is back at school, is still behaving well, and has started counselling, which is a big relief. Now I don't feel like I am carrying so much of the weight of her issues on my shoulders.

No more Mrs Nice Guy

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Submitted by Bojangles on Fri, 10/01/2010 - 2:49pm

I have recently resolved to stop being pleasant to BM having realised that after SEVEN YEARS BM still hates me as much as ever and is never going to give me a break. At the moment BM is on a permanent holiday in Denial convincing herself that SD does not really have serious emotional problems, so she won't have to accept any responsibility. I have identified a theme, BM is also in Denial when it comes to accepting any responsibility for her marriage ending. Funnily enough it seems that everything is my fault.

7 years and still fretting in the car!

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Submitted by Bojangles on Sun, 09/19/2010 - 5:21pm

Today I collected SD19 from her BM's house so she could come and visit with us and SD14 for a few hours before we put her on the train to college. It was a relief when I arrived to see BM's car was not on the drive. SD came out and started to put stuff in the car, then my relief was shortlived when BM arrived back a few moments later. When she walked past me to the house she did manage to say 'Hello' in a 'I will say hello in order to maintain minimum decency but I begrudge it because I hate you' manner.

The anxiety

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Submitted by Bojangles on Wed, 09/15/2010 - 6:28pm

Some mixed progress with SD14, now resident with us for 3 and a half weeks and making efforts to get back on the rails following recent destructive activities. DH and BM have embarked on an ill planned effort to transfer SD to our local school, DH motivated by the desire to separate her from negative influences and give her a fresh start, BM clearly motivated by the desire to have an excuse to tell her family and friends about why SD has decided to live with her father.

Breakthrough with SD14

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Submitted by Bojangles on Mon, 08/30/2010 - 7:59pm

I was fairly horrified at the prospect of being at home with SD14 for 10 days but things have taken a dramatic turn for the better. On the day of her arrival DH and I spent an hour preparing to discuss things with her. We made a number of decisions including doubling the duration of her grounding, removing the PC from her bedroom and putting it in a public place for shared use, restricting internet access to 2 hours and permanently disabling internet access from her laptop so it can only be used for schoolwork, and insisting that she provide the login details for her FB and email accounts.

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