Today I collected SD19 from her BM's house so she could come and visit with us and SD14 for a few hours before we put her on the train to college. It was a relief when I arrived to see BM's car was not on the drive. SD came out and started to put stuff in the car, then my relief was shortlived when BM arrived back a few moments later. When she walked past me to the house she did manage to say 'Hello' in a 'I will say hello in order to maintain minimum decency but I begrudge it because I hate you' manner.

Did I get an apology for her rudeness at our last meeting? The meeting when I commiserated with her for the unfortunate start to her holiday (car had broken down, SD14 had broken grounding necessitating exclusion from holiday and delivery to our house) and she silenced me in my own hallway from making any comment to SD on arrival, and then when SD was out of earshot poked her finger at me and told me her daughter was screwed up because DH had left her. Which is of course my fault and nothing to do with the fact that she was unfaithful, they were miserable and he had given up on their marriage. No, no apology was forthcoming. Apparantly she made the excuse to DH that she was just 'under a lot of stress'. Really? How would I understand that when I was about to take care of her very troubled daughter for 10 days?

Then I had the usual tension, do I get back in the car and wait for SD19? Do I get out and go up to the front door while SD 19 gets her stuff and try to act like everything is normal? Do I try to share my concerns with BM about SD14's emerging array of problems, even though BM resents me even more now because one of her children has chosen to live with me? How can I have been doing this for 7 years and still end up fretting in the car about how to behave?

I stayed in the car and tried to look occupied for the several minutes it took SD to assemble her stuff and finish the conversation with her mother. I decided it is not my job to take any more flak from the crazy lady, DH can liaise with her about SD14 and I will abandon any notion of a parenting 'team'. I am not making any more chit chat or pretences at normality other than the bare minimum necessary to not upset the younger SKids.

Then on the way home I had the difficult job of asking SD19 about her attitude to food, and her view of SD14's attitude to food, because of my strong suspicion that SD14 is copying her sisters obsession with thinness. Sure enough SD19 confessed that she has a problem with food and lies about what she has eaten to her mother because she feels under pressure to be thin. SD19 is training to be a dancer. Currently I am obsessed with what SD14 is and isn't eating to an unhealthy degree and am about to implode with anxiety. I'm just hanging on till our first counselling app't next Friday. Now I'm worried about SD19 as well but as an adult it's beyond my remit to be fixing her problems and I've got enough on my plate with SD14 so I had to limit myself to gently pointing out the dangers and asking her to be very careful what she said and did with regard to food around SD14. DH told me this evening that I have to step back and stop obsessing about SD14's life, he is worried about my worrying (I am a class A worrier). I pointed out that it is hard to step back when I am at home with her 24/7 while she is off school. And to top it all off I am exhausted because I am spending too much time in the evening on StepTalk in order to distract my attention from my own problems by reading about other peoples! Tonight my goal is to be in bed before midnight.