Lapses
I've spent the best part of 2 years trying to switch off to my stepchildren, to be pleasant but uninvolved. To not care that my relationship with them is a disappointment to me. And then, on days like today when it's YSD's 19th birthday I stupidly lapse and stalk her Twitter. Why do I do it to myself. I immediately regret it when I see 'Daddy bought me x!'. Not 'Dad', because although our 5 and 7 year old call him Dad, the 19 year old still feels the need to call him 'Daddy'. Not 'Daddy and Bojangles got me x' because apparently I don't exist and the gift is not from us. She once posted 'Love my Dad's kids, they're just perfect' after a rare visit, as though no mother existed or had any involvement in the raising of the 'perfect' children. Of course the answer to this is to stop checking and stop caring. Back on the wagon. Must stay on the wagon.
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I have an SD19 at college and
I have an SD19 at college and an SD13 at home FT. BM died two years ago. I tried disengaging last July, only intervening when my home and pets were neglected. It has been difficult. SD19 is only here 4 months out of the year but her entitlement drives me crazy! She calls DH "Daddy" as well. SD13 needs to be put in diapers because she is so damn juvenile and can't do anything for herself. She announced 3mos ago that she wanted to be a boy, so we are struggling with that.
I only cook dinner maybe once a week and have really stepped back more from SD13. November was horrible. She left all kinds of weird things in my basement (which I caught on my cell video). She told me today that she registered for HS classes. I didn't even look at her, I had been home for five minutes and was busy feeding my pets. Typically, I would have asked what she signed up for, but tonight I found myself simply saying, "That's good," trying to end the conversation. If I don't talk to her then I don't get lied to.
SD19 spent most of her Thanksgiving break laying on the couch in the LR as if it were her bed. DH sees nothing wrong with this. Thank goodness she is back at school. I never want to take days off during the summer because both SDs are at home, sitting on their butts.
Ever since the Thanksgiving holiday, I have REALLY realized that I don't want to live in a home with these skids. DH is trying parent but is so laid back and clueless. SD13 didn't brush her teeth for two days over break. She showered Saturday morning and I kept my mouth shut....until last night when I mentioned it to DH. I told him he needed to work on having her shower because it was disgusting. He agreed. So, shame on me for "lapsing" with that helpful reminder.
The thought of a slightly longer commute and a place to myself is running through my mind, non-stop. It's almost as if it's a sure thing that I'll move back to my former home, once my tenant moves out. It's scary. I think I have the financial means to do this, I'm pretty sure, but it's not like DH and I fight all of the time.
I just know I'm not comfortable in my own home. I have to talk to DH and ask him to set boundaries for these Skids and keep them out of my way. I don't think it will work, and he'll just make me feel guilty for the uproar in the marriage when it's been his lack of parenting that's caused it. I can't set boundaries myself for SD19 when she is here because she is defiant and messed up. She thinks she has it all figured out but needs a padded room.
I guess I could leave, I don't know. I could just tell everyone that I had a lapse in my marriage, right?
~ Moon
Thanks for your comment, I
Thanks for your comment, I really identified with this bit:
"She told me today that she registered for HS classes. I didn't even look at her, I had been home for five minutes and was busy feeding my pets. Typically, I would have asked what she signed up for, but tonight I found myself simply saying, "That's good," trying to end the conversation. If I don't talk to her then I don't get lied to."
YSD lived with us for 2 years, it started with lots of affection and good intentions and ended with me only able to relax in my own home when she wasn't in it. She wasn't openly defiant, she was messed up and a terrible liar. She did what she wanted behind our backs and acted like miss perfect at home. Like you I ended up not wanting to talk to her because I didn't want to be lied to. It destroyed my peace of mind but I had got in too deep and it took a LONG time to disengage. Eventually she moved back to her mother's. Disengagement is still a work in progress, I don't care about her the way I used to, but there was an investment there, it's hard to let go of the resentment.