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A Christmas miracle

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Sun, 12/01/2013 - 7:43pm

I am reeling from the shocking news that DH has actually taken the bull by the horns and done something to avoid yet another Christmas day when we end up at the butt end of his 18, 22, 23 and 26 year old daughter's plans. I thought it would never happen. Every Christmas is organised around BM. The year before last they rolled up 2 hours late because dinner had 'overrun' at BMs, so we sat around waiting and waiting and eventually had to put newbornDS, DS2 and DD4 to bed before they turned up. Last year I tried really hard to get him to talk to them well ahead of time, but he not only put it off till a few weeks before Christmas he also made the foolish error of starting by talking to BM, who then made sure she orchestrated things so that they would spend all day with her and refuse to come round before 6.30pm in case it upset their 7 year old half brother (BMs son with her exbf), at which point we would again be putting DSthen1, DSthen3 and DDthen5 to bed.

I have spent the last few weeks Christmas shopping and thinking there was no point even asking because it would end up like every year with him putting off doing anything, me getting frustrated, followed by a tense last minute discussion on Christmas Eve and the stepchildren refusing to upset their mothers plans.

Imagine my shock when DH informed me today that he had sorted out Christmas and they have all agreed to visit in the DAY, and come round late morning for a few hours before Christmas dinner is served at their Mum's, when the children will actually be awake. As a secondary benefit BM is PISSED OFF. "I know they're adults and can make up their own minds, but it would have been nice if you had talked to me first" she apparently told him on the doorstep today. Oh really BM, like he did last year, so you can machinate in the background to ensure that it doesn't happen and Christmas is organised to your satisfaction. After DH told me I kept saying 'I can't believe it' (10 minutes later) 'I can't believe it'.

I know this is a small achievement in the big scheme of things but it will make a big difference to our Christmas, not only because the children will actually get to see their older sisters on Christmas Day, but because we won't feel bottom of the pile, I won't have to feel annoyed with DH AND we can actually spend the evening on Christmas Day relaxing and preparing for DD's birthday on Boxing Day. Yay!

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Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Sun, 12/01/2013 - 8:16pm

Sorry - DH's youngest child is SS16 who he still collects from BM's house and sees on Sunday afternoons and Wednesday evenings. I didn't mention SS because he is not a part of our Christmas at all as he has refused to visit our home for 2 years. DH has very little contact with BM so she must have made a special effort to catch him on the doorstep and reproach him about his inconsiderate Christmas plans. BM may pull something out of the bag to disrupt this but I doubt it, they would have been aware that they were agreeing to a plan which may not suit BM when they agreed. She claimed to DH that she had had to reorganise all her plans with her exBF re their son but I doubt it.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Mon, 12/02/2013 - 4:17am

Thanks. Yep you're on easy street, I acquired my stepchildren when they were aged between 6 and 16, can you imagine the roller coaster of 2 children, 3 teens, a doting defensive Dad and childless stepmum squashed into a 3 bedroom house EOW?!

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Mon, 12/02/2013 - 1:26pm

Thank you SA. The bottom of the pile feeling is surprisingly demoralising. I used to love Christmas before I got involved with DH, but Christmas with a divorced man, who is, as you say, in the penalty box, is just a second rate experience all round. Only when we had our own children did we stop feeling like we were always the bridesmaid, never the bride. And even then the whole issue of the timing of the stepchildrens visit to us was a source of frustration, because of this ongoing expectation that we should fit our Christmas Day around the slot that they, or rather BM, had allocated to see us.

To give them their credit they have come every Christmas Day at some point, although there was a bid 2 or 3 years in to have 'two Christmas's' and do a mock Christmas Day on Boxing Day. I think this suggestion was prompted by BM weeping as the children were collected at 4.30pm the previous Christmas. When OSD mentioned this plan to me in her usual bossy way I had to hide my horror, I carefully pointed out that there was only one Christmas Day, they only lived 5 minutes drive from DHs house and if they went ahead with that plan it would basically break his heart. She got cross with me and suggested it was none of my business. But I think my point hit home because they abandoned the plan.

I have to say I had resigned myself to thinking it would be better if they didn't come at all this year after the last two years of tension, but suggesting that, or telling them their evening visit would not work, would have caused more drama and I would have ended up getting the blame so it would have been a hollow victory. This is the best all round solution, a peaceful Christmas would be really nice.