It's been a while since I posted, I've been trying to muddle along on my own during the last year with SD15 in residence, but today an incident occured which again crystallised why stepparenting someone elses teen is such a strain: it's so much responsibility practically and emotionally, and so little control.

SD15 has been with us for a year, despite my suspicion that she would bail out and return to her mother's more permissive home after a stretch living with the more traditional boundaries we have here. Even after a huge amount of effort to bond with SD and treat her as my own, and even though we mostly get on well, I still feel a weight lift when she departs for her mother's house, and a sense of tension before her return. I just cannot feel as relaxed in my home as I do when it's just me, BD4, BS2 and DH. BM has SS13 living with her but is still unhappy that SD has chosen to live here and over the summer has carefully orchestrated a number of events to extend SD's time at her house.

Although I am irritated by BM's underhand tactics and frequent failure to consult with DH before changing the dates for SD's return, part of me has been relieved to have more time alone with BD and BS and less time with a bored teenager in the house. But this week it transpired that BM had bought tickets for SD15 and SD20 to go to a weekend music festival, camping overnight for 3 nights, on our weekend with her, and without agreeing it with DH beforehand. She got SD to call DH at work and ask if she could go to the festival, without specifying whether it was for one day or the weekend, or giving any other details, thus giving him inadequate information to make a decision and putting him in the position of being the bad guy if he said no. BM commented in the background that she would call him to discuss it later, she never called, and then the next day informed him that the tickets had been purchased and they were for the entire weekend.

DH and I are not happy about a 15 year old camping out at a music festival, we are the custodial home and it is completely out of order for BM to arrange an activity on our time, let alone one which involves trust and privileges which should have been agreed with DH. It is already a struggle to prevent SD15 trying to assume the rights and privileges of her 20 year old sister, without giving her this kind of freedom.

I was actually suprised by the force of my reaction when I got the message from DH confirming SD15 would be spending the entire weekend at the festival. I cried for about 20 minutes, whilst trying to work out why I was so upset. I think ultimately it comes down to my powerlessness in the face of her mothers machinations and DH's resigned acceptance that she is a loose cannon who cannot be controlled. I ended up calling DH and asking him what was the point of my working so hard to treat her as my own so she could feel part of a happy family unit, when my ability to parent her consistently and set and maintain appropriate boundaries can be completely undermined at a moments notice by her mother. Why is it that her actual mother treats parenting as a popularity contest, leaving me to either be a hypocrite and feign acceptance of things I disapprove of, or be the bad guy? It's at times like this that I wish SD would just return to her mother's house and leave me out of it. But of course that is just what BM is aiming for.