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Ex being released from jail and wanting to see kids

flmomma08's picture

Hi all! I posted a lot about my situation while it was happening, but now I have been divorced almost 2 years. My ex DH is in jail/drug rehab program due to his heroin addiction, which was the reason for our divorce. He has been gone since February and wasn't really present for a while before that (drug use). I have sole custody of our kids (6 and 2)  but he has visitation (mutually agreed upon and supervised by me or someone I appoint). 

For the past few months, he has been doing video visits with the kids once a week. He is scheduled to be released soon and is talking as if things are just going to go back to normal (we did visits once a week before he went to jail). I am not sure how to go about this. I don't want one of my only 2 days off revolving around him again. I'm not saying I don't want my kids to see him, but he's the one who screwed up, not me. Should I ease back into them seeing him? Where should we do the visits? I don't trust him in my home (we divorces because he was bringing drugs into our home, leaving them out where kids could get them, and being high while he was supposed to be caring for the kids). I am so lost right now. He's been gone 9 months and our lives haven't stopped... I don't think he really gets that. 

tog redux's picture

Ask him to find a trustworthy person to supervise instead of you, at that person's home - someone in his family perhaps? If he won't make that effort then you will know if he really wants to see the kids or just wants to engage with you. 

flmomma08's picture

Unfortunately he's burned bridges with his family. We used to do the visits at his parent's house before he went to jail, but while he was staying there he overdosed in their bathroom and caused all kinds of trouble. They don't want him there anymore. I agree though, it should be on him. 

tog redux's picture

That's his problem, too. You aren't obligated to supervise his visits. If he doesn't like it, he can file in court. 

flmomma08's picture

When we got our custody order, we agreed to me supervising visits unfortunately *dash1*

This was before he went to jail, though. 

We don't have a specific visitation schedule, our court order just says that visitation will be mutually agreed upon and supervised by me or someone I appoint. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

This is what I was thinking.

OP, are there any visitation centers that he could hire someone to supervise visits at that location? Or perhaps alternating one weekend with video visits and the next with supervised visits with you?

Ultimately, I'd put it on him to sort out the where. Provide him with parameters about where to meet (e.g. family member's house or public location, not your home) and providing money to do things with the kids if he chooses a public location (not you getting saddled with lunch or movies for all of you).

You have both the right and responsibility to moderate interactions between the kids and their dad. I think there is a lot of flexibility here to allow the kids access to their dad without having to give up every weekend for his whims. HE can coordinate a dinner out during the week if he wants to see them. HE can work with a family member to host him and the kids. Don't be the only one doing it all. Make him put in the effort, and if he doesn't, then his physical time with his kids is limited.

flmomma08's picture

I believe there is a visitation center we can use but I will have to find out the details. I know my kids would freak out if I dropped them off at a place like that though so I'm really hesitant. My 6 year old wants to see him but she does not want to do it without me, and my other child just turned 2 so I'm sure he won't be comfortable with him alone either since he was just a baby when he went away. Ugh! I'm going to ask his sister how she feels about doing it at her house. That's the only other family member he has since he burned bridges with his parents. 

Winterglow's picture

Video for a year and then the visitation centre. Please look into it - these places are more comfortable than you might think. And, of course, he has to bear the cost of it.

 

 

 

 

Winterglow's picture

His family is not a good choice. They are liable to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him swan off with his kids because "he's their dad, after all".

flmomma08's picture

Ugh. His sister's husband is a cop so I would hope he wouldn't let him violate the CO and run off with the kids but you're right, you just never know what people will do or allow. It's nerve wracking. 

advice.only2's picture

When he gets out will he be going to a halfway house for the drug use, or just straight up released back into the world with no follow up on the drug issue?  Personally I would keep with the vidoe chats and start requesting drug testing before he has any supervised visitation.  He has a long hard road ahead of him and giving him what he wants right out the gate isn't going to help him with his recovery (if he's doing any).  He will need to earn back these things by not breaking trust and keeping himself clean and sober.

flmomma08's picture

He is supposed to be going to court this week to find out if he is going straight "home" (wherever that may be, who knows) or to a halfway house. Right now, he is in a court ordered rehab (he was transferred there from jail). I will definitely request drug testing, good idea. Does anyone know what I need to do to request that - do I have to do a custody modification or is there an easier way?

advice.only2's picture

For us we did it during a custody modification, my DH requested given Meth Mouths history that he could have her randomly drug tested at any time. 

Miss T's picture

Your priority is to protect your kids, in this case protect them from abrupt changes. Keep contact to video for a good long while to see how he does away from 24/7 supervision.  If your kids are nagging to see him in person, put on your Mom pants and just say no.

flmomma08's picture

So here's the update... he was released 2 days ago and it sounds like he's just staying wherever he can stay. He has no housing, car, job, nothing. He asked me to drop the kids off with him at some random woman's house he was staying at! I told him I'm not dropping them off anywhere with him. He has supervised visits for a reason. I told him I could meet him at his sisters house but he doesn't want to do that. He wants them dropped off with him. So I guess he has made his choice. 

tog redux's picture

Actually, that's perfect. Now you aren't withholding the kids from him, he's refusing to follow the CO. Let him take it to court and get the part about you supervising the visits removed.  I hope you have everything in writing.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Keep all communication via text or email so you have proof of what he is saying to you. Continue to tell him, in writing, "you can continue video visits and have visits at your sister's house with your sister present." Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't argue with him, don't barter with him. Remember that YOU have the right and responsibility here.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

My first thought was "OMG, that's outrageous, is he on drugs?".  Then I realised that as someone who has a history of using, that he may well be on drugs.

flmomma08's picture

Yeah, I was pretty shocked that even he would think I would drop my kids off with ANYONE who was released from jail/rehab a day ago. I am keeping all communication to text that way it is in writing. I think me offering to take the kids to his sister's house to see him is perfectly reasonable. There is no way I am dropping them off with him. 

Beenall3kindsofmom's picture

We are going thru a similar situation with my daughter right now. You need to protect your kids, and he needs to PROVE that he deserves to be with them. That means being and staying sober! My grandson is 7 and having his BM in and out of his life like a revolving door has been really hard on him. If his sister is really trust worthy and is willing to do this, great...but if it were me, I would try to use a professional supervisor. Each county has a list of supervisors and there are some that are free or charge on a sliding scale. This is a miserable situation, as I well know. My prayers are with you.

flmomma08's picture

Thank you. I'm going to look into the visitation center. It sounds like his sister doesn't want to be involved in it anyway. It is so hard on the kids, especially my daughter who is 6 (my son just turned 2 so he doesn't really know any difference). Last time we had weekend visits with him and he ended up going back to jail, obviously the visits stopped and my daughter didn't know why she wasn't seeing him anymore. It's heartbreaking seeing how the kids are hurt by it. Prayers to you as well. 

Beenall3kindsofmom's picture

I hadn't read thru the whole thread before I commented! He isn't ready or able to have visitation if he is still thinking like an addict. This sort of demanding, controlling behavior is fairly typical of addicts. You stand firm! He's the one who needs to prove to you he deserves any consideration in regard to your children. A toxic parent is much worse than no parent at all.

flmomma08's picture

Ok so the sister does not want to do the visits at her house. He doesn't have any other family members who are trustworthy and able to help. I checked into our local visitation centers and they are used for domestic violence situations (which we have never had). I feel like I am out of options :/

Rags's picture

It is no your responsibility to arrange his supervised visitation.  That said, check with your/a church, look for volunteer organization, etc...

flmomma08's picture

You're right. My daughter wants to see him though so I was trying to work something out but it should definitely be more on him.

Winterglow's picture

It should ALL be on him. He's the one who wants to see her, he's the one who has to make it happen. He thinks that it's up to you. Umm, no. I understand that your daughter wants to see him but "daddy hasn't managed yet" is a valid explanation. Does it ever occur to him to call her?

flmomma08's picture

Oh yeah, get this. He calls her and talks about taking her to the movies and the trampoline park and all these thing he's NOT ALLOWED TO DO! He has SUPERVISED visits. He is out of his mind!

flmomma08's picture

Well guys, as of today he is basically refusing to do the supervised visits. He said he will not go to his sister's house and to let him know when he can take our daughter to the movies. This is insanity!!

Winterglow's picture

Please make sure that the school knows that he is NOT allowed to pick her up from school! Make sure they see or have a copy of the court order that says supervised visits only!