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stopping calls between kids and their father?

flmomma08's picture

Ok so very quick back story since I covered this in prior post, my ex DH recently got out of jail/rehab (heroin) after 9 months. He was doing video visits with our kids (6 ad 2) while he was there but he has been out for over a month and has not seen them. He has supervised visits and I feel like I've gone above and beyond to try to accommodate the visits so the kids can see their dad. I've offered to meet him at his mom's house, his sister's house, the park... nothing. He doesn't think he should have to do supervised visits. 

 

Anyway, he has been calling to talk to the kids (really only our 6 year old because our 2 year old is too young to sit on the phone) once or twice a week. Every time he calls, he tells her all these things they are going to do together and asks her what she wants for Christmas and says he's going to get her all these things. Clearly, none of it is likely to happen. 

 

The kids and I are going to his sister's house next weekend to do gift exchange with our kids and I asked him if he would be there, hoping the kids would get to see him around Christmas. His response was he doesn't know if he will be around. Now he has court this week for some charges from another state that he has not dealt with yet because of Covid, and then because he was in jail in our state... so he is just now having to deal with these charges from a couple years ago. They are DUI and posession charges, as far as I know. 

 

I'm just not sure what to do here. I don't want to say you can't talk to your dad but all he's doing is getting her hopes up for nothing. I'm tired of seeing her let down. 

 

Any advice?

caninelover's picture

That is all a very tough situation.  I would say you may want to be honest (but in a kid-friendly way) about Daddy not being well right now, but the only way to stop him promising stuff is to not have any communication at all.  Which may be the right thing to do given his history but that would require a return to court to change the supervised visits.

flmomma08's picture

He actually has court tomorrow so if he ends up getting more time (different state), it might buy me some more time. I am definitely going to talk to my daughter though and explain things. Thanks!

tog redux's picture

I think that your kids will have to learn to deal with their father, and while cutting him off might be tempting, it's not a long-term solution.  I'd suggest a therapist to help you talk with her appropriately about her father's issues and how he makes promises that he doesn't keep, but that's not her fault.

Even if you cut him off, he can file for visits and will get them. 

flmomma08's picture

True. He is welcome to see the kids. He has refused every attempt I've made to set up a visit but puts on a show like he wants to see them. It's maddening. She talked to a therapist a couple times but they were doing Zoom visits at the time and she wasn't really into them. I will check and see if I can find one in person now. Thanks for the suggestion!

ESMOD's picture

In nowhere near as horrific circumstances.. my DH's EX was one to over promise and under deliver.

The girls knew their mom wasn't reliable.. but hope springs eternal right? and she came through just enough that it was somewhat plausible.  When I get my tax refund.. we will have a shopping spree.. go on vacation..etc.. etc..  ugh.

But, how do you manage expectations when the EX is spouting off all these things.  Especially when a kid is SIX years old? They can't understand the full adult version.  You don't want to tell them that dad is a liar.. 

I think the best thing is to tell them that while dad loves them.. he promises things that he isn't always able to do.  He is doing it because he WANTS to do those things for them.. but in the end, the reality is he isn't in that position.

In your position, I might try a "knock it off" call with him to explain how much he is hurting them with promises of things he has no hope of delivering.  Also tell him that the supervised visit situation isn't up to  him to decide.. it was the court and it is a problem of his own making.  That the first step in having a relationship with his kids means he has to do this... if he isn't willing to do that?  then it's his own fault that a relationship isn't being built.

You could also monitor the calls.. and when he starts the promises.. you can cut the calls short.. 

Hey EX..that's enough for the girls today... they can talk again next week.

And a message afterwards reminding him to keep the topic off promises he can't keep and just keep it light try to get to know his own kids.

flmomma08's picture

I like this. I typically let her talk to him in her bedroom but that can change. I will also try coming right out and telling him to knock off the bs he's telling her. Thanks for the suggestions!

Someoneelse's picture

I don't think cutting the father off completely is a good idea, she'll resent you forever for it. but maybe have a conversation with her before and after about not getting her hopes up. And maybe talk to your ex about not making promises that he cannot keep because it really hurts her, and you think he's hurt her enough already. I know he probably could care less, but maybe if he knew that he's really hurting her, maybe he'd stop. maybe send him pictures of her being so broken over his broken promises, maybe he would get the idea. I dunno, I just don't think cutting him out of her life is a good idea, she can do that if she wants when she's older... but you REALLY don' want to be the one to do it.

 

flmomma08's picture

Yeah, I already had to have a conversation with her when he was in jail because I didn't want her thinking I just wasn't letting her see him or anything like that. I wasn't sure what was going on in her head. Looks like I'm going to have to talk to her again about him, ugh. Thank you!

advice.only2's picture

I wish we could have cut off all contact between Meth Mouth and Spawn.  I think Spawn would have ended up way better had she not had Meth Mouth in her life.  When we got custody of Spawn we had a span of three months where Meth Mouth didn't see or speak to Spawn.  We got Spawn into counseling and enrolled her in different activities to help her deal with everything.  She was actually starting to do very well and was starting to try to build a relationship with DH and I and then the courts ordered Meth Mouth to have visitation and that was it.  Spawn came back same old Spawn, distrustful of us and lying and deceitful.  She told DH she didn't want go to counseling anymore because she was being told to lie (not true) and she stopped wanting to do the activities and wanted to start doing only things Meth Mouth wanted her doing.  Honestly I feel like we could have helped Spawn get on a better path in life had Meth Mouth not been around.  I know this is not going to be a popular opinion, but it's mine and our story didn't end well so that's all I have to speak to.

flmomma08's picture

I love the names you have for them, LOL!

I think at this point, my kids would be better off without him around. He's been in and out of their lives due to his drug use since I was pregnant with our youngest. So over 2 years now. I think they got used to him not being around and now bam he's back with him same old bs! So frustrating!

Thumper's picture

I-m so happy same here^^adviceonly2

PLUS our situation, pas to the max plus meth.

Beenall3kindsofmom's picture

I agree with the comments above. Hard as it is to see your child hurt and disappointed, they need to know who there father is. To prevent them from having him in their lives may keep the hurt at bay for now, but as was mentioned above, the burden will fall on you for protecting them. The time will come when you will be to blame for them not having their father in their lives. It's a rotten situation and painful as hell, but kids will learn who and what "Dad" is. In the long run, they will survive and will be able to see the situation for what it is.  Good luck, I know how hard this is, but I made the decision to allow my kids to see their dad, and it hurt like hell, but each of them thanked me when they were grown for allowing them to decide themselves. No matter how hard you try, people will hurt them through the growing up years. You will be there to help them through it and they will love you all the more for it.

flmomma08's picture

Thanks. I have tried so many times since he has been out (over a month) to set up visits and he has refused every time. But wants to continue calling and making these empty promises. It's so hard to watch. 

Rags's picture

Though we never cutt off contact or calls between the Skid and the Spermidiot, he pretty much did it for us. Never once in the 16+ years we all lived under the Custody/Visitation/Support order did he call to speak with SS.  He would call periodically to cry and ask my DW if she stilled loved him and whine about how much he mssed his family, waaaaaaaaaa!

Never once did he ask to speak with his kid.  DW would laugh at his pathetic bullshit then ask if he wanted to speak with SS.  If he spoke with SS at all it was only for a minute or two.  

Even when on SpermLand visitation SS would only see the Dipshitiot for a few hours of one day.  It did not matter if it was the 5wk summer visitation, the 1wk winter visitation, or the 1wk spring visitation.  He would see SS nearly no time at all, if he did see him at all.  VIsitation was spent with the GreatGPs and SpermGrandHag with minimal interface with SpermGrandPa.  SGP had major issues with paying his idiot son's CS for my SS so he pretty much had zero to do with my SS.

As sad at that was for DW and I to see, it gave us the advantage of more than being able to counter the SpermGrandHag's toxic bullshit and SS left that genetic shit show far behind him.  His sister (Spawn #2 is bareviable, Spawn #3 is in prison, Spawn #4 is not far behind #3.)

I get that your eldest wants to see her dad. However, you are absolutely doing the right thing keeping your X under the thumb fo the CO requiring supervised visitation.  Make sure to keep your eldest fully aware that her dad could see her if he wanted to.  You cannot accept the mantle of the bad guy. DD-6 needs the facts. No matter how heartbreaking that nay be for now.  Nothing brutal.

"Honey,  your dad was in prison and has some stuff to work through before he is ready to see  you.  Whe he does the right things, you can see him.  But the Judge does not think it would be safe for you right now."

Answer her questions honestly and directly keeping the onus on her dad to step up.

Take care of yourself and those girls.  Crack head is not the priority.  He should never be.

flmomma08's picture

Thank you. Yes, he has an older daugher (my former SD) who is old enough to see through the BS and no longer wants anything to do with him. My kids are still too young but I think in time, they will do the same. 

Rags's picture

Any age is old enough for a child to be given clarity that prison is for bad people and that their father was in prison.

Someoneelse's picture

I just want to add that, i am not in your shoes, and this must be so hard for you. As a parent(a decent parent), you want to protect your children from hurts, especially what send like preventable hurts.  But I feel that if you keep them from talking to their father, in the future, when they find out that he tried to call them, and you stopped him from talking to them, they will feel betrayed by you (even though you did what you thought was best at the time). 

My heart is with you in this.  I know that it will be hard to see their little hearts break by their father, time and time again.  But at least they will have a mother who was their to mend their heart each time, making it stronger and stronger each time.  Be their rock, be their shoulder to cry on... that's the best advice i can give you i think.