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BF says I have inappropriate relationship with ex DH

flmomma08's picture

Ex DH and I have 2 children who are 6 and 2. We divorced when I was pregnant with our 2 year old due to his drug use. He was in jail for about a year (drug charges) and was released end of November. He slowly started seeing the kids again, and has been seeing them regularly since February. I have full custody but he has visitation which is supervised by me (states this in our court order, we both agreed to it). 

 

BF and I have been together 1.5 year and did not have any issues related to my ex DH since he was not around. It seems like since ex DH has been around, it has been nonstop issues. BF accuses me of having an inappropriate relationship with him. 

 

For the past couple months, we have been meeting at my mom's house for his visits. My mom lives in the same neighborhood as him and I was visiting her on weekends anyway. Ex DH typically plays outside with the kids while I hang out inside with my mom. Everyone is happy with this arrangement besides BF. He says I am "spending my weekends with ex DH." This is his visitation that he is legally entitled to. We agreed on the days and location because it works for us. I told him he doesn't have to like it. I even asked if he wanted to come a few times but he never wanted to. We got into it again this past weekend and he left again. 

 

I am not sure where to go from here. BF thinks there is something going on between ex DH and I and there truly isn't. I have not seen him without the kids since we have been divorced. My kids want to spend time with him and as long as he is clean, I want them to see him as well. I won't tell my kids they can't see their dad because BF isn't comfortable. BF was well aware of our custody arrangement and that ex DH would eventually be out of jail. I'm just baffled. I don't want my relationship to end over this but I don't know what other option I have. 

flmomma08's picture

Just to add, the visits are taking place on Saturdays. So I am with BF every night, part of the day on Sat, and all day on Sunday. One of the reasons I chose Saturday is because BF was working on Saturdays anyway. Now that he is no longer working on Saturday it's an issue smh

Rags's picture

Is this happening every weekend?  If so, your SO is absolutely correct.  You are spending your WEs with your X rather than with your SO.

On the other hand, if the visitation is under a CO, it had to happen.  If I were you I would shift the visitation to EOWE rather than EWE if it in fact happening EWE.

flmomma08's picture

Yes, it is every Saturday but it is in our court order and we are only there a few hours. Usually around 12 to 3ish.

stepmomnorth's picture

I can see both sides as well. It does seem like the CO lays it out in such a way that the visits need to be supervised by yourself. Seemed like your BF knew this but he's upset about it now. I think its up to him whether to be more involved or whether he backs off. Because the visitation details likely aren't going to be able to be changed due to the CO.? I think it's good that you are allowing access for your child in this situation so that the child can continue to see his father, it shows that you have a kind heart and that you are thinking of the child, and not yourself.

Your BF views the arrangement as inappropriate, however I don't see it this way. The bio dad is legally entitled to this visit and you are doing it in way that works for everyone, at your mother's house and to me this makes sense. I think that BF should come to the visits if he feels concerned, or back off. (and also back off on the judgements or commenting) 

flmomma08's picture

When BF and I first got together, before ex DH went to jail, we were doing these visits every weekend at ex DH's parent's house. So BF knew perfectly well what our arrangements were. A few months into us dating is when ex DH went to jail so of course the visits stopped. When he got out, his parents no longer wanted to do the visits at their house so we switched location to my mom's house which works much better for me anyway because I'd rather hang out with my mom while he plays with the kids than sit there with his family. And I was visiting my mom on weekends anyway. I honestly thought it was the perfect arrangement.

Rags's picture

For local visitation schedules, it is not unusual for one side or the other (NCP/CP) to get the short end of the stick when it comes to preservation of their non Skid time.  

I get your SO's frustration. He gives up portions of every weekend with his mate because of a F'd up visitation schedule.  The current situation, while COd, and optimal for you as it currently stands, is invasive to your relationship. But, I suppose on some level, any Skid included adult relationship is invasive as some level.

My personal SParenting situation was that we were the full time CP household and SS-29 was with us 24/7 except for 7wks of long distance visitation per year.  SS on SpermLand visitation was a break for us.  We missed him, but we learned to enjoy our adult/kid free time as well.

Hopefully you will see some improvements as this all evolves.

flmomma08's picture

Thank you. My hope is eventually he will have normal, unsupervised visits but that is a long way away. I would want to see him clean for a while before that. I do hope it will get better. 

Someoneelse's picture

do they HAVE to be supervised by YOU, or since you are going to your mother's house, can your MOTHER be the superviser?

Merry's picture

It would help to know how your  BF responds to your other friendships and activities? Do you spent time with other people, family or friends, without him? Or are you together 100% of the time outside of work?

I guess I'm looking for patterns. If he is jealous and controlling of ALL your time, then you have a bigger problem. If the situation is only surrounding visitation with your exDH then maybe there is some compromising that needs to happen. Can someone else supervise the visits periodically? And, why won't he go to your mom's with you?

His accusation about something going on between you and your ex is concerning, but again, this coin has two sides. Is he unreasonably jealous of ANY man you talk with, male coworkers, other exBFs, accuse you of flirting with waiters, etc.? Or, do you communicate frequently with your ex during the week, and your BF thinks it's excessive?

flmomma08's picture

I was visiting my mom most weekends before this started and it was never an issue, it has only become an issue since ex DH has been there for visits. It's very rare that I go out since I have my kids full time so I can't honestly say how he would react if I was going out regularly.

Now that I think about it though he has had some strange reactions to things involving other men... I got an appointment confirmation from my kids' doctor via text and he questioned who "he" was (its a she and it was an automated text from the office not from the actual doctor), another time I got a message from a deck contractor who I requested an estimate from and he questioned why he was messaging me so late as if I have any control over when he sends his estimates. 

I don't communicate with any other exes so I can't say about that... I don't think ex DH and I communicate too frequently, he calls and talks to the kids almost every night but that should be expected. I send him updates/pictures of the kids here and there. Nothing major or excessive I don't think. No more than he communicates with his kid's mother.

I actually tried to have ex DH's parents and sister help out with the visits but they both refused to help.

BF was working on Saturdays up until last weekend and this was never brought up while he was working those days. Now that he isn't working Saturdays anymore, it's an issue that I am not home is what it feels like. I don't know. 

Winterglow's picture

Two things. First, it sounds as if he's pretty controlling because he wants your time and attention ANY time he's free. Doesn't he have hobbies or friends? Second, it also sounds as if he's spoiling for a fight. He's making wild accusations but won't go with you to see that there's nothing untoward happening. Why would he do that? Is it possible that he's the one cheating? 

flmomma08's picture

Nope, he does nothing and goes nowhere besides work. I feel like he is picking fights for no reason too and I have also wondered if he had or has something going on with his kid's mother and is just projecting that onto me. They have been divorced for 10 years so and she is remarried with other kids now but who knows. Or maybe its a different ex. 

Winterglow's picture

So, because he doesn't go anywhere, he thinks you shouldn't either? If he doesn't have any interests outside of work, he's going to grow dreadfully dull. Not even any friends? 

flmomma08's picture

Maybe he does think that! He's gone out with friends maybe 2 times in the 1.5 year we have been together. He only has his daughter a couple times a week so he has no reason not to go anywhere. 

stepmomnorth's picture

I think that what you are doing is reasonable by having the court ordered visitations at your mom's house. If it were myself this is how I would arrange it also because I'd feel more comfortable at my mother's house then at my exs family.

It's easy for your BF to say he doesnt like it, but hes not in your shoes. You have a child together with this man and are doing right by your son and your ex to have the visitations. I think your Bf is being a bit controlling and jealous and he's overreacting. I would keep the arrangements at your mom's house. He can deal.. Or not deal.. But I think he's being a bit immature about it all... IMO.. If he wants to come there's nothing stopping him. 

ndc's picture

I will start by saying that the fact your boyfriend doesn't trust you is concerning.  You've told him there's nothing going on with you and your ex, and he doesn't believe you.  It's 3 hours one day a week, and your mother is there.  You've invited him to come along.  Not to mention it's court ordered and he's known about the court order!  A guy who doesn't trust you under those circumstances is too controlling for me, and it's a huge red flag IMO.  You say you don't go out much because you have your kids all the time.  Is this the only time you go out?  Are you seeing friends and your family otherwise? Does he try to restrict your time with anyone other than the ex?

It sounds like you have plenty of time with your boyfriend (including all but those three hours every Saturday now that he's not working then), but every weekend visitation IS a PITA.  It means you can never go away for a weekend, never have a free weekend with your BF without another obligation, etc.  How long do you and your ex expect this to be the schedule?  Will he eventually have overnights, or a schedule that doesn't include time every single weekend?  

flmomma08's picture

It definitely seems like a red flag to me as well. I really don't ever go out without him but I don't necessarily feel like he is restricting me, its just hard to get out with having the kids all the time. I feel like we have plenty of time together too. We are together every evening/all night, the rest of the day on Sat and the full day on Sunday. If I wanted to go away for a weekend I don't think ex DH would give me any trouble. He's pretty easy to get along with. I am not sure about the future of the schedule. It is the way it is now because of his drug issues. He would have to have quite a bit of clean time before I was comfortable with any unsupervised visits, especially overnights. But it would be nice if that could happen down the road. 

stepmomnorth's picture

And it's not like you're planning some secret date night with him, going on vacation with him, etc, you're having a court ordered and supervised visit at your moms house! There is a  huge difference! Also.. He's invited. 

flmomma08's picture

It is truly baffling that he thinks there is something going on while we are at my mom's house with her and both the kids. I don't even know what he is thinking. 

Tried out's picture

This is the flip side of this annoying mantra -

"BF was well aware of our custody arrangement and that ex DH would eventually be out of jail."

Knowing it in your head and dealing with it in real-time are not the same thing.

He didn't know how he would feel when you dedicated every Saturday afternoon to facilitate visitation for your jailbird ex. Now he does, and it bugs him. Maybe you could try to put yourself in his shoes?

flmomma08's picture

Oh I get it, just not sure what I am supposed to do about it. We had these visits when BF and I started dating so he was well aware of how it would be when ex DH got out. I would probably not be thrilled about it if I were in his shoes either, but I don't know what I am supposed to do about it. He has court ordered visits, I have to be there (or someone else I agree with - his entire family has refused to help), I have invited BF to come along... I feel completely stuck.

 

Edited to add: BF knows I have talked to ex's parents and sister about helping with the visits and they all refused to help. I looked into visitation center but the only one near us is for domestic violence issues between the parents or parent/child, not jealous boyfriends. This was my last resort and he knows it. 

Ispofacto's picture

He's manufacturing unnecessary drama.  No one has the time or energy for stupid crap like this.

I swear, the older I get, the less tolerance I have for this type of nonsense.  It's exhausting.

 

Harry's picture

One does BF pay CS ?   Two. You divorced the BF because of durg using , Now he clean that reason is gone.  At one time you were in love with BF. At one time you had feelings for BF.  Now you,  the kids, your mom are playing Happy Family. And BF is paying for it. He has his weekend control by BF.  
 

looks like you want the best of both worlds,  playing with the ex and BF.  There is no need for you yo see the ex every week. 
 

Then where do you go from here?  He's invited to, Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, 4 of July, ground hog day ? 

If BF wants to see his kids he should make his own arrangements for that. He needs to find someone to supervisor the visits.  He should pick up the kids and return them home.  Not you playing coach, making all the arrangements.

There should be CS and other expenses paid you the kids. Medical , childcare ect. 
 

You can not let your past marriage effect your present relationship.  My wife ex never paid CS ( can't get blood from a rock ) I was told.  I wasn't going to pay her gas and expenses to bring the kids to see the ex.  if he wanted to see the kids, knowing he was an adult, it was up to him to figure it out. And paid for it 

flmomma08's picture

I am not sure what CS has to do with it.... I don't have children with my current BF. He has a child from his previous marriage and I have 2 kids with my ex DH. My current BF isn't paying for anything related to my ex or my kids. I definitely wouldn't say we are playing happy famiily... this is court ordered visitation. But thank you for another point of view.

 

Ex DH and I have a court order that says he has visitation which is to be supervised by me. He also is not allowed to drive them, per the CO (he has DUIs and lost his license). This CO was in place before I got into a new relationship and it can't be changed without going back to court which I would prefer not to do. Of course I could have someone else supervise the visits, which I have made numerous attempts to do but his family refuses to help. So unfortunately, the supervision and transportation is solely on me. 

Tried out's picture

So your now live-in BF who used to discipline your daughter for minor, trivial stuff that you didn't have a problem with is now being possessive about where you spend your Saturday afternoons. Sounds like nothing has changed.

And your ex who was refusing supervised visitation and filling your kids heads with empty promises now gets to see his kids every Saturday afternoon. I'm wondering if he is actually being a parent to your kids or if the visits just let him be their buddy with no actual responsibilities. Is he paying some fraction of his income for CS or is he not expected to do that because whatever? If he's not, if he gets dessert without eating his vegetables, how will he ever be able to be anything more than Fun Dad to them, and why would you want to support that? 

flmomma08's picture

If he wants the visits, he is legally entitled to them. I don't have any say in that. I get what you are saying but this is all court ordered. They don't care if he pays CS or not - that is completely seperate from visitation. If I deny visits, I am in contempt of court. 

 

And the kids certainly don't care about any of that. They just want to see their dad. 

Tried out's picture

sorry - in an earlier post you said the CO didn't specify how often the visitations should happen. I was assuming that was still the case since you didn't mention a modification. My bad!

I realize visitation and CO aren't linked. I was coming from the angle that perhaps visitation could be less fun and games and more actual parenting to encourage dad to grow as a parent. If he has to sacrifice nothing to get what he wants it's like his time away from his kids meant nothing. 

flmomma08's picture

The CO doesn't specify how often they should happen. We came up with this arrangement on our own because I was visiting my mom on Saturdays anyway and he lives in the same neighborhood. It's only about 3 hours per week that my kids are seeing their dad. I feel like that's hardly any time at all. I don't know. I would love for him to do more actual parenting, just not much he can do in 3 hours per week. I would have to increase the time for that to happen, which I don't want to do since I'm already getting crap for the time that I spend on visits.  It's definitely just him playing with the kids right now and I am left with all the responsibilities, which sucks. I feel like there is no winning here. 

stepmomnorth's picture

Just curious... Say your partner understands that your ex has a right to see the kids for his visitation, what does he feel is fair? Just curious. He doesn't like how it is... Does he have an offer or suggestion that he feels better about in the end? I mean, it's easy to disagree with something. Anyone can easily do that. But does he have any helpful ideas to contribute? Try turning the conversation back onto your partner.

You could try telling him, I understand you have an issue with this arrangement. My court order states that my ex has 3 hours of visitation each week. This isn't negotiable. Can we come up with a plan together for something we can both agree upon? I understand that you don't like the current arrangement. I'd like to hear your suggestions on another plan? 

flmomma08's picture

I asked him what he felt my options were as far as the visits go. I reminded him that he knows I asked ex's mother and sister for help with the visits and they both refused and that I contacted visitation center but was told it is only for domestic violence situations. I told him we agreed on my mom's house because I was visiting her pretty much every weekend anyway and the kids can play outside with dad while I hang out with my mom and know the kids are okay. I told him he knows the kids want to spend time with their dad and that if I start denying visits, he can easily take me back to court for part custody and if he can pass a drug test, he will most likely get it.

He had NO suggestions. I am going to bring it up again today though. I mean it's literally 3 hours a week. I don't see how I can cut that time back. If the kids didn't want to see him, it would be another story but they do. I think it's just that he doesn't want me to spend any time at all around ex, which is not realistic given that the visits are supervised by me. Ugh! Thank you for the advice!

Merry's picture

The more you tell us, the more your BF sounds like an immature, jealous control freak. He's not happy, has no solution, won't accompany you to your mom's. He's accusing you of an inappropriate relationship with no justification. Sounds like a tantrum that's not going away until you give in to what he wants. That's exhausting.

Besides seeing this big, bright, waving red flag for what it is, I think you tell him one more time: I have no choice in this matter. The kids need to see their dad and I am complying with the court order. You are welcome to come with me any time. Unless you can offer another solution, I'm finished talking about this.

And then BE finished with it. Normally I'm all for open and loving conversation and problem solving, but not when the other person is digging his heels in because of his own issues. That's not loving. At all.

My DH has given me one occasion to use this tactic -- he would repeatedly get mad about something in the past that neither of us could do anything about. I finally got fed up and told him to work out his issues with a therapist because I was done talking about it since we'd never get to a different resolution. DH would still bring it up now and then when he hit a low period, but I'd firmly remind him of that boundary. Eventually he stopped. It all stemmed from his own insecurities, and I guess he did finally work it out in therapy.

Your BF is, essentially, punishing you for his own issues. You don't have to accept it.

flmomma08's picture

He has told me before that his ex cheated on him with her ex so that is possibly where he is getting all this insecurity from. I have definitely never done anything to cause it that I am aware of. I mean my ex chose drugs over his family while I was pregnant with our son. I don't want anything to do with him other than for him to be a dad to our kids. BF has nothing to worry about as far as that goes. I will be taking your advice when we are done discussing this to tell him I am done talking about it. He has visitation. If BF can't come up with any better ideas, my hands are tied. Thank you!

2Tired4Drama's picture

And I have a very different take than others.

FLmom, a year ago you came on STalk for advice about your BF in relation to your kids. Each posting has been about your problems with your BF and seems like you are looking for more ammo to shoot at him. You don't need more ammo.  In fact, you don't need ammo at all.  What you need is a very clear mirror to look into and realize that you need to get your priorities in order.

I think a year ago there were many people who had given you good advice as to why you got involved with your BF too quickly and were moving too fast.  Some even suggested therapy. I would agree.  Your primary focus should have been, and should still be, your children. I'm sure you agree with that, as anyone would.  So why are you still in this relationship?  

Face facts: Your situation is not an easy one for anyone to deal with.  You have two small children with a man who will have lifelong problems related to his drug use and conviction. 

Your ex served time in prison/jail for drugs and your BF is in the military. I can understand why he does not want to go with you for your visitation since your exDH is a convicted criminal.  Don't you know that can be a real problem for someone in the military?  He cannot be put in a position where he has frequent contact with a convicted person without reporting it. If he doesn't, it could have serious consequences for him. 

I know this may come across as harsh but I do believe in tough love.  And in being succinct.  So here is my advice:  Do both yourself, your boyfriend and most importantly - your children - a favor and end this relationship NOW.  You were thinking about it a year ago and you are still pondering it.  What don't you understand?  You are trying to mix oil and water and it's not going to mix. Do the honorable and decent thing and tell your BF it's over.  

Then focus on your children and help them build whatever kind of healthy relationship they can with their father for the next few years.  THIS should be your priority and where your mindset is - not trying to figure out how to "fix" a relationship that's always been broken.  You've made it clear for more than a year now that you do not like your BF's attitudes/actions regarding your kids. I'd suggest that it isn't just your BF's issue - it's yours, too.  You should not have entered into a relationship so quickly and you should not be in one now, either.  You didn't really come to a healthy resolution about the sinking ship that was your marriage and your DH's drug abuse, and immediately went out and jumped right on another ship - which is also sinking now. 

What's the common denominator? Could it be that you have judgment problems?  Be honest ... your kids future depends on it.  If you can admit that you don't, then you shouldn't be in a relationship now.  

P.S. Keep in mind that STalk is primarily for issues that stepparents are having with stepkids so that is typically the perspective most of us have. We try to look at it from the stepparent's view. In your case, you are a bio mom who is primarily seeking advice about problems YOU are having with the "stepparent."

flmomma08's picture

I understand. I was a SM for 10 years and really appreciated the advice and suggestions I got here, which is why I am still coming back. I think it helpful to hear from people on both sides. 

To clarify, my BF is no longer in the military. He has been retired for over 10 years but he does have military background. Still, I understand why he wouldn't want to come to the visits either way - I can't imagine I'd want to go to visits with his kid and her mom either. I just thought I was doing the right thing by at least asking if he wanted to come so he didn't feel like he was being purposely excluded. 

We had a rough start to our relationship due to very different parenting styles and yes we probably did move too fast. But what's done is done. If I could go back, I would take things slower with him. But I still feel like I have always put my kids first. I have my kids 100% of the time on my own with no physical or financial help from anyone. They have everything they want and need. And even after everything ex DH did to us, I still do everything I can to support them having a relationship with their father. 

If my kids didn't love BF so much, it would be so much easier. I hate the thought of putting them through another breakup.

Thank you so much for taking time to reply!

2Tired4Drama's picture

No, it isn't.  Again, where is your judgment?  You have a relationship that is not working and yet you want to keep plugging away at it. You said your daughter gets upset at your BF when he disciplines her, and you don't like his parenting style, but now you say that the kids love him so much you can't break up with him. You don't want to end a relationship you have nothing but complaints about.  I still don't get it. 

If your BF has been retired for more than 10 years then he is probably in his early 50s. I don't know your age but if you have a two year old I'd say you were quite younger than him.  Maybe that's a bigger problem than you realize. 

 

flmomma08's picture

The post about the discipline issues was from a year ago when we first started dating. A lot has changed since then, as it would in any relationship over the course of a year. My kids do love him and have gotten very attached to him. BF is a year older than me - we are both in our late 30s. He was medically retired and works in a completely different field now.  He also has his own teenage child. Thanks for the concern.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Obfuscation is a defense mechanism for those who can't own up to their actions and you are well oiled at it, I'll give you that. 

 I am afraid you are either unable or unwilling to admit to your role in this mess. 

Sadly, no amount of advice from numerous people will have any impact on you.

seriouslyfreda's picture

I agree. There are solutions however she must admit to the role she played in this mess. One was having kids with the wrong guy, an unstable drug addict. She is not only risking her kids becoming addicts themselves but also her kids not having a good, stable, father around. Two was getting with her current bf too quickly. Three is her being there for supervised ex visits instead of having her mother be there instead. There is really no reason for both of them to be there. You create your own messes then complain when someone has legit issues with it.

flmomma08's picture

1. We were together for 10 years before he became an "unstable drug addict." He was in an accident and got hooked on his pain pills. Hope it never happen to your family member. 

2. It is NOT my mother's responsibility to supervise my ex husand's visits with our kids. I have asked his family members for help since this is his issue, but they have refused to help. My mother was willing to let us meet there but no way in hell am I asking her to handle it. She's 70 years old.

 

seriouslyfreda's picture

Since your mother won't supervise by herself why don't you meet at a neutral location instead of her place such as a park, kids indoor play area, mall, trampoline gym, etc.? I think because you and your ex hang out at your mother's house it makes it too personal, as if you are still playing family with your ex. Just my take. I am trying to help. 

flmomma08's picture

I would be fine with doing the visits somewhere else. I'll run it by bf and see if that would make him more comfortable. My moms house was just easier for everyone and I really didn't even know bf has an issue with it until very recently. Thanks for the suggestion!

flmomma08's picture

I know. I don't think he's going to be happy with any visit location, honestly. He wanted me to drop the kids off at ex's mom or sister's house which I wasn't against, but they were not willing to help with the visits. 

seriouslyfreda's picture

This is complicated. There answer is not so black and white which is why making these situations work is very difficult. Put yourself in your boyfriends shoes. How would you feel if he spent every weekend with his ex? What if they shared children together? They had a bond that you two do not have and to add to it every weekend is spent with the ex. Some jealousy and irritation is understandable. That would be very annoying. Why does your ex not take his kids on the weekends? (Sorry if I didn't read this part) On the flip side I will never understand people who get involved with people with kids. I did it once and will never do it again unless that person is widowed or their ex is happily remarried and their kids are grown. It was way too much drama. On your end if you are unhappy in your relationship and have been for a long time then it is likely time to move on. Things won't change. I think you moved too fast with this guy btw. 

flmomma08's picture

I'm sure I wouldn't like being in his shoes either. My ex has supervised visits with the kids which is why we meet at my mom's house for 3 hours on the weekend. My ex was in jail for a year and things were going pretty smoothly and then as soon as he got out and wanted to start spending time with the kids again, we have been having issues. I have asked bf for ideas on how to approach the visitation but he has no ideas. I get that it's uncomfortable and annoying but also don't know what I am supposed to do about it either.

seriouslyfreda's picture

How about your bf joins you during your exes supervised visits if he is not working? Or you could do it where you do not have to be there during your exes supervised visits. If your mother, or another family member, is there there is no reason for you to be there. Or you could do it at a location other than your mother's house such as a park or indoor play area and have your mother or another family member be there instead of yourself? There are solutions. I can understand why this makes your bf uncomfortable. I wouldn't like it either. 

flmomma08's picture

I have asked him numerous times if he wants to come and he declined each time. I asked ex's mother and sister to help with the visits, they both refused. 

Mamabearof3's picture

You offered him to come with. That's all you can do. Until your ex is able to take the kids for full weekends anyways. It's your boyfriends problem. Not yours. Tell him to keep it to himself if he keeps complaining. You offered a solution. You showed enough care time for him to stop. 

flmomma08's picture

Thank you. I don't see what else I can do either. It's not like I'm going out for drinks with him. I'm going to my mom's house and he's playing outside with the kids. BF has been invited multiple times and has declined to come. He spends time with his ex at their daughter's sports events and I don't say a word because it is expected in my eyes. 

Harry's picture

No man wants a threesome relationship with the ex.  You can't see the forests because of the trees.

Your BF doesn't pay CS, he doesn't care if his kids, have a good place to live, eat, have clothes,medical care. Ect. He just wants to play.  But only if you bring the kids .

Why can't he get a Uber, pay a college kid $60 a Saturday to go with them. Pick the kids up, do whatever,  and bring them back ?  It's going to be too hard for him. ? There an answer for you, not have BF tag along to be part of the dysfunction 
 

What ever problem you have with your BF.  You must remember most men don't want there SO ,ex controlling there life any more then they do now.

What the next step in this BF drama,  bringing the kids to your mothers for Christmas, and you all have dinner together?  Birthdays, holidays,  Makeing BF part of your relationship?

You must decide if you want a new relationship, or not. If you do, then you must cut out this sh*t.  
 

Someone was venting last week that there SO was going to dinner with there DD and his ex.  And most people said, OP was right this was not right.   You are doing the same, but coloring it different 

flmomma08's picture

He can't pick the kids up because he is not allowed to. He has supervised visits. Would you let your 6 and 2 year old be picked up by an Uber with your ex who was just released from prison for drug charges? 

I really don't know how what my ex pays is relevant to my bf. I own my home and pay 100% of my kid's expenses. Bf is NOT supporting me or my children in any way. 

how2step's picture

No one wants a girlfriend's ex around, lingering and controlling their life. It is not your bf's problem that your ex is a druggie and can't be alone with his kids. Stop making it his problem. I suggest you quit hanging out at your mother's house with your kids and ex husband as it is very inappropriate. Meet your ex at a public location where there are other people around and then go do your thing. He can spend time with his kids in public. There is no reason you need to be hanging out with your ex, especially at your mother's house. Someone suggested meeting at a park or trampoline gym. This is an excellent idea. Your ex can foot the bill since he barely pays child support. You need to cut the playing happy family sh%t out with your ex and set some boundaries. No decent man will want this in his life.

flmomma08's picture

I get that. I'm not making it his problem at all. We aren't hanging out - I am inside with my mom and he is outside with the kids. I don't mind meeting somewhere else but bf isn't happy with that idea either. He just wants me to have no contact with my ex which is completely unreasonable given that the kids are only 6 and 2 and ex having supervised visits. And definitely not playing happy family... he abandoned me and my child while I was pregnant with our second child. There is no happy family there. Just supporting my kids having a relationship with their father.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Sorry, even as an SP, I think your BF needs to cool his jets.

DH spends 3-4 hours every other week just driving YSK to ET's house for visitation. Does it suck? Sure, but it's part of steplife.

Does it suck that you have to spend 3 hours each week babysitting your XH around your kids? Sure. But your kids could also be spending those 3 hours at sports, or on playdates, or any other kid-centered thing. Like...I'm just boggled at how he's getting upset.

I don't think this has anything to do with your XH and everything to do with insecurity your BF feels. He has issues in other situations, and this has only become a problem because he is now free on a Saturday and you aren't.

Now, if he wants to be able to make plans with you and he can't because of this schedule, I could totally see why he would be upset. But given that there is no other solution to this, his option is to leave. Not argue with you over something you're COed to do and actually does benefit your kids.

It's a crappy situation. No one can argue that. But this is one of those times where your responsibility and the needs of your kids trump the wants of your BF. If he's bored, he can get a hobby or come with you. But he doesn't sound interested in compromises or solutions, just beating you down.

Throw this one back. Even if he is purely innocent in his requests, he's not cut out for steplife.

2Tired4Drama's picture

I do agree with you that the BF is not cut out for THIS situation and the relationship should end. 

But there is no CO for every Saturday visitation. Go back and read Flmomma's previous posts. You will see that this is a schedule she came up with; not one that is court ordered and set in stone for every Saturday afternoon.  She hasn't confirmed if she is getting any kind of family counseling for herself, for her kids and how to maintain a healthy connection with their father who has significant drug and incarceration issues which need to be navigated. What would the counselor say?  This is an environment which definitely needs a professional to weigh in on, regularly.  

I also don't understand why a court would order the ex spouse to be the "babysitter" for the other parent's visitation time. If that's something that is required, most courts have third-parties or volunteers who can do that.  Especially in a case like this. There is no reason in the world that an ex spouse has to do this every week. None. It makes no sense. 

While I agree there are situations where stepparents are not interested in obvious compromises and that is a problem, I don't necessarily see it that way in this case.  We are only hearing FLmomma's position as a BM.  We all know that being in a bioparent position is vastly different than being in a stepparent position - that's why we have this site!

I am sure if her BF (in the actual stepparent role) were to post here he'd have a very different perspective. That's the position I, and others above, are looking at.  What would be his side of the story as a stepparent?  Are there other facts that are not being presented which may have bearing on his attitude? I'd say there probably are. 

There may be other serious issues which the BF is concerned about, especially considering the father's history.  Not a lot of men would be comfortable with their SO spending time with an ex every Saturday, and even less would if he had a history with heroin and fentanyl. 

I also don't think she is doing her BF any favors by throwing the ball into HIS court to see what kind of "solutions" he has for her kids father to have his visitation. That's not OK for her to ask him that nor for him to decide. How in the world would anyone be able to answer that?  No matter what you say you will be the scapegoat.  And sadly, I'm afraid that is what the BF is in this situation.

I think he is the scapegoat for all the other problems in this family which haven't been addressed.  That is something that many, many, many stepparents on this site are all too familiar with. 

 

seriouslyfreda's picture

I agree that the bf is the scapegoat for all of the issues (the exes drug problem, the ex not being allowed to see his kids alone, the ex not paying enough child support, the girlfriends lack of boundaries with her ex and her inability to handle the situation in a healthy way). So many step parents become the scapegoat for the problems these ready made families already have such as financial problems, issues with the ex, the kids behaviors, etc. This needs to stop. It is also extremely odd that the court has not appointed someone to be the third party during the exes visits. Why is this?

flmomma08's picture

To answer the questions about why I am the one supervising visits, we do not have a visitation center here for these kind of visits. It is only for domestic violence situations. Now I have asked every member of his family to help out with the visits and no one was willing to help out. I was okay with dropping the kids of at his mother's or sister's house, but they don't want that. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

I  have never heard of a judge ordering supervised child visitation for a parent with substance abuse without having programs, people or facilities in place to accomplish that. Supervised visitation takes place for numerous reasons and it is NOT solely restricted to domestic violence.  

Every judge in every state has a list of providers for supervised child visitation and in fact, it is often required by law. (For example, as per Subsection 753.02(d), Florida Statutes)

You still haven't answered whether you and your children are getting counseling, so I am surprised that you keep going back to your boyfriend/stepparent to point out how HE is the problem. 

 

 

Ispofacto's picture

False.

Our area also does not have enough supervisors.  And the supervisors they do have are hella expensive.  And if the NCP can't pay, that means the CP has to.  Because, by law, the NCP is allowed to see his kids, and the CP has to facilitate that.  We went through this with Satan.

flmomma, don't bother arguing with these people.  I think it's great as a BM you are facilitating your kids' relationship with their dad.  And it's not taking time out of your schedule, because you visit your mom anyway, and your BF is welcome to join.  And it's nice you are letting exH have a bit of privacy with the kids by supervising in separate areas.  There's no reason for you to sit alone in a park for three hours every week because of your BF's ridiculous insecurities.

Whenever someone uses unfounded insercurities to control you, that's a huge red flag.  It's abuse.  And when they aren't willing to compromise or suggest a solution, that's gaslighting.  Full stop.

Jealousy is toxic, and our society is far too comfortable with it.  As evidenced by the stupid responses here.

 

 

 

flmomma08's picture

Thank you so much. 

 

Bf has seen the court order so he knows exactly what it says. He was also sitting here with me when we called the supervision center and were told it is only used for DV situations. He is well aware of everything I have tried. 

stepmomnorth's picture

You've already done all you can do. This is the most logical set up, given the circumstances. I'd just keep the visitation as is. It's the simplest and makes the most sense. When it comes to BF, I'd just be of the opinion it is what it is, you can't change the arrangement. Too bad, so sad. I think he'll have to come to terms with it. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Flmomma, I think you are at the stage where you should be reporting the judge and your local jurisdiction to the Florida Supreme Court because they are obviously violating Florida law for supervised child visitation. 

A judge ordered supervised visiitation knowing there are no services in your area?  Someone within the system is saying it's ONLY for domestic violence?  They should be reported. 

What county are you in?  I would love to know so I can take this up with the judiciary and find out some answers to help you and your children. 

According to the Florida law supervised child visitation can be ordered due to a parent who:

Abused the child physically, emotionally, or sexually;

Abused the other parent physically, emotionally, or sexually;

An addiction or substance abuse problem;

A mental illness that could endanger the child’s safety;

Neglected the child in the past;

Been absent from the child’s life for a significant amount of time; or

Created potentially dangerous situations that endangered the child.

I am deeply concerned that there may be children in your county who are being endangered, including your own. Based on what you've said you have been told, supervision programs are only for domestic violence cases. That means that children who have been victims of sexual abuse and other dangerous situations (like drug abuse, criminal felon contact, seriously mentally ill, etc.) are not being supervised. Please let me know what County and that is all I need. 

crystaloo's picture

This is completely one sided. You state that jealousy is toxic. Have you ever been jealous of anyone or anything? If you say no you are not being honest with yourself nor us. Jealousy is a healthy human emotion when you care about someone or something. It is the way that jeaousy is expressed that can BECOME toxic. When someone becomes controlling and posessive it becomes toxic. I believe the poster's situation is more complicated than such a black and white response from either side. The poster nor the bf should be judged as being completely correct in this situation. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

But that doesn't mean it's the same everywhere. Every state has its own laws and resources.  So it's not "stupid" to identify what the laws are in the applicable state.  And in this case it's not Illinois. 

Crr18's picture

If this is court ordered then the courts should have a third person present not bio mom. I know I don't want my SO ex in the picture and all they do is communicate about the kids but it is everyday and I can't seem to bring myself to understand why . The kids are teens with their own phones. I can't help if they have a communication problem with their dad. My SO should fix it and quit being a pu--y.I know as a SP I get tired of hearing it is for the kids. And not that our SOs would go back to toxic exs maybe your BF thinks that you would. You know you might want that happy family that you thought you would  have in the first place that now has created so much dysfunction.maybe your BF isn't controlling and just loves you and thinks he may lose you.IMO

floralsm's picture

How much do you love your SO? Is it a serious relationship where you want to move forward and have a life together of compromise and commitment? I only ask that because now you are in a relationship and he's obviously not coping well with your CO, can you change it? Maybe instead of every week, change it to every fortnight? If it's not as frequent maybe he won't have his back up? With sole custody, is changing a CO something you can do? I have to admit, I would hate having to plan my weekends with my partner with a chunk out of the morning or afternoon dedicated to visitation of a ex convicted/druggy BM. I would completely understand why it has to happen but yeah it would take a toll eventually. 

Harry's picture

Person to supervise his visitation. Some one like a Nures, social worker  ect. They can meet at a park, McDonald's,

But this will cost your ex money and have to actually do something, to make this work.  What ever is going on with your BF. Staying or leaving.  This will still be a problem with new BF. 

Rags's picture

In SpermLand visitation and CS are not related and even an NCP who does not live up to their legal CS obligation cannot be denied visitation.

In a situation where the NCP cannot have visitation without an authorized supervisor it would make sense, at least logically, that if the NCP refuses to pay the related costs of that supervisor then it is not the CP denying visitaiton. It is the NCP refusing visitation via not paying the related supervisory costs.

I do not see how a CP could be held liable for that cost on behalf of the NCP nor be held legally responsible for denying visitation.  Again, in this situation visitation is not denied, it is refused.  Two very different things.

If I were the CP this type of situation, this is a hill I would not only die on, this is something I would continue to appeal to the highest possible legal authority.  Screw em all. I would pay countless thousands on legal fees before I would pay one cent for a dead beat NCP's visitation supervisor costs.

We  could stand to have a unified Act that aligned all states on this kind of crap.  Though... in our case having the option of changing venue to our/SS's state of residence away from the People's Republic of SpermLand courts was a huge stick to hold over the oppositions head. CS would have gone up by over 1000% with one form filed by our attorney. We never did it because visitation would have doubled and no amount of money would be enough to serve a kid up for double exposure to those manipulative toxic morons.

Sadly this is another situation that offers proof that our family court system is populated by dipshits.

smh

2Tired4Drama's picture

I suggested it further up the comment stream. Flmomma MUST report this judge and have them investigated.  That won't cost a single penny. 

This is about MUCH more than a boyfriend/stepparent who is upset about visitation.  It is about a judge and supervision system which is in error and possible violation of law. (Of particular concern is that she was told only children of domestic violence must be supervised (her BF listened and witnessed this) and a judge knowlingly ordered supervision without any organizations or individuals available locally to provide such supervision, as Flmomma has stated. Thus, she is now in an untenable position where SHE is doing the supervision of the other parent.) 

 It is IMPERATIVE that FLmommo contact the agency below and report this. It must be done if she wants to prevent children from being harmed by dangerous supervision situations. 

"The Judicial Qualifications Commission is an independent agency created by the Florida Constitution solely to investigate alleged misconduct by Florida state judges.  ... The JQC can be reached via the Contact Information on its website or at at:

Judicial Qualifications Commission
Post Office Box 14106
Tallahassee, FL 32317
Phone (850) 488-158

FLmomma, PLEASE contact the JQC and report back to us.  

Rags's picture

Your knowledge on this is priceless.  It certainly trumps my opinion.

Thank you for sharing.  Most States more likely than not have a similar commission.  We never had need for a visitation supervisor though we did take exception to the SpermIdiot not seeing SS while on visitation.  The entire visitation was spent with  SpermGrandHag.  We pointed out to the court that there was no visitation with BioDad.  It was made clear that he could do what he wished with his time and we had no choice but to surrender the Skid for visitation.  That went  over like a fart in Church with me.  
 

There was nothing I could do about it but that Judge would cross the street when we would approach each other on the sidewalks down town in my DW's home town when we would visit.  Her favorite coffee/foodie lunch place is right by the Courthouse.  If we were there , he would leave.  I would never threaten or assault anyone but when he was notified that I had taken out a full page add in the local paper highlighting his idiot decisions regarding my skid he avoided us like the plague.  The add never ran.  Unfortunately.

Thanks again for sharing.

 

stepmomnorth's picture

This is all a very valid point. At the end of the day, us step parents we can help with the step related and emotional side of the issue you are facing but we can't really comment on the legalities. In your state perhaps there is something different to be done, worth looking into for sure, to verify. Im sure you're not exactly thrilled about the idea of supervising your ex due to the circumstances.. So if something could be different it's certainly worth exploring any avenues.