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To tell kids or not to tell kids?

overworkedmom's picture

Since BM has magically popped back up and decided she was going to be a part of her son's life again, drama has been flying. For those who don't know or remember BM has been in and out of jail, halfway houses, drugged up and now knocked up. She had not seen or even spoken to FSS6 in the last 6 months until last week. She has also given up all custody (physical, legal and medical.) So here is what happened:

BM and her mother picked up FSS on sunday and kept him for about 5 hours. At which point they bring him home soaking wet in 65 degree raining weather from playing at the beach (in the freezing water). He had been sick and still had a nasty cold. FDH and I were pissed. She was supposed to tell him where she had been (drugging and in jail) for the last 6 months and why she never even called. She instead told him she had been in the hospital b/c her back was hurt. During this visit she promised FSS6 she would go watch him at Jui Jitsu practice on WED. Guess who called to say she couldn't make it Wed afternoon.

She called FSS on Tues and said that he could come over to his G-ma's house and they could have a sleep over on Friday. She did not ask FDH. She just told FSS this. NO WAY IN HELL is he spending the night over there. Not going to happen. So now FSS thinks we are the bad guys.

Last night I overheard FDH telling FSS that his mommy made the choice to break up their family. FDH has also said he is sick of her shit and is about to tell FSS everything and about what a piece of shit his mom is. I am a little unsure about this. FSS is going to figure it out, and soon. But right now he is 6. He is safe and secure, he knows that he has a "real mom" (his words) at home. He knows that FDH and I love him. Does he really need it spelled out yet that his mom is a POS? Sure he thinks she is great, but every kid thinks their mom is great. I just don't know...

Comments

overworkedmom's picture

It was a supervised visitation with the grandma there. The grandma sees him about once a month and we have never really had a problem with her. We thought it would be ok. Obviously we were wrong this time and the mistake won't happen twice...

overworkedmom's picture

I see how it is more a self service to FDH to tell him but I don't think it is PAS. Why should she get a free pass and get to swoop in every 6 months for a couple of weeks to play "fun mom"? She should have to own up to her choices especially to her son. She alienated her own damn self doing drugs and being a selfish whore...

The thing is, I really don't think this is going to be an issue but for another month or 2... she is already starting to bail on him. I am leaning toward just letting her slither away and let FSS think what he wants. Every child needs to believe in fairy tales - like BM is a good person.

stormabruin's picture

We all discover, at some point, that fairytales are only tales. He will figure it out.

She should not get a free pass. However, your SS shouldn't be burdened with BM issues for the sake of not allowing that free pass.

Let her bail. The more he recognizes on his own, the better he'll be able to cope with it in the future.

NCMilGal's picture

I actually told SD16 last night that BM needs to grow up and get her f-ing priorities straight.

This came because BM is trying to pawn off scheduling and conducting (and paying for) some major dental work for SD16 onto DH during his 6-week visitation this summer - but oh hell yes, she'll make an appointment and pay for SD16's dye job roots to be covered! So appearance is everything, screw health issues.

Then again, SD16 is *16*, not 6. And she is unhappy with BM and has been for a couple years now. Meh, the longer SD16 is unhappy with BM, the less likely it is that she'll turn into BM, I hope.

stormabruin's picture

You're feeling unsure because it's wrong. This child needs to be allowed to come to his own resolve as far as his thoughts & opinions regarding his mother.

Every child should be given the opportunity to love both parents. Your DH needs to not hinder that opportunity with his opinions. If one parent fails to be present, the child will recognize it, but in order to be able to cope with it in a healthy way, the child needs to recognize it on his own. Let the natural process of realization work. Otherwise this boy will be grown & will struggle to know the difference between facts & his dad's opinions.

Your DH is in a difficult place. My DH is also in a similar place, as far as BM being the one to leave their family & being a shitty mother. It's been really hard to maintain composure when topics come up. It's been REALLY hard. However, at 6 this child is already dealing with an absent mother. He'll likely develop feelings of failure or not being good enough for BM as he gets older. He may feel guilty for letting her down & not being "worth it" for her to stick around.

I understand that your DH wants to explain things, but at 6 years old, this child should not be the target for your DH's need to "out" BM. He needs to let SS love his mother as much as she allows him to. The time will come when he'll recognize who was there for him & who was not. When that time comes he will struggle to understand. Let him enjoy his childhood. Let him continue to feel love & loved. Let him feel happy as long as he able. A free & happy childhood is something you can't go back later & get.

overworkedmom's picture

Thanks everyone. I am going to assert my opinion that he should just let SS figure it out on his own. She has no rights to him and if we put up a couple of road blocks she will bail even faster than normal. Then life will be back to normal...

knucklehead's picture

It sounds like BM is a whole mess of problems. Your SS is VERY young still, and neither you nor SO should be PAS'ing the kid against his POS mom. Dad shouldn't be telling the kid that Mommy broke up the family. He shouldn't be expecting/forcing BM to tell a six year old that mommy was doing drugs and in jail.
A kid that young just doesn't need to deal with that stuff.

I wouldn't let BM take the kid unsupervised, though. Yikes. Does she do any drug testing? Do you know if she's clean?

overworkedmom's picture

I agree with the blaming mom thing. It really was her choosing to cheat, stay out all night, and get hooked on whatever she could that broke them up years ago but I didn't think that FSS really needed to hear that. Although I kind of think that FSS should know that she is sick with addiction problems.

We think she is clean right now, she is about 6 months preg. and for the baby's sake we hope she has stopped, but she was arrested 2 months ago on possession charges so who knows?!?! It will have to be one of us on visits for now on...