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Are the BMs a part of your life?

hornet64's picture

My DH and I have this discussion/fight all the time. I say that I get fed up sometimes with the BMs being a part of my life (he has 4 kids by 3 women, so I deal with 3 BMs). He swears up and down that theses women are NOT a part of our life... HUH?

How are they not when they call/text all the time? Constantly wanting to change plans or ask him questions or wanting to know where their cs is? They call/text when he and I try to go on vacation or try to have some quiet private time after 8pm at night. They get the first $2500 out of his paycheck every month... we pay cs, medical insurance, medical bills, cell phone bills, car insurance and cars (for those kids who drive) and they pay NOTHING!

So once again... how are they NOT a part of our lives? This confuses me greatly and is a point of contention between me and DH...

Thoughts? Anyone? Am I wrong?

Craving Normality's picture

And I hate when they call about anything, usually to try and pick a fight.

dragonfly5's picture

3 BM's? One is enough for me, I can't even imagine. I am sending you a big hug right now.

Yes, even though I have only spoken 4 words to Crazo in 4 1/2 years, she is a part of my life, because she invades my space and time with my Hubby with her crazy texting. She try's to call him but he will not communicate with her, except by text.

This does cut down on some of the drama, but if she is breathing there will be drama.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

He should be kissing the ground that you walk on. Many women would not date him for the mama drama reason alone.

sterlingsilver's picture

Child support is supposed to cover half of the expenses of the child. Your dh should not have to pay for extras. My xh doesn't pay cs on a regular basis and he doesn't pay medical or for cars or car insurance, I pay for all that, even though he is months behind in cs. When I call or text him or email he never answers unless it directly involves the kids for issues right now, like when are you picking bs15 up? He is not involved in my boys lives at all, except when he wants to be. Your DH needs to read the child support order you have and go over all the court papers to make sure he isn't being had. You have to survive and live also on something.

hornet64's picture

Oh, he got had alright... The second two women pulled the whole, "You don't need a condom because I can't get pregnant" bit on him. And he fell for it... twice. I guess that's what happens when you are the son of a millionaire and you are oblivious to the fact that these women might, just might, be after the money and dont' actually love you. Joke's on them though... his dad and he only got $50k. All of the other money went to his other two brothers... whoops!

As far as the CS and the extras... he has gotten substantial raises and bonuses since all this CS was decided so he knows that if he makes a stink, all 3 of them will just take him back to court and all 3 of them will win. Just recently, we have stopped paying the car insurance... we just removed the kids from our policies and left it up to the BM. We are stuck with the car payments though until we can sell the cars. He said that he has always agreed to pay the medical insurance and half of all outstanding medical bills... I don't think that is right or fair because he's already paying for the insurance. A 70/30 split or something like that would be more fair and balanced.

SMof2Girls's picture

CS is supposed to cover your pro-rated share of expenses based on each parent's income. At least that's how most states calculate it.

hornet64's picture

You are right... but when BM 2 and 3 don't work on purpose so that they can get more CS... well, that is just wrong. They were just as much involved in the conception of these kids and they should have to work to support the kids too. Not sit in their bikinis at the pool everyday, not work, then say that they are broke so that the court will award them more. This is a MAJOR family law/custody/child support issue that needs to be addressed by our legal system. The moms are not being held accountable for their part in the making of the children. The court ALLOWS these women to not work and then awards them more money for it.

SMof2Girls's picture

I absolutely agree with you. The system is broken and needs loads of reform.

But even if they had jobs, they wouldn't necessarily be held to 50% of all costs. There's too much grey area .. the simple "cost of the kid" varies depending on the lifestyle the family.

hornet64's picture

Very true... and I have no problem with the concept of CS and the fact that my DH has to pay it. I just have a problem with BM's who don't take responsibility for the kids that they chose to have and then the guy has to pay for all of it. I even don't mind paying more for the kid than they do, but take for instance BM3... Doesn't work, takes money from her mom, all her kids' dads (she has 3 kids of her own), complains about being broke, then dates everyone in town... different guy every month. Gets these guys to take her to Miami Beach, Las Vegas (twice), Brazil, Greece, cruises... they take her to wineries on the weekend, buy her new cars, etc. It's just crap, I say!

She chose that lifestyle and my DH shouldn't have to give up MORE of his salary just because she chooses to live her life that way.

SMof2Girls's picture

The best way to reduce child support in my state is to get more time with the kids. Sounds like the mom isn't the best role model as it is .. is this a possibility for your DH?

hornet64's picture

Not really... My DH and her have almost never followed the custody agreement either. SD8 is supposed to be with us like 3 nights a week - almost an every other night kind of situation, but I think that all of the back-and-forth every other night is not good for the child either. We have moved to a neighborhing county anyway, so it has gotten a little more difficult... Besides, my DH travels a lot for his job so, unfortunately, there isn't much we can do. This BM would rather have the child all week while she is in school and goes to bed at 8pm and then dump her on us for the whole weekend (which is exactly what happens). We used to split the weekend, but not anymore... the BM wants her freedom to travel and party on the weekend and since my DH travels during the week, we are stuck with this situation... at least for now. We spoke to an atty a couple of years ago and the atty said that we weren't paying the BM enough anyway due to her lack of income, my DH's income/bonuses/raises, anyway... so we just haven't rocked that boat. He said that we should be paying about 200-300 more a month with my DH's current salary.

QueenBeau's picture

1 BM. Not a part of our life. He sees her at pick up/drop off location. I do too if I ride along, sometimes I choose not to. She calls for modifications in schedule if needed and vise versa. He cuts her off when she calls to talk about her self/situation. I don't answer her calls anymore. When she does something crazy or aggrivates DH we have a rule that we can't talk about her, good or bad, for more than 15 minutes a day.

It's worked for us and kept stress down. It's basically like she doesn't exist. Lol

hornet64's picture


I like your approach. In fact, I suggested to my husband the day after we had WWIII this week that if they were not truly a part of our lives then they should not be a part of our conversations either. Sometimes he can't wait to tell me what one of them has said or done, whether it has to do with the kids or not! He will call me to tell me things like BM #3 was at home when he picked up SD8 and her new boyfriend was there and he's this or he's that or even things like... guess what BM #3 wrecked her car again. Just random stuff sometimes that, again, have nothing to do with the kids.

So I told him that I would make him a deal... I wouldn't bring them up or talk about them if he wouldn't. Do you know that he wouldn't even acknowledge my suggestion? He neither agreed nor disagreed with it. Almost like he didn't hear me. It's like HE can talk about them but I can't. AUGH!

QueenBeau's picture

Tell him find another person to vent to about them. You didn't make kids with them, you shouldn't have to hear it. If I ask DH about BM he can tell me, or if it's within our 15 mins & has to do with SD. But other than that, I don't care to know.

When we were dating he kept stuff between him & BM between them. He didn't bring me into it because he didn't want to scare me off. I comforted him when he was upset but didn't ask why. He's back to that now & I like it

SMof2Girls's picture

BM is a part of our life because we share custody with her. Decisions are made on custody changes, child support is paid (for now), and communication has to be made for major decisions (medical, educational, etc). So yes, she is part of our lives.

But she's not part of my personal life and/or relationship with DH. Our marriage is our own; she is not a factor. I don't communicate directly with her, and we only deal with her on issues related to the kids.

I think you may both be approaching this comment with a different perspective.

I don't know how you deal with 3 BM's .. 1 is MORE than enough for us!

misSTEP's picture

When BM finally pushed it enough, DH went to court to get parenting time outlined. He also had a "No Contact order" put in because of her harassment. We also changed the p/u d/o location to a third-neutral party location because of her verbal abuse towards us and harassment sometimes when we would pick up the skids. Also, because she took them out of state on a month long vacation (and out of school) and never notified DH that they were gone or that he wouldn't get his EOWe that, up until that time, they had agreed upon without a court order.

Those things right there were very strong boundaries to keep BM out of our lives as much as possible.

QueenBeau's picture

The no contact order seems AWESOME & moving the drop off to a 3rd party neutral location. We meet in basically a vacant lot that every once & awhile a few people are at. There's a mall about 10 mins away which I'd rather meet at. BM has been known to start arguments at the drop off/pick up but hasn't since we blocked her texts and stopped talking to her about ANYTHING that wasn't DIRECTLY related to SD & even then keeping it strictly to needs (ie we go through the school for report cards/info etc and ask her NOTHING). I think she is realizing we don't BS but if she has one more outburst we will be going back to court to get a better meeting place & to consider a no contact order if she acts up. Even though we have basically put a no contact order in place by ourselves lol

WTHDISUF's picture

THREE BM's!!!!?? Girl I hope you don't have any kids with DH! Too much...

How in the world are BM's NOT part of your lives?? AS long as those kids are there, BM's are there. And with 3, there's no time ever you'll get a reprieve because at least one will always need something or want to discuss something. Just the nature of parenting/stepparenting so he can't say they aren't part of your lives.

hornet64's picture

Oh, no... kids with DH? I may not have had enough sense to stay away from a guy with 3 exes, but I do have enough sense to not bring any more kids into this chaos! My career is my baby!

Its_My_Life_Too's picture

:jawdrop: One BM for me is enough!!! I hope these BM's are at least nice to you! My BM is horrible to me Sad I feel bad enough for you with 3, but if they are angry and bitter on top of it, oh gosh- I am so sorry!!!

BM's ARE a part of your life no matter what... it's the nature of the game.

hornet64's picture

I do not speak to the 3 witches and they do not speak to me. My DH won't let me talk to them. That's probably a good thing since they would not like what I would have to say. My DH is always afraid of making them mad and all 3 of them going back for more CS, so I have to stay quiet. It does allow me to stay somewhat disengaged, which can be a positive. The last time I spoke to one of them, she didn't like what I had to say and yelled at me at the kids' bus stop... so I don't talk anymore.

myspoonistoobig's picture

BM is a part of my life. Like taxes. And death.

I'm working as hard and as subtly as I can to try and improve our relationship with her, primarily because she'll always be there.

Like death and taxes.

christinen's picture

3 BMs! My God, how do you deal?! I only have to deal with 1 and it drives me insane! Anyway, to answer your question, no the BM is not a part of our life at all. The only time DH ever talks to her is regarding the exchange of skid (they have 50/50 week on, week off). I rarely see her and never talk to her. Last time I saw her was Christmas when I rode with DH to drop skid off and I didn't even speak to her. Next time I see her will probably be next Christmas. I don't attend any of the skid exchanges, except like I said on Christmas because DH and I obviously spend that day together and have things to do after the exchange.

I had a lot of issues with BM boundaries when DH and I first got together so I had to lay down the law in that area. BM is not to call or text my DH unless it directly related to skid. There really is no place in our lives for an ex. Don't see the reason for that at all.

hornet64's picture

Unfortunately... my BMs DO call and text sometimes when it has nothing to do with the skids. And they call late at night when it's not an emergency. My DH has finally admitted that he didn't really set boundaries with all of them after the divorces so it has really made it hard now that I'm in his life. The BMs just can't understand why he doesn't want them to call/text after 8 or 9pm at night. Really makes it hard to want to get intimate with my DH at night when that phone could ring once, twice, even 3 times after 8. I remember one time when we were getting intimate that he got a text... he actually rolled over and answered it... then told me it was his phone alarm that he had forgotten to turn off. Oh please!

And then when I tell him to set boundaries with them... he says that they don't care about boundaries because they can all just take him back to court for money if he doesn't give them what they want... attention.