SO screamed at me and bashed his fist on his computer, wow, never had that before....
I tried to post this a few days ago, fellow ladies, just as an update , we are going to councelling soon....
What is it???I have never had that before but I recognise that I could be with someone who has the tendency to be emotional abusive!!
As usual it was about the kids. He screamed at my son (9) because he was being silly and bash a barbie against the door- fair enough-he got in trouble with me, too- but when I questioned him and also his friend completely independently from each other they both said SD bashed that barbie first- when I brought this up for consideration to SO he turned it all against me and claiming I wouldn't let him discipline my son, which is untrue since I told him off as well and would never say anything doubtful in front of the kids.He claimed the boys were lying (inspite of me asking them independently and hearing excactly the same story).This is not the point.But the problem is that SO lost his temper big time, shouted right into my face and bashed his computer!All (again ) in defense of his daughter and against me. I am confused- I am 43 and haven't had anything like that in any former relationships.
I feel sick to the bones. Another time (also about his daughter!!)he screamed at me and threatened he would leave .I feel as if I was punched in the face. he told me he wants councelling for us to sort out "the problems with the kids"- yes, a very good idea, I agree, but I struggle the most with being screamed at in such situations.Right now I am really experiencing anxiety and inspite of all assurances that he puts our rs first, I strongly feel that if it is about SD 8 he would throw everything away just in order to defend her (even though she was never even directly attacked).
I don't know how to deal with all that.
Mmmmm I'm not sure you should
Mmmmm I'm not sure you should stay with this guy. He's divorced for a reason. Consider talking to his ex wife "woman to woman" and see why they're no longer a couple.
You should now be seriously considering ending this relationship and if his wife says she was concerned about him being violent then you definitely should end it.
I know you said somewhere you
I know you said somewhere you were going to go to counseling, but should you get out of this situation now and wait for the counseling to start and actually make a difference before you consider staying in this relationship? Sounds a little dangerous to me.
Im so sorry your going thru
Im so sorry your going thru all this!!! My DH is ultra defensive about his kids as well he also yells & screams at me. We are working thru it. Its hard!!! I definitely sympathize with what your going thru tho & wanted to let you know you are not alone!!!! Perhaps he is treating you the way he treated his ex? Thats what my DH did. Its not right nor is it fair!!! We are Not them!!! My DH says he 'thought' thats how all couples acted. I had Never been in a relationship like this, where a spouse will scream at you & say awful nasty things over something rather trivial! Its hard to take!
My advice? Go to Counseling !! Find a therapist who specializes in Blended Families!! Thats a big thing- as some counselors dont quite get it & arent the best at giving an accurate portrayal of the step family dynamics! Ive had to learn to walk away when my DH gets heated & refuse to talk till he calms down & can talk nicely and calmly.
Best of luck!! & vent away here!!its been a great asset to me!
Thanks for the advice. I am
Thanks for the advice. I am not worried that SO would ever lay his hand on me but being screamed again over his kid is bad enough and kind of feels violent emotionally.
I actually wonder as well what his ex would say .. She left him for another guy and he looks so innocent and victimized in that scenario. But there must have been some issues- most ladies don't leave a marriage unless there are! He actually claims he was never an angry type , only now.... I suspect he wanted indirectly blame me for being like he is now, but I told him straight forward he can't blame others for this behavior!And he agreed - good try , SO!!I observed him lately a bit more and he screamed also at people on the phone, shouts at the kids ( mainly mine :() and even at the cat if poor kitty is in his way .... Many times he claims he was " only raising his voice"....not true. Those occasions I was relating to here he screamed at me full on into my face , and last but least it is always about his perfect princess .i can never say how I feel . He officially claims he puts the adult rs first , but this shouting about his kid proves him so wrong , especially if she isn't even told off or anything. Just saying anything is enough for such a reaction!!!!
My hope is that councelling can help- SMom3 , I agree we need someone experienced with blended families!No one else will understand ! Good to hear you are working through it with your husband!!
I am also leaving the room if he does it to me but it takes me days inspite of all his efforts and apologies to get halfway over it, I and up with stomach pain and anxiety problems , because I know that this is unacceptable for me.
I have been thru the same
I have been thru the same type of thing. It is so frustrating and so upsetting. My DH has mental issues and thinks he is above normal decency and thinks that he can behave like a damn cave man most of the time. He is destructive, throws tantrums, and does all of this to deflect the attention off of whatever topic is at hand at the moment. If it is something that makes him uncomfortable, something that makes him feel he is about to be controlled, something that makes him feel like he is fixing to be exposed for being in the wrong, he explodes. He does this, because once he tears something up, the attention is then focused on that, and not the original issue.
One of his big things is skid. He is a piss poor parent, Disneyland Dad all the way, and before I disengaged and still tried to help him see the error of his ways, it always led to him having one of his fits. He has stomped computers, punched computers, I have lost count of how many phones he has destroyed, televisions, the face plate of our kitchen oven, dishes, my personal belongings, knicknacs, etc., furniture. He took a gallon of paint once, held it over his head, and smashed it down on to the floor so hard it busted the bottom out of it and splattered it all over my bedroom. A bedroom that I had just got done repainting and putting new flooring in. It was like a giant paint bomb went off in there. Ruined my bedding, it was awful.
He of course, always puts a smile on his face for the skid, and then erupts when he is gone. I am sharing this with you just to let you know that there is someone else here that knows how it feels, and to warn you that once it starts, a lot of the time, once they realize you will stay, and they can get away with it, it starts happening more frequently and gets progressively worse in scale. Not always, but some of the time. If you can get him in counseling make sure to keep it up. I think it will help immensely. It is hard to get angry and lash out at a third party.
And for those of you that like to focus in on one issue that someone brings up, lash out at them, make them feel stupid, nitpick them about their life, don't bother. I am well aware of my problems and know that I should not tolerate it. My husband is on meds and has been told that if he has one more outburst it is over so I don't need to be told I should not be with him. I am just trying to help the OP with my experiences.
Thanks, fedup, this sounds
Thanks, fedup, this sounds like hard work with your hubby...certainly far worse than SO! I am glad he is on medication - hopefully no more phones destroyed from now on! But no excuse for SO either- so stupid how they feel that that behavior is ok just because they defend their spawn!
Yes, it was a major
Yes, it was a major undertaking to get him to go to the doctor. He has been on several different kinds, he will feel fine, flush them, say there is nothing wrong with him, be off for a while, then here we go again. He is finally on Seroquel, and it has worked wonders lately as far as his mental issues. No luck on the Disneyland Daddy crap. You can medicate these men when they have valid medical issues but you just can't fix stupid. There is no excuse for it. Your SO did what he did because you were making him have to think about and focus on the truth, which is what they DO NOT want to see about their precious little angels. To have to admit they are not perfect means to admit there are problems, and then, they would have to change their parenting.
Hahaha, fedup, agreed - there
Hahaha, fedup, agreed - there is no medication for silly behavior or rose tinted glasses, I wish they were!
ME TOO!!! I would have my DH
ME TOO!!! I would have my DH on a constant drip if there were.
I think a good counsellor
I think a good counsellor will clearly identify what's going on and offer real solutions to both of you.
Because SD was the worst offender on juvenile record the judge ordered counselling and evals on all of us.
At first DH was very much in denial and went as far as saying the counselling was just for me as a parent, (I successfully raised three bios) I winked at the counsellor and we kept that illusion up with DH until it came to him answering some general questions, yep, he got it finally! That lightbulb moment occurred and he took to his bed for a week, mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted! I let him be, he needed to process all of the information and resolve stuff in his own mind. Let me tell you it was not easy, I am not the sort who says 'told ya!' yet those words lingered on the tip of my tongue for a long time.