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My EX is constantly making my life hell!!!

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 2:59am

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Haven't posted here for a while, since I left step hell quite a while ago- this is NOT about that guy, but ex -hubby( ...Btw I am dating a lovely guy who has been my friend forever and he has a bunch of adult kids, but there were no issues at all so far...)Anyway I hope you don't mind posting about my EX husband, who is such a nightmare.I hope to find some people in the same boat, I feel so stressed and tense.
We are separated since 5 years and EX husband breaks arrangements all the time!!!! When I have plans or we want to go away I always look for arrangements for the children first before anything is booked.So I would normally approach ex husband and offer him every time a very fair exchange of days if needed.He always "wins "in terms of more free days/nights.In addition I tend to take the kids more anyway. What this arsehole does though is that he agrees to the exchange but then after we have booked or planned he will just say he doesn't want to do it anymore. I thought I became wiser by keeping everything in writing, but he says he doesn't care what he has agreed on before!! When I tell him he can't just do that he just says "The kids are no babies anymore" and leaves it like that.And I start worrying so much since my youngest is just 10 and I am never sure what exactly he means.For example our last arrangement was that I took the kids for 3 days and he was taking them for one of ours because we wanted to go away.So again, very nice and fair for him.So on Monday he tells me he will pick up the kids on Friday instead of the (in writing) arranged Thursday.I basically stood my ground and told him they have to come on Thusrday as arranged.But I have a horrible headache now and worry of course about the change because all I want is my kids to be safe and looked after.I can't imagine they will be not , but he certainly fulfilled his mission to destroy our weekend away!I feel completely helpless and extremely angry since he does it every single time.Please give me some advice how to cope.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 6:49pm

He does and I think he fails BIG time in asking her before he randomly agrees to trading!!! And I know that will not go well and think it is wrong of him.And he is in trouble of course.But this is not because I did do anything wrong- he needs to discuss with her first and then agree or disagree.

Dizzy's picture

Submitted by Dizzy on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 9:11am

This came up in our couples counseling in re: to BM. Our therapist said what keepitsimplestupid said: stop with the trades/favors. We have relaxed on this a teensy weensy bit,mad our issue wasn't with vacation plans, but with the one-offs--we would make plans to do something during our week and BM would agree to take SD and then reneg. We haven't had an issue as far as her ruining our vacation plans, but she did take advantage of us during an overseas trip to visit her family in her country of origin where she extended the trip for an entire week (after being gone two), leaving a heartbroken SD with us for an extra week, longing for her mommy. Sad

Dizzy's picture

Submitted by Dizzy on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 9:32am

What if they have given each other FROR? Regardless, he has the ability to decline so that the OP can seek other arrangements. Sounds like the OP's ex is just being a dick.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 6:52pm

That is what I mean, Dizzy.If he didn't wanted that trade he should have said no.But agreeing and then let us down is evil.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 6:51pm

Ladyface, I don't think you read my post:(( I talk about an agreement from both sides about an exchange of overtaking three of his days against one of mine.If he would not have been happy with it he could have said and I could have found another way.Two days before my trip is pure game playing and unfair on me.

AllySkoo's picture

Submitted by AllySkoo on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 11:26am

Yup, totally agree with others - in fact, I'd make your "backup" plan FIRST. "Hey Mom, we're going away this weekend! If BD doesn't take the kids, would you mind watching them? Thanks!" THEN talk to BD about trading days. And when he backs out, say fine and then call your "backup" person and let them know BD is unavailable.

I do have to ask though... how often are you getting away?!?! It sounds like this is frequent, and if so I'm slightly jealous!! Wink

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:02pm

Allyskoo, we had a few little trips away, but so does the ex. Mostly we do everything on our kids free weekends .What really upsets me is that ex now withholds the passport application for my boys so I can't book a holiday for all of us.what a f....k bastard.

Dizzy's picture

Submitted by Dizzy on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:15pm

Withholding passport apps? Can you seek the court's intervention to assist you with that.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 7:20pm

If he does not pass them on, I will seek legal advice.Ridiculous.But this is only since a few days.Since we had this drama yesterday I decided to wait until I ask for it again.Can't imagine he doesn't want the kids to go on a holiday.

Dizzy's picture

Submitted by Dizzy on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 8:14pm

Oh, you wouldn't believe what some of these high conflict "parents" will to to their own kids, deny their own kids, just to "get back at" the other parent. Disgusting.

Good luck, sweetie and enjoy your getaway!

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Tue, 04/15/2014 - 6:59pm

Thanks Allyskoo and everyone else for your wonderful advice!!!!!Yes, yes, yes, I get it now- no way I should rely on ex but have backup or another plan!!I wish though I would have a mum here, but I have no family who could help me.But I have a house mate , who is a lovely older lady, and agreed to help us out , since things escalated yesterday and he called me abusing me.I will pay her, she needs some extra $$$ but it is worth the effort.
I also deleted the arsehole from my phone and forwarded him my partners phone number for emergencies.He would not dare to abuse him since he has a lot of contacts to lawyers and would take no shot, really!
I cancelled all work this morning since I didn't sleep all night and have a massive headache.BUT- I stopped crying and realised that there is nothing I can do about him being such an arsehole.Thank you , step talk sisters for your advice , even though it is not step related.