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Is this considered 'appropriate' disengaging?

Thiskidwilldrivemecrazy's picture

Submitted by Thiskidwilldriv... on Tue, 05/15/2012 - 9:55am

My boyfriend finally says he understands the disengaging I've discussed with him regarding his son, 12 yrs. I still don't think he really does because he stood in the kitchen this morning as I was getting ready to leave for work (he doesn't go in until tonight) and asked me if I would make his son a sandwich. (What? you're already up and you're you're right there!) I said, "no, you need to be responsible for him". That irritated him. Then he calls me at work this morning and asked if I wanted him to make some spaghetti for his son to have for dinner tonight. I told hiim he should make him whatever he wanted. I then said, "if I make him dinner and he complains about it and doesn't want to eat it then I will be frustrated. If you make his dinner then you can decide whether you care if he eats it or doesn't. Better yet, why don't you just eat dinner with him before you go to work?"

The problem we've had frequently in the past is that boyfriend will tell his son he needs to eat his dinner regardless of whether he likes it. So, when I try to enforce that rule when his dad is working night shift, I end up getting the attitude from SS12.

I feel like letting his dad fix the dinner beforehand is a good solution towards my disengaging...is that correct disengaging or am I taking it too far? (I'm still waiting for the library to get in copies of several of the books suggested on this forum.)

Comments

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Tue, 05/15/2012 - 10:07am

I agree. If dad thinks that his son should eat the food no matter what. And his son is being difficult when YOU cook the food, then sorry, HE needs to cook for him and HE needs to ensure that it is eaten. I would not even tell him to eat. I would let your DH handle it 100%. He should talk to his son, who at 12, should know and tell him the rules...without you being put in the middle of this.

PS - I had idiot BM once call DH and state that "I MADE HER DAUGHTER SICK" with the food I cooked for her. Sure. Whatever. I never again cooked for his daughter. No complaining in the world would have made me do it again. Too bad.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Submitted by Helena.Handbasket on Tue, 05/15/2012 - 10:10am

No this is right. I'm surprised he is responding so well to your directness. I usually skirt any requests by having something else to do.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:17pm

You are certainly NOT taking it too far. In my opinion you are doing a grand job. Keep up the good work! Smile

Thiskidwilldrivemecrazy's picture

Submitted by Thiskidwilldriv... on Tue, 05/15/2012 - 1:10pm

A little later today, boyfriend calls back and wants to know, 'so are you disengaging if he is being nice, or are you already disengaged?'. I went over it with him again that he has a choice...a choice to back me and teach his kid respect or HE can do it all. A while later he texts me and says, 'Yep, the whole point is to help him be respecful so you can do for him'. My reply, 'The whole point is for YOU to back me if you want ME to help YOU raise him. If you don't want me to help raise him to be a respectful child that listens to those caring for him, then you get the pleasure of dealing with everything relating to him.'

You guys on this site are helping me so much! Thank you!