For you to have a better understanding of my situation I have to go all the way back to when I was 17 and first met my husband. I had recently moved to a new highschool for grade 12, and (lets call my husband John) John was there. The moment I met John I instantly felt like I had known him my whole life. He was absolutely perfect, he was handsome, funny, and made me feel like the only person in the world even though we had just met. I fell in love instantly but felt like there was no way he could ever feel that way about me so I never told him how I felt and stayed with my boyfriend who treated me like dirt. Despite me having a boyfriend John and I became friends. He and his friends welcomed me into their group and we spent all of our time together. The more time we spent together the more I liked John, but being young and nieve I thought that I was supposed to be with my first boyfriend forever. Summer vacation started and John and I didn't see eachother anymore because I was living out at my dads house an hour away. My boyfriend broke up with me that summer and I had gotten over it by the time school started again. I saw John on the first day of school and told him that I had been dumped. I was hoping that he would tell me that he felt the same about me and that we should be together, but instead I found out that he had just started dating someone over the summer. So we remained just friends and continued to hang out all the time. Well we were hanging out one night after school and we ended up kissing, I didn't realise what I was doing until after I was doing it. I stopped kissing him and just kept saying sorry, I couldn't believe I had just kissed someone elses boyfriend, I felt so guilty. I ran out of his house and started walking (very quickly) up to the school (my car was still parked at the school about a 10 minute walk from his house). It was pouring rain and in less than a minute John was beside me in his car asking me to get in. It was just like a scene from those cheesey romantic movies. After another minute I was so cold and soaked that I did get in and he drove me up to my car. I told him I was sorry again and asked him not to tell his girlfriend because I wanted for he and I to still be able to be friends. He agreed and the next day at school we acted like nothing had happened. John ended up having laser eye surgery and couldn't drive for a while. He was coaching a school football game and his mom asked me if I wouldn't mind picking him up. I obviously agreed and went to watch the last half of the game. After the game I told him his mom had asked for me to take him home, I offered his girlfriend a ride home as well but she said that she and her friends were going to hang out. She left with a girl and two guys and I drove John home. We hung out for a little while and ended up kissing again. I felt even worse this time, I thought for sure that I would be able to stop myself and ensure that we could remain friends. I told him that I didn't think we could hang out anymore because my feelings for him were obviously going to get in the way of our friendship. I was hoping that he would break up with his girlfriend and choose to be with me but it didn't happen. A few months later I ended up meeting someone new and began a relationship with him. He lived really far away so I was usually gone on the weekends to visit him. After almost a year he and I decided we should move in together. I had all of my stuff packed up and ready to go. There were a few people that I felt I needed to mend fences with before I left and John was obviously one of them. He had gone from being my best friend to someone I couldn't even talk to. I showed up at his house and told him how sorry I was about everything. I told him that I was moving in with my boyfriend the next day and that I wanted to fix things between us before that happened. Within 2 minutes we were back to our old selves laughing and having fun. We spent the afternoon hanging out and had a few drinks. John told me how he felt about me. He told me that he loved me and that he was sorry for not being with me sooner. He told me that he had fallen in love with me the first day we met and that he was stupid to have stayed with his ex instead of being with me when he found out I was single. I told him that I loved him too but that I had already made a commitment to move in with my boyfriend and that the truck was already packed with all of my stuff. I couldn't just call him up and tell him that I had changed my mind and leave him stuck paying for all of the bills. John and I spent the rest of the night cuddled up watching movies, when he tried to kiss me I told him that we couldn't. I don't know how I managed not to give in to him but somehow I did. I realised how late it was and knew that I couldn`t drive home yet because we had been drinking. He told me that I could stay there with him and he promised that he would respect my wishes and not try anything. He wrapped his arms around me and didn`t let go of me all night. I wish that at that moment I had called my boyfriend and told him that I didn`t want to be with him anymore. I wish that I had told John that I would stay with him instead of moving 7 hours away. Unfortunately I didn't, I left John who I had been in love with for 2 years to move in with someone I didn't love because I felt obligated to. When I moved away things with my boyfriend got really bad, he started being violent with me and made me feel terrible about myself. After only 3 months I moved back home. Somehow though, instead of ending the relationship with the violent boyfriend, he somehow convinced me that he had changed and we should still be together. I continued to see him for a few more months until I found out that he had been trying to get back together with an ex even though we were still together. Things with him ended and John and I started hanging out again. Every time we talked or spent time together all he ever talked about his most recent ex girlfriend. He never said that he still wanted to be with her he just kept talking about all of the trouble she had in her life and how he wished he could have helped her. I figured that because she was often a topic of discussion that he must have still had feelings for her so I stopped spending time with him. I didn't want to become really attached to him again if I still couldn't be with him. I started hanging out with a friend I used to work with and we started dating. That ended when I went off to university. While at university I reconnected with John on facebook and found out that he had a baby. I told him I was happy for him and found out that even though he was happy about being a dad, he wasn't happy with how it happened. He told me that they had only been together 2 months when she got pregnant and that the pregnancy was the only reason he was still with her. He had wanted to break up with her but when he found out she was pregnant he felt like he had no choice but to stay with her and try to be a family. I talked to him regularly and tried to be encouraging. He would tell me about how unhappy he was and I would give him advice on how to make things better between him and his girlfriend. I even suggested that they find someone to take the baby so they could go away for a romantic weekend and try to connect with eachother. When he got back from the weekend away with her he told me that there was no way he could be with her anymore. He told me that no matter what he did or how hard he tried he just didn't love her. I came back home for a weekend to celebrate my 21st birthday and was expecting to hang out with John and his girlfriend and meet their baby. I got home from a birthday dinner with my sister and got a message from John saying that he and his girlfriend were done and that she had moved back in with her mom. I didn't know what to say, I was thrilled for myself because I had been in love with him for 4 years but at the same time in the back of my mind I wondered if it was because of me. When I saw him the next morning he assured me that it didn't end because of me, he reminded me that he had been unhappy with her for a long time and that it was going to end no matter what. We spent the rest of my visit home hanging out and catching up. I got to meet his daughter and fell in love, as I would have with any baby. I went back to university and John and I started talking about us. We decided that we shouldn't let the opportunity to be together pass us by again. Even though I was hours away at school we made it work by talking on the phone every night. My semester was done a month after I had seen John again for the first time. I told my mom that I couldn't afford to stay at school anymore and asked her if I could move back in with her. She told me that she would love it if I lived there but she was in the middle of renovating and didn't have anywhere for me to stay. I told John that I was probably going to have to move in with my dad who lived and hour away from where John lived. He asked me if I wanted to move in with him instead. We talked a lot about it and when my semester was over I moved in with him. I had never been happier, I got to spend everyday with John and I realised just how much we belonged together. The only problem was that his ex refused to let him see his daughter. She told him that her lawyer said that he wasn't allowed to see her until John went to court to arrange a visitation agreement. John went 3 months without seeing his daughter. When he did get visitation with her she was 8 months old. She didn't know who her dad was and I was furious with his ex for taking out her anger with John by hurting his relationship with his daughter. Everytime his daughter was at our house she was crying and whining. She didn't crawl, she didn't roll around, she didn't move at all. For months she just laid wherever you put her and cried, she was clearly behind in her development. The combination of her looking exactly like her mother and her constant whining and crying made me really hate when she was over at the house. I knew it wasn't her fault, she didn't ask to be born into this situation but I couldn't help the way I felt. I was hurt that John had a baby without me. I was mad that if I wanted to be with him I had no choice but to have this baby in my life. Everytime she was at our house I tried to show her affection, I would feed her, change her and bath her. No matter what I did I just wanted her to go away. No matter how much I cuddled with her and sang to her and cared for her I just wanted her to be out of our lives. After a couple weeks of her visiting, John and I took a random road trip and he ended up proposing. Despite all of my negative feelings about his daughter I said yes. I loved him more than ever and I knew that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. About 6 months later we got married, my feelings toward his daughter had gotten better but the negative feelings were still there, they were just easier to deal with. Then I got pregnant. I don't know if it was the hormones or if it was because I realised just how special having a baby was but the negative feelings came back even stronger than they were before. I was more hurt than ever that John had done something so special with someone he didn't even like. I was mad that my life was restricted because we had to follow a schedule to see his daughter. I felt like us having a baby wasn't as improtant because he had already done it. I continued to try to keep it to myself when his daughter was around but I always felt so sad. One day his daughter heard my voice in another room and she came running toward me calling me mom. I tried to get her to call me by my name but she said "no, mom". Since that day she has always called me mom, she has even gotten upset because we told her that she didn't have to if she didn't want to. Then I found out that I was having a little girl too and I thought my world was going to end. I figured that if I had a boy at least it was going to be a first for John on some level. As soon as I saw my daughters face though none of that mattered anymore. She is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I can't imagine my life without her or her dad. Unfortunately even though his daughter is almost 3 1/2 now I still have negative feelings. I take care of her everytime she is here, I try to treat her the same as I treat my daughter. I just don't know why I still can't stand having her around. I have tried so hard to love her but I just don't. For a long time when she was with us things were getting better, she wasn't crying and whining all the time and she seemed to be enjoying her time with us. Her mom and I were able to communicate along with John and I started to think that maybe my feelings could change if I just kept trying. Well, I don't know what happened but her mother put a motion to the court to have her daughter taken away from us. The court basically laughed at her because she had no reason to do it, and John's daughter is still with us for all of our regular visits. That was a few months ago and John's daughter has been different ever since. She cries all the time when she is with us again, she says that she just wants to go to her mom's, and she won't tell us why. I just don't know what I am supposed to do anymore. I am so happy with John and our daughter but I am having so much trouble treating his daughter like I love her too. I am expecting our second baby right now and I just want all of this stress to go away. I want to stop having these negative feelings, it has been 3 years and I don't want to keep living like this. Sometimes I even wish that I could stop having a conscience so that I wouldn't feel bad about John and I moving away and not having to see his daughter anymore. I know that if I asked him to he would and I know that his daughter would be happier if she could just be with her mom all the time, but I don't think it would be good for her in the long run. Her mom treats her like a baby and gives her everything she wants. At our house she has rules and structure which she desperately needs. I just want to know what I am supposed to do. I want to know how to get over this and make the situation better. Right now I feel like I am constantly struggling to treat John's daughter the same as our daughter and I really don't want to treat them the same. I want to be able to show my daughter that she is my whole world all the time, not just when John's daughter isn't around. I am so confused and conflicted. On the one hand John's daughter is just a child and it isn't her fault that she is in this position and she deserves what is best for her. On the other hand why should I have to treat someone else's child the same as my own. Why should I have to lie and say that I love this other child when I don't.