Opinions on calling for SD's birthday
A little back story. After fighting for years for more time with his daughter my DH finally gave up after SD spent a full year crying all day everyday she was at our house. The change happened from one visit to the next after her mom`s attempt to have her taken away from us failed. We have no idea what was said to her when she was with her mom, but she went from being happy and not wanting to leave our house, to crying all the time when she was with us and saying she didn`t love us anymore and she only wanted to be with her mom. So after a year of her constantly being upset DH spoke to BM and they decided between them that it was best if DH backed off and let SD come to him when she was ready. DH`s reason for agreeing to this was because he actually felt selfish forcing her to be with us when she clearly didn`t want to. This was 11 months ago and there has only been 1 phone call in that time and it was very uncomfortable with only 1 word answers from SD and a lot of long pauses. SD`s birthday is this month and I just wanted your opinions on whether DH should call her or not. Please no nasty comments on his and BM`s decision for him to back off, I just want to know what you would do on her birthday. Thank you.
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He mentioned a month ago that
He mentioned a month ago that he thinks he should call and I only responded with "oh yeah, her birthday is coming up". I was debating whether I should remind him or not, thank you for your opinion.
I'd remind him. If he doesn't
I'd remind him. If he doesn't call, despite her being the one who wanted to leave, she'll probably feel abandoned and things will worsen. Teenage minds and all. It sounds like your DH doesn't want that, so he should probably call, even if the call sucks.
I understand your dilemna, but why isn't phone or skype time being established and enforced on a weekly basis?
SD isn't a teenager she is a
SD isn't a teenager she is a young child. She lives about 5 minutes away from us and phone time isn't being enforced because she does not want to talk to him or see him (I still have no idea what BM and my MIL put in SD's head to make her change so drastically from one visit to the next). When DH did speak to her on the phone he asked if she wanted to come for a visit and she just said quietly "no thanks". Then BM got on the phone and he asked her when SD might want to see him or talk to him again and BM said that she asks SD if she wants to call DH all the time and that this was the first time in 8 months she agreed to. DH and I have a hard time believing what BM said, she has been known to lie... everytime she opens her mouth. To give a little more back story, when BM and DH had dated 2 months she lied to him in order to get pregnant. Once she was pregnant she started to show her true colours and DH knew that he was expected to make the money and stay out of BM's way when it came to all decisions about SD. He stuck it out until SD was 5 months old (if you knew BM you would know that it was an increadible feat, lol). SD has NEVER seen her parents together other then them handing her back and forth. And she has grown up in a family where the men are either at work or they are sitting there quiet and not getting involved. Even my MIL was that way with DH's dad and she was always ignoring DH infront of SD. In all honesty, I can't really blame SD for not wanting anything to do with DH, she was brought up not to care about or respect the men in her life.
Hmmmm... I'm actually about
Hmmmm... I'm actually about to blog about a related topic. You'll have to let me know what you think.
We don't have the money to
We don't have the money to pay for counseling, CS already has us maxed out. As for SD hurting, luckily she isn't. She is genuinley way happier now that she isn't being forced to leave her mom. If DH thought that she was sad or hurting I know he would never have agreed to stopping the visits. The truth is that she comes from a family where only the women matter, the men are just there to bring in a paycheck. It seems twisted to me, but she is truly happy only spending time with her mom.
It is good to hear things
It is good to hear things from the other end, your daughter is blessed to have you. DH has always been an amazing father not only to SD but also to our 2 daughters. All he ever wanted was to be a part of SD's life and BM tried to stand in the way every chance she could. I think sending a card is a wonderful idea, but BM has moved to another location in town and DH doesn't know the address. Maybe I will suggest he call BM's mom and ask for the new address since speaking to BM never seems to get him anywhere. Worst case scenario he could just send the birthday card to BM's mom's house. Thank you.
I'd send a card with a nice
I'd send a card with a nice note inside inviting her to call. She's a child. He's the adult .
Thank you for your opinion, I
Thank you for your opinion, I wasn't going to send a card or make the call. I just wanted some opinions from other parents and step parents so that I could give my husband some input if he asked what I thought he should do. Ultimately the decision is his and in the end he will do what he feels is right.
We are in the exact same boat
We are in the exact same boat with stepdevil14. She's done the same shit. She lives 5 miles away and won't pick up the phone or answer her dad's calls.
He sent her a birthday card - no gift. Texted her Happy Birthday. Never got a response. Same thing this past Christmas.
She's made her bed. Let her lie in it. It's not DH's job to chase her down and beg for her attention. She got what she wanted. Life with BM full time. So guess what, that means NO more gifts or special attention from DH.
Good luck. I hate this for my husband and he didn't do a thing to deserve this brat turning her back on him, but he's happy that the tension of when she'd visit is over.