DH`s sister ousting us from DH`s family events
Dh's sister has slowly but surely ousted us from a bunch of DH's family events
Since DH & I have been together, his family always had big get togethers for birthdays, Mother's Day/Father's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc...
But since MIL died, and DH`s sister and daughter started taking over the family events, strange and not so nice things have been happening
The first was Thanksgiving. One year recently, there was no mention of it. Even though it was something DH`s family have always done. DH said nothing, we went to my family`s as we used to rotate each year between his family and my family anyway, but the next year when it happened again DH discovered that in fact there was a Thanksgiving dinner, hosted by OSD and everyone including his sister, FIL and BM had all gone. The only two people not on the invite list were DH & I
DH brushed it off. That shocked me but I thought great, we get to spend it always with my family now so who cares.
But then there was the Christmas Eve tradition as well
Every single Christmas Eve DH`s family would get together along with friends of MIL`s & FIL`s. SD`s would rotate each year until eventually BM decided she was hosting Christmas every Christmas Eve, so it was everyone but SD`s. But then one year recently after MIL passed, it simply didn`t happen. No mention from anyone, just no Christmas Eve get together. Like Thanksgiving, DH eventually learned that his sister was going to BM`s on Christmas Eve, along with FIL, and they were spending it with them and SD`s.
This still didn`t seem to upset DH whatsoever. To me it was obvious his sister was really sticking it to him - to us - oh yes to me - but whatever
Well this year a new one. Christmas dinner. Every single year after the big Christmas Brunch at FIL`s, there is the Christmas dinner at DH`s sister``s house. This year, no surprise, no mention of it.
So DH asks FIL what is going on and FIL says it`s just going to be brunch at OSD`s place. DH & I are feeling bad for FIL, thinking he will be sitting home alone on Christmas evening, so we tell him no worries we`ll come over and see him, or he can come and spend it with us at my family`s, only to learn that no, FIL already has plans
He and DH`s sister are going to have Christmas dinner with FIL`s good friends - the same friends that would always sit down with all of us for Christmas dinner
Well DH finally snapped.
Lost it on FIL today.
DH is in a MOOD now
But the worst, is he is blaming me. I know he isn`t seriously blaming me. I have done nothing. But his sister is clearly pulling the ole` ìt`s me or it`s Disillusioned thing - sort of like what OSD did but in a much more ``subtle`` manner....at least that`s what DH & I are taking from it.
His sister`s way of saying, I would rather spend these holidays with anyone other than you and your wife DH
DH is angry, and if I so much as say don`t worry about it DH he lashes out at me
I am very angry at DH right now
I have done nothing to deserve this
I have given his sister zero reason to pull this
She is the most jealous, childish, insecure loser of a human being I have ever met. She has never so much as really had a boyfriend let alone anyone in her life. No friends. Just her family, who she feels she finally has power over and will manipulate to oust the wife of her brother she so despises.
I find this situation soooooo frustrating.
Because DH`s sister is a jealous insecure moron, she takes some really drastic disgusting action by slowly but obviously cutting us out of family get togethers. Disgusting. DH is upset. But, of course it somehow comes back to it somehow being all about me. Doesn`t matter that I`ve done nothing more than breathe. Doesn`t matter it`s all based on the fact that she jealous and thinks cutting me down makes her look good. Doesn`t matter this game of extortion that`s she playing is morally wrong.
Doesn`t matter that DH is well aware of all of these things, yet is so angry he is lashing out at me too and even going so far as to try to pin it on me - or at least her dislike of me - rather that admitting what he and I both know.
And that is, is sister is a jealous evil manipulative bitch who is deliberately causing us grief. And if DH weren`t such a wimp when it comes to these things, he would stand up to her and tell her exactly where she can go
And normally DH's sister's
And normally DH's sister's nonsense doesn't bother me at all, but, when it upsets DH so much that he is even lashing out at me, then I have a hard time accepting it. Especially when I know I've contributed nothing to this sick ongoing war she wages, and yet, tonight I"m paying the price once again for her insecurities.
The only reason DH did eventually listen to, is when I told him that sometimes the best thing you can give someone, is exactly what they say they want.
So, rather than get all worked up about no Christmas dinner with your family, make sure every year from now on you don't participate. The fact is, both SD's generally do Christmas like this: Christmas Eve with BM, Christmas Day with DH and DH's family, and Christmas dinner with their in-laws. So cool, starting this year forward DH we will do the same. Christmas Day with your family including your daughters and their family's, and then Christmas dinner at my family's. Your father and your sister can spend it together with whomever they want, or all alone.
One day FIL will be gone, and DH's sister will have no one to lug around to her niece's in law's or to BM house with. If she chooses to go spend Thanksgiving with OSD's in-laws, and Christmas Eve with BM, and Christmas all by her lonesome, really at that point who will care?
We can spend all the time we want with grand-kids and YSD for example, whenever we want, and we can give DH's sister exactly what she wants too - and avoid spending any more than the minimum time with HER on holidays.
Works for me, and funnily enough, that calmed DH down somewhat and he admitted that would work for him too.
I am sorry for you being the
I am sorry for you being the sounding board and being blamed by your DH. It is very frustrating; but a fact that you are the one that is being lashed out at. I used to get the same treatment by my DH.
My Skids are grown and I had absolutely no part in their raising; I met my DH after they were grown. Yet, it was all my fault they act like morons.
My DH is also aware of SD's actions towards me. My SD had a major jealous melt down and wrote me a two page hate email, which I printed out and DH read it. DH did take the email up with SD; I didn't ask what he said to her. I know that SD made a lame excuse and DH bought it.
These situations with Daddy and their princesses are never going to change. I disengaged 7 years ago; I mean I TOTALLY disengaged. I will NEVER subject myself to the disrespect I received for years, from my DH and his daughter, again. I call DH on every little movement he pulls now and I will never let SD be a part of my life, after the hate email. I never responded to the email and I never reacted to SD. The email was two years ago and she hates me more, for NOT responding. SD tried her best to start a war with me; I treat her as if she's dead and I truly have absolutely no feelings for her as a breathing human.
It is hurtful when they deliberately leave you out of family gatherings; especially when you were always included before. I've been there; but glad now I don't have to tolerate the disrespect another minute.
Do not respond or react to this treatment; let your DH handle his garbage family the way he sees fit. Tell him what I told my DH. "Don't blame me for your dysfunctional family. You are the one that created the disrespect, when you raised these monkeys. It's you and BM's result of raising a spoiled brat (SD56). So YOU deal with it and leave me out of it. Your daughter is not allowed around me, until you tell her she has to respect me as your wife and her elder. Therefore, tell her if she comes around me, I will slap a restraining order against her and have her charged with trespassing." Guess what, she stays away from me; I'm guessing he told her exactly what I told him.
It's sad when you are forced to set such stringent boundaries, but the Problem is Solved!!!! Now my DH shows more respect for me; but it IS a good deal of water under the bridge.
I hope you have good holidays and do not let them spoil it for you. My DH is free to do as he sees fit with his daughter and sons; all I want is to be left alone by his toxic daughter.
DH and you are invited to
DH and you are invited to OSD's for Christmas brunch, right ? If I followed along correctly, OSD is taking on Christmas brunch for first time. After spending Christmas at her BM's, then Santa for her little ones, followed by hosting brunch, I assume OSD and family are Christmased out (unless then OSD does something with her husband's family...a lot of Christmas and a long two days for someone with a new baby and young second child.
I guess, SIL and FIL, then visiting for Christmas evening dinner with FIL's longtime friends, instead of cooking and having yet another 'family' dinner at FIL's makes sense to me. SIL, DH and you were having it out in the kitchen at YSGS's baptism party a couple weeks ago. I would think Christmas brunch at OSD;s is sufficient 'togetherness' in one day and one holiday.
It also frees you and DH up to either spend some time with your family or to invite friends\family to your home for evening dinner.
The other thing to wonder about also, perhaps there is a reason FIL's friends prefer staying in their own home this year. Health changes? Someone they are already hosting so having FIL come join is practical? It could be anything.
I guess I'm not sure why your DH is so angry, unless I misunderstood and Dad and you are cut out of Christmas brunch at OSD's.
but whatever is going on, DH is wrong to blame you and/or growl and take his disappoint out on you. If he doesn't settle down and be nice, feel free to put coal in his Christmas stocking.
I had a feeling things were
I had a feeling things were going to get worse for you, Disillusioned. Once it was revealed that your SIL is toxic and colludes with your SD, I thought, "Uh oh, taking the high road is NOT the way to deal with this hostility."
Your DH's avoidance is to blame for things coming to this point. The longer he ignored the manipulation and mistreatment, the more it escalated AND the more accustomed to the new norm friends and family members have gotten. His sister and daughter have essentially orchestrated a bloodless coup, triangulating against you and excluding you both.
You say your DH finally snapped and went off on his father? Good for him. What did he say? IMO you've been very nice to your FIL, and as the family patriarch he should crack the whip and tell those hostile females to cut the crap. Where is the loyalty? Falling in with his daughter's nasty plans is condoning the behaviour, plain and simple.
Good Morning Disillusioned, I
Good Morning Disillusioned,
I am sorry you are having to deal with this now, aren't the holidays so joyous with loving Sadults? (I say sarcastically). Your situation is so unfair and you did not create this insane jealousy that you get more than an ample dose of every time you should glean a little happiness. While I agree the FIL should man up, I do know that people can love you and whimp out pathetically, just to keep peace with the majority. I deal with this situation too, though I do get along with my sister in laws, I have accepted what I cannot change and, I am still working on trying not to care at all (that is easier said than done). But, I, like you, have come a long way. From your post, I can tell you are effectively disengaging, so keep the direction going and do not look back. Remember, this has nothing to do with YOU, you are just a target of this family's serious dysfunction. If the target it away from the mess, they have less of an aim. And, if not you, it would be somebody else likely treated the same insanely jealous way.
Yeah my husband tries the same thing, "And you had no part in this?" Last time I said no, neither did they...it is all YOUR fault for being a doormat dadeeeeee, you allowed this whole thing to happen and supported it by being a pathetic excuse for a husband or a father. His bunch ran off many others before me with their insane jealousy, still he is a doormat, so expecting him to change is about as likely as a snowball's chance in h..ll staying frozen. But, do not let your husband blame you, put it right back on him, where the blame actually belongs. He should not say a word to you- about his family's outrageous behavior.
You must be one smokin' hot moma lady if the SIL is also jealous of you too...dang everybody's eaten up. Go look in the mirror, maybe that is why they are jealous. And, from the way you write I bet you are professionally successful, as well....double jealousy wamy, you are not going to win this one. Throw the towel in and thank God for the gifts you have that clearly they are insanely jealous of, by no fault of your own at all.
Go on with your life, tell husband you do not want to hear a word about any of them that they are dead to you now. Find your joy at the spa, in a good glass of wine, nice book and with people who love and care you for who you are; who are not critical of you out of ridiculous jealousy. Not one of these people are worth your time or emotion.
You will get past this, dress up, look hot, enjoy your life away from them and trust me it will fry them without even trying. Remember, these people are dead to you now.
A few weeks ago you posted
A few weeks ago you posted your husband had it out with his sister. Now he is surprised he is not invited to her house? Then he lost it his newly widowed father?
I have read your posts for yours and in my opinion, just my opinion, Step Talkis horrid for you. It reassures your paranoid thoughts and gives you zero alternative perspective. When you are constantly looking for faults, you are going to find them.
Tell your DH this is not what
Tell your DH this is not what love looks like. This is what contempt and dislike look like.
These people do not love him. They dislike him and feel contempt for him. Nothing he can do about it as he did not cause it. Let them go gently into the night and do not follow screaming and rending one's garment....
ETA Appears there's a bit of backstory that may be relevant. YMMV
I feel for you sammigirl. And
I feel for you sammigirl. And every time I read your posts, I remember my situation is not that bad.
Usually DH's sister and daughter's nonsense rolls off my back, I know what to expect from them. And DH usually supports me these days. So having him lash out at me too was unexpected. He did apologize to me this morning, which is rare for him to do
All is fine now, but I'm assuming it will be tense at his family's this weekend
twoviewpoints, I think it's
twoviewpoints, I think it's the straw that broke the camel's back as the saying goes
Ever since MIL has passed away, all the many family traditions that were so important to her (and to DH) he is slowly being excluded from.
First it was Thanksgiving. Bad enough that DH's sister just decided it wouldn't happen - and didn't say a word to DH about it - but then we find out that she and FIL, along with BM, are all at OSD's enjoying Thanksgiving dinner together. Not nice. At all
DH let that go, but then what followed it was The Christmas Eve tradition next. Again, just like the Thanksgiving thing, one year there was just no mention of it. And eventually, DH learns that FIL and SIL are at BM's instead. And still DH just let it go
But this time, Christmas dinner, something that has happened every single year since he was born. To have this one just 'not mentioned' to him, and then to learn from FIL that DH's sister had invited herself and FIL to the same good friends who always went to DH's family's Christmas dinner....so once again DH's sister is finding a way to exclude us from the family events
It's nasty. And she shouldn't be allowed to do that. DH knows why she does it - she so hates to be around her brother most especially because of his wife. And she lets us know that each and every time there is a family get together by the permanent scowl on her face, that she can't so much as greet us on arrival, that you have to walk on egg shells around her because if you so much as sneeze the wrong way she will snap and make a gigantic dramatic scene. Not that either DH or I walk on egg shells around her any longer. I have zero fear of her and DH is getting that way too
She is trying to drive me away much the same way OSD did many years ago, and not only does DH see what she's doing, but he also knows why. And that is her gigantic self-important inflated ego of exactly what she thinks her role in DH's life, and in the family's life, not to mention my life is. This woman honestly believes she should come before everyone - DH's own kids (SD's) - and most especially his wife (me)
While she's sided with OSD in their mutual competitiveness with me, OSD has told stories of how mean DH's sister was to her when she was young. How nasty DH's sister was to BM when she was stilled married to DH. And I have seen DH's sister's jealousy of YSD with my own eyes. YSD gets small dozes from time to time of what I get in truckloads, from DH's sister.
She is jealous of her brother's relationship with his wife, and with his own daughter (her niece) She is jealous when someone compliments me, or when it's YSD, jealous when either of us are the centre of attention. It goes on and on.
I'm seeing a bit of pushback from YSD towards her Aunt (DH's sister) lately - but that is a whole other post!
What about trying a new
What about trying a new tradition? Something like Santa with the Grandpas? You could ask about borrowing the two grandsons for an afternoon yet this week and FIL, DH and the two grandsons do photo with Santa and then lunch . An all guy thing.
It'd give the boys and DH a cute 8x10 photo to give to FIL that Greatgrandpa could proudly display, gives the males a bit of bonding festive fun ...and it's something SIL can't give her Dad nor participate in.
You, of course, could go along. FIL adores you and you'd be likely needed to help the two men chase after the little two. You're right in that FIL won't be here forever and this would be something to that could include YSD's future children in also hopefully while FIL is still here to enjoy. It's a keepsake photo for the kids long after greatgrandpa passes also.
When DH asks about borrowing the grandsons, he doesn't have to necessarily even mention to OSD that he's also invited FIL.
Just a thought. Changes do happen over the years and changes are hard, but it doesn't mean new traditions can't be created.
Time to point out the facts
Time to point out the facts to the SIL about how she has no life of her own and then inform her that no longer will her manipulative crap be tolerated.
Then don't tolerate it. You and DH show up at every IL family event with bells on, happy, looking good, feeling good, radiating how great your life together is and rub SIL's nose in the carpet stains of her pathetic non life. }:)
Have fun.
outtahear I agree with you, I
outtahear I agree with you, I don't get it either...well in my DH's sister's case I guess I do - she deliberately uses BM to minimize me. Inviting her brother's EX to family events she knows his brother's wife will obviously be at is a great way to make it known to me, and DH, how she feels about me.
And going to see her brother's EX on Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, rather than spending it with her brother and his wife - is an even better way to make it crystal clear
Too bad she doesn't realize it also makes very clear to us what type of person she really is.
Yes we're going to avoid being anywhere around her as much as we can from now on. This is apparently what she wants. So, who are we to force ourselves are on her. Let her go spend all her holidays with her brother's EX, works for us!
Exjuliemccoy, yes DH should
Exjuliemccoy, yes DH should have put his foot down years ago
And as for my FIL, I think my DH would agree with you there too! DH just finished saying this evening that although DH's sister is the main caregiver for FIL (something she bullheadedly takes on all on her own squeezing DH out as much as she can) that FIL definitely at some point needs to stand up and tell his daughter to tone it down
I truly do adore my FIL, he is such a great guy and he has been so good to me, but I do also feel he takes the easiest and most non-confrontational way out. He knows his daughter is out of line but in the end he backs downs to her will. She is such an angry nasty person I'm sure he just finds it easier, but you are correct that at some point, he needs to step it up too
CANYOUHELP, thanks! Your post
CANYOUHELP, thanks! Your post made my evening. I do need to remind myself that yes I have done nothing, I have tried over the years to get along with my DH's sister and it just won't happen
And at this point in time I really don't want anything more to do with her, I'm happy to step far far away. She is a nasty, spiteful bully - a lot like Ladyface and HRNYC here on Steptalk - so not worth even a response to.
She feels inferior, she is jealous and insecure and that makes her angry and spiteful and always looking for the personal attack, rather than just being a normal compassionate human being. So very glad my life has never made me that kind of pathetic human being!!
Rags - I totally love you
Rags - I totally love you LOL. DH & I really do try to step above it all. And we both know the root of his sister's hostility. Exactly as you said - she has NO life.
She can blame her brother, or her parents, or her nieces, or her brother's wife, or the teacher that hurt her self-esteem (or whatever) all she wants but at the end of the day SHE is the one with no life. No friends. No lover. Not even a family (other than OSD who only sides with her for the same jealous crap, and FIL who fears her as she's his caregiver)
She is an angry, bitter person who begrudges her brother and most especially his wife of their happiness - she is even jealous and mean to her own niece (YSD) and believe me YSD is on to her too these days
That is a whole other, long, post that I have yet to get to!
twoviewpoints, great ideas.
twoviewpoints, great ideas. Yes - new traditions for 2017 for sure. DH & I have decided that going forward, we will be giving his sister exactly what she wants - much, much, LESS of us in her life
Forget the 'family' traditions. We're going to definitely request time with the grand kids, and we will fly out west to spend time with YSD, and time with FIL alone. But, we will no longer be making any effort to have anything to do with DH's sister.
She has made it clear through all her abusive anger that she despises us, so, we are going to do her the biggest favor and not make any effort to be around her any longer
This way we all win - she does not have to 'tolerate' us. And we, thankfully, will no longer have to be in her bad energy any longer either. Win Win for all