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I'm tired of the unfairness and I'm NOT picking up anyone's slack

overit2's picture

So, BF and I had a great weekend to ourselves, a great time really. LOTS of loving, we did gardening, went out...had a marathon lol all around just refreshing as it always is.

So Sunday my boys come back as usual-still a good evening, we all watched a movie together, had dinner, etc.

THEN MONDAY comes crashing in-he finds out SD is at his parents house AGAIN, because BM has to go sign papers for the house she just bought (apparently-finally, after 4 months of moving the closing date)... AND surprise surprise she's staying two weeks!!! AGAIN..she just STAYED friggin two weeks a week ago lol. Of course he'll feel bad and go get her (him and his brother live together) and bring her w/him or stay there at his parents during that time. And typically HALF of that time, or evenings or wknds they come to see me and the boys so SD can not be BORED over there since there are no kids to abuse and bully I guess.

First of all what kind of cold whore does this during the time they (her and sd) are getting their first house together-the kid has been bounced from home to home, school to school, living w/others, she's almost 11 and is SO friggin happy that she's going to have her own space ( I feel awfull about this) so FINALLY get's her own place and what...bitch is going to make her wait two weeks to come to the house, help decorate, move, sleep in her own room, etc?? REALLY-WHO really does that?

And then this- for a dad with EOW supposedly-since I've been with him it's been 1/3 or more of custodial time, weeks at a time in summer, during winter breaks, snow days (dropped off 3 days prior just in case it gets snowed in), holidays, weekends, extra weekends, extra random days at her convenience. During Nov/Dec it was almost 1 1/2months each time. WELL I'll say-I'm DONE picking up other people's slack for an agreement I never made for a kid that isn't mine, when I'm NOT married and the kid is likely not even his. F THAT!

I have NEVER met a BM that has as many breaks and gets her way as much as she does when throwing her kid around at others, friends, MY bf's family, and him left and right whenever she wants. If her and SD agree to it- it's written in stone. And then like I said-they ALL know that a lot of that time is spent at my place so in essence I'm already being "groomed" to accept that I will be shit on depending on what THEY have planned for the year.

NOW-NONE Of this is EVER agree to by him, bm does not have his number-when she did even if he said NO to a schedule she'd go aroudn him and his parents would say yes-so he figured hell w/it let them deal w/it (thinking they'd get tired of it, apparently that isn't working).

I plan to make it very uncomfortable for them all this time around and from here on out on ANY unscheduled time, there will be NONE of my house/space the times that occurrs

-So NO-these two weeks I will NOT be having SD over at my house when bf visits unless it's the regulary scheduled wknd he has her and we decide to do something together. If bm, sd and gparents want to make their own plans, fine-but they aren't including my household- thinking I will pick up that bm's bitch slack they have another thing coming, because I won't.

Imagine how nice for BM-she doesn't have to pay for summer camp at ALL this summer, AND gets the child support AND doesn't have the kid w/her four of those weeks.

And then I on the other hand-have TWO kids to support that are with me the whole summer full time-AND paying for summer camp x 2 which is ridiculous expensive.

SO HELL to the no-I'm tired of it being unfair and I will not pick up someone elses slack. I have enough w/my own-let her stay at home bored w/grandparents or her dad. I have no reason to feed her, cook for an extra mouth, have her play dress up w/my clothes, listen to her talk nonstop, entertain her at my house, have her in my space, here the arguments about the tv, her crazy energy riling everyone up, the boys getting possibly bullied and if not they will feed of her hyper ass and I have to be stressed w/calming them down during weeknights.

BF can deal with it-his parents can, and SD can stay w/her dad or grandparents BORED-my house, my dime, my space, I'm not picking up their shit slack-I have enough of my own and I WILL not do it again. The more I allow myself to be shit on by their arrangements the worse it will be.

After my inital shock of "WTF she's over there AGAIn-WHAT? TWO WEEKS, AGAIN???? He had hinted at coming over just him for dinner..but then said he felt bad because he would be spending time w/my boys and not her...I promptly told him we'd take a rain check and I wanted a chill evening to myself-he understood.

NOW-for TODAY-I will be having the uncomfortable conversation above with him. I will SHOW THEM how shitty these unscheduled visits can be for them. It is not fair that I bust my ass working, paying child care when I need it, support two kids, and only get EOW_-IF that, ONE week in 7 years I got from ex to take the kids on vacation. And this bitch gets it all, anytime she wants-but again-since we met a lot of that time IS spent w/me-so her getting her way is added burden for ME, who ALREADY do ten times more then her and never throw my kids around at the world to raise. And it's damn hard-I won't do it for her.

SO NO-I didn't sign up for that and I will not agree to their imposing schedules/days/vacation weeks. They agree, they handle it.

Comments

overit2's picture

NOPE Smile And that works for now until this situation is resolved. We want to, down the road. But it will be a while. The issue becomes that him and I are used to seeing eachother daily-so when she visits him, if he wants to see me he either has to leave her w/his parents or come w/her.

WELL-there will be no more "come w/her" to my place on unscheduled times. That is HIS lesson to learn as much as SD's, his parents and BM.

He can have his parents stay w/her since they agree to this unscheduled crap to begin with and he can come see me or we'll take some days off even if I miss him tons.

Willow2010's picture

until this situation is resolved
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I am curious what you mean by this. Kudos for you for not jumping in and marrying or living together. I did the same thing (9ish years) and it turned out so much better than most. BUT…Married or not, I would never have told my DH that he could not get his kid if it was not scheduled time. I can see wanting to know about it, but to out and out say he can’t have extra time with his kid may not sit well with him. KWIM.
I get where you are coming from, but I don t think he will. Good luck.

overit2's picture

Oh I know Willow. I'm not saying he can't have extra time w/his kid-JUST not at MY house Smile NOT unscheduled/non-agreed upon time. He may be used to this crap by now-I'm not and I dont' have to be. I have enough with my own children to be responsible for.

IF/WHEN we get married he will have to be used to the idea that unless of a TRUE emergency I will NOT agree to last minute add ons made by his EXWIFE, his CHILD and HIS PARENTS. Until I feel confident enough that this is the case I will stay dating him Smile Perhaps I'll stay dating him until we move out of state.

Again-this is something (these added days/weeks) he hasn't even agreed to. He'll have to get his balls back and tell his ex to deal w/the full custody she wanted and stop using his family...AND tell his parents that whatever they chose is fine but he won't go bail them out. They can sit there and try to run his life for him-but they won't run mine. I have enough of my own to deal with. My exh screws up also-and tries to keep control w/his "i'll let you know later" games-I'll be damned if I will allow another woman who is SUPPOSED to be the main custodial parent to keep my life controlled by her unwillingness to do what she SIGNED UP TO DO when filing for custody-

Situation resolved...hmmm, the dna test and him telling his exwife to shove it and her "pulling scheduling tricks" and HE will be the one to control the relationship with "his child".

BELIVE ME-the ex is so unfit she will still want to have him and his parents pick up her slack even once she's aware of him knowing his biological NON link. BUT she won't be able to pull all the stops as she does now. No more. Once that is done and his balls are back-I MAY consider moving forward Smile Love him dearly and want my life with him, but I'm not stupid-my years have given me valued lessons to think w/my head in addition to my heart.

Willow2010's picture

I think you are doing ok right now. BUT, you have a long way to go. And please remember that it can all change in the blink of an eye. I waited until SS was 16ish and moved out of town, with his sainted BM, before I would marry my DH. I thought I was safe. I would NEVER tell DH that his son could not live with him. A few ish months after we married, guess who came to live with us. Grrrrr. BUT, I always knew it could happen, so I took my licks and stuck it out for the last 1 and a half years. Was really bad at first, but calmed down after a while. Now, I only have about 16 days!!! Then military…here he comes!!!!

overit2's picture

Oh I know Willow, things can change. The problem I have for NOW-is that this is stuff he hasn't even agree to that takes place. So HE gets upset and resentful of it of course. But I dont' want to take on that resentment and responsibility for something he hasn't even agree to-that he has chooses to take on because of his guilt orhaving his balls in everyone elses bag. Once he matures and takes ownership of his jewels- then I will consider it. If it takes years it does...him and I both know and agree that full time custody would have had to been somethign that happened years ago for it to ever had a chance working w/all of us together. It's too late now. And her living w/him -or us if married can/will result in tearing us up.

Her values/morals taught by the mother are different. I won't allow her to dress like a hoochie-watch shows of the likes she does-or listen to provacative music and do what she pleases to get her way. That wont' fly in my house, I have two boys I'm responsible to raise into good young men first and foremost. BM signed up for this then SHE will deal with it.

overit2's picture

Oh and Willow-I'm glad you have just a few days left...and it was only 1 1/2yrs...lucky you, happy for you!!! WOOT WOOT

DaizyDuke's picture

I am totally with you... I am sitting here at work seething as ususal about the fact that BM#2 calls DH whenever she needs a sitter for SS12 and he jumps "at the chance to spend time with his son" no visitiation agreement with this skank, "visitation" is whenever Miss Skanky Precious needs someone to babysit SS for free. While I pay $500.00 per month to send our BS1 to day care. I do understand that babysitting a 12 yo and a 1 year old are not even close to being the same, but it still chaps my ass, that as usual, BM gets everything she demands or wants, (so that DH can be a "good father" of course... certainly NOT doing BM a favor.....) continues to get her support, while WE have HER kid 3 or 4 days a week, eating us out of house and home and just being in my space in general.

I totally get your anger and frustration!

overit2's picture

Daizy..you and I have similar situations really lol..."seething at work" yep..this is me everytime a schedule crap happens.

The only difference is bf doesn't jump at every opportunity to be a good dad, because in reality the sad thing is he's at a point that he's stopped caring as much about the relationship w/"his child". I dont' blame him-but in the meantime I dont' want that stress on me.

YES-the "eating out of house and home and being in your space".

Sometimes my own kids get on my nerves just simply because they need/depend on you so much, normal-but I have no doubt crazy love for them that makes me put up w/their little butts....I have no bio connection to this kid (seems neither does bf)...the kid is just plain unlikeable most (not all) of the time, acts just like her bm, and has a BM that gets free time whenever she wants. SHE gets her cake and eat it too-time and time again.

It's just unfair-and I'm done with unfair. I have enough unfair w/my exh not being responsible w/our boys. I'm trying to get a point across to bf, his family-and it will trickle down from SD to her BM-that these unscheduled visits are BORING, nothing goes on, she doesn't come over to my place, just sits w/her grandparents or her dad w/out much going on....maybe it'll make SD not want to come over all the time if that's the case, adn will fight back when her mom wants to pawn her off somewhere for some free time (meanign weeks and months out of the year).

DaizyDuke's picture

I agree with the boring thing... I used to try to do fun stuff with skids like play putt putt, take them bowling, to the movies etc. Now... NOTHING! DH is not really into doing that kind of stuff, so 99.9% of the time that they are with us is BORING and I intentionally plan to continue to make it that way. If I am going to do something fun, I take BS1 and we do it together... no skids... not mine, not my responsibility to entertain them. And I certainly don't want them coming more because they think it's disneyland.

Sweetnothings's picture

I wish that I had never agreed to SD21 moving in with us, she was 16 at the time and was with us for almost 3 years!! She rarely lifted a finger, turned her newly decorated room, complete with all the extras, tv, p.c, new furniture, new bed, etc and turned it into a PIT !! When we moved countries she came too and then it became really bad, she is a pathological liar, and this became so baddddd!! I couldn't even bear to be in the same house as her.....
The day DH shipped her back I felt like dancing on the tables, guzzling Champagne !! Never again, and now D H seems to go through cycles of Daddy Guilt but we get through it. The sad thing is that younger skid isn't too bad normal teen stuff,but okay, but I still would not agree with them moving in with us.....once bitten twice shy......

overit2's picture

I honestly dont' know that I would agree to it-I see what Willow is saying...but to who's expense is that done? Am I willing to possibly lose a marriage over it?

Willow2010's picture

Am I willing to possibly lose a marriage over it?

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That is the exact reason I would not marry until SS was much older. We WOULD have divorced before then. No doubt about it.