Why do you (not the exh/exw) deal with the Bio parents anyway?
I'm new to the board, so getting to know the acronyms, formats, posters, etc... I do have a question though. Why is it that when reading through posts I see a lot of times where the bio parents will contact the new wife/husband/bf/gf via phone, text or when dealing with pickup/dropoffs.
I guess I'm wondering WHY you do this-if it was always this way since you were dating, did your husband/wife ask you to, why do they have your phone n?
I'm guessing so many issues could be avoided by protecting your relationship from having to deal w/the exes wouldn't it?
Ok-so my bf and I have been dating 15 months now...we are planning on a future together-I have two sons he has a daughter. I have not once met his ex-wife, nor do I want to-I'm sure at some point it may happen. He has met my exh at my sons bday party and seen him a couple times since-the conversation goes just as far as "hey man, how are you?" and shake of hands, that's it!!
We both deal with our own pickup/dropoff w/our exes. We do not know their phones, we keep our relationship very protected.
I know enough of her and he of my ex from us discussing the problems. My situation w/my ex which was more violent then his by far is actually a more civil relationship then he has w/his exwife who still pines for him (5yrs later), my divorce has been almost 7yrs.
Even at that-there were a couple weeks where he was sharing a lot about what the latest antics of his ex were, I'm glad I got to understand more what he deals with but man it put a damper on our relationship...so unless it's the ocassional vent we have chosen/decided to NOT bring the exe's dramas and issues to eachother-or rather HE has chosen not to bring his exw drama to me anymore (I really don't have that much drama anymore w/my ex). I don't know how it will be as it progresses-but the way we are-we'd probably still try to each deal w/our own kids visitation arrangements and ex interactions. I strongly believe this protects the new relationship so much. I guess I'm just baffled literally at how much interaction so many here have w/their significant others exe's??? Why do you-why does you SO expect this, why not take a step back and let THEM do all that dealing w/it and keep your relationship safe?
The less you know and deal, the less drama, bitterness, anger towards the ex you will have, the better your relationship is?
In our situation, BM has made
In our situation, BM has made false allegations against DH and gottne the police involved....so its best that we deal with her through email only. We want a paper trail in case she decides to try that again. And, I am usually the person who responds to her emails when there's a response needed. However, we rarely even communicate with her at all.
You are very wise to keep the
You are very wise to keep the dealings with your exes separate. Welcome to ST
When BM first came back into
When BM first came back into the picture, I did speak with her once in person (she tracked me down) & a couple of times on the phone. I wasn't the one who made contact, however. It was her. She would call when she knew I would be the only one home, & she would ask me things about my relationship with DH (boyfriend at the time). She would tell me things to try to upset me or to get me upset with DH. She made it no secret that she wanted him to take her back. I didn't get upset. I didn't take offense. I didn't give her the reaction she was hoping to get, so she stopped.
I felt it best to let DH be the one to communicate with her. She was nasty & rude, & for me to try to be the one trying to "handle" things with her would've made it worse. I didn't want to give her reason to feel like I was trying to take control.
Ok-so I guess you did
Ok-so I guess you did somewhat want to get involved/control the situation...did you feel you needed to, had to or which? and I guess my question is why did your h agree or expect this from you? I know the annoyance of having them call several times a day believe me-but was it your place, kwim?
Your later reaction seems to make so much more sense..as in you deal with her....crazy hours or not he shoudln't expect or WANT to get you involved w/his ex especially if it's hostile right?
I mean he wanted her off his back so he throws her on yours???
Also-I guess depending on visitaiton schedule/custody arrangements as to if the kids needed to talk to the bio-parents right?
I mean unless it's a dire emergency-when kids are visiting their dad I don't call them-they 90% of the time won't call me. It's HIS time with them-no need for me to call/bug them. My bf exwife will sometimes attempt to call when his daughter is visiting (or text) numerous times a day-he ignores-she's trying to pull crap and that's his time-no reason for her to interfere, kwim?
That's what I was saying in that-only a few times did he tell me when she was calling or texting non-stop...-I would get upset-it fueled the fire he had, and we ended up wasting our time being mad about her actions...so he chose to not say anything to me anymore, and realizes it's his problem to deal with. I have no problem w/him unloading when it's really bad and he needs an ear and support-but we found it really does negatively affect us as a couple to bring the exe's into the mix. He no longer tells me even if she does call several times-he keeps it on vibrate and kind of ignores his phone anyway.
My ex-husband even with his ex gf that they lived together for a while..he never once expected her to do HIS job with visitation arrangements/phone calls, nothing. I mean at most they would drive together to our house and a couple times we had bdays and such all together..but he still did all the dealings w/me directly. I'm grateful for that.
I guess I don't find a need to personally want to control/know/be involved in his situation...I have mine he has his...we both created our messes w/the people we married in the past-so we should be the ones to deal w/the fall out. Support and love between us is wonderful but by looking around the boards I've realized we're doing it right by not getting involved w/the others ex...I'm appalled to see some of the things a lot of you have to deal with..and I guess in some way chose to deal with-or your spouses forced you to deal with?
I deal pretty heavily with
I deal pretty heavily with the kid’s mom because we’re kinda all the other has at the moment. She’s a Russian immigrant with no friends or family on this continent and DH and I are 500 miles away from our friends and family so we’re just about it as far as a support system goes for those kids. So far it’s working out pretty well all things considered… better than anyone can believe truth be told. (knock on wood!!!) But she and DH literally hated living together… they’re both much happier apart and I think that plays a big part into this whole thing working out the way it does.
*laughs* most days she just looks at me with this “poor girl… what did you go and get yourself into?” look on her face… and while I know it’s not the “ideal” situation, it sure could be a whole lot worse.
I very rarely deal directly
I very rarely deal directly with my husband's ex-wife. The only time I do is when there is absolutely no option. For example, my husband is out of the country and I have to relay time-sensitive information. And even then, I'll either email or text.
Not my ex...Not my problem.
I definitely see a correlation between the stepmothers who communicate with their husband's ex and the drama in their relationships.
Years ago I was overly
Years ago I was overly involved-I was a custodial sm-I even kept ss while dh was in Iraq for a year. So I had LOTS of contact with bm-which eventually became a nightmare. She felt since she was the actual "parent" that she cuold dictate to me what I was supposed to do and when I was supposed to do it. Dh came home around that time and I cut off all communication with her. She does not have my cell phone number-I don't know her number. We have had minimal contact for years and that's worked well-UNTIL the last visit about a month ago-when my dh ran to walmart and I thought it would be ok with me here while bm was picking up since there had been no conflict for several years. HA! She came to the door and bitched me out because i had "put ss out like a dog" to wait 5 minutes for her. He's 12 by the way and chose to go outside. Needless, to say I learned my lesson and will go back to incommunicado and a ban from MY property