So-as I thought bf got very defensive about things I said to him. We were at odds for about a day and then cleared the air and talked it out, made up and agreed that even with all this mess right now we do want to continue together and we both love eachother too much to give up.

HOWEVER-bf is finally coming one step closer to acting on the issue of paternity. By HIS choice he's wanting to consider terminating his rights and all association possibly-he advised that even if we moved he did not want SD to visit down there or knowing his address that he would visit here if/when he wanted. The BM has continued to pull scheduling tricks this week-making him angrier, and more according to him "heartless" when it comes to SD. He knows he has to consult an attorney in regards to all of this so we know where we stand w/our state laws. Wants to keep all quiet and knock her upside the head w/the truth and filing. I dont' blame him. I guess I can realize why there would still be such animosity-I can't imagine being on the other end of a paternity fraud. YES, the truth is a child would get hurt-but if he waits, and bm or him decide to say something later it would be worse then even.

It baffles me that someone (BM) would likely knowing the 'truth' would push to get her way this much-without considering he might get fed up and seek for the truth-which would backfire on her big time.

The good part is that his "blinders" are off when it comes to step-parenting and blended issues. He realizes that the "abnormal" part of expecting smooth when a child is not your dna is extremely difficult-he's also been a little more "negative" about his role with the boys, which I assume is because of the enormous guilt and load and emotional upheavel he's feelign about losing his kid-not having a kid of his own, and then help me raise some that aren't his own. He's obviously upset and bitter about this...and still said: All I'm saying is that I love you, and even if it's not an easy or normal situation to be in this step=parent world I do want to do this with you. BUT no rosey glasses there. He knows we'll struggle finding his place w/the boys, etc. A part of me thinks-he's probably fed up dealing w/all these 'issues' of schedules, exe's when none of them are his kids even. He will send conflicting messages of "wouldn't ever chose to have kids" to "a think a kid with you that's ours would be great". And lets face it, relatedness and dna matters i know.

I explained that for me it was even harder to bond with a child that we see EOW-that has conflict w/my kids and that he can't even bond with now and he's unsure/close to 'moving forward' from....so I am just not letting that whole step situation "in" emotionally. It's complex, dirty, messy, painful. BUT the good part is that we are both now fully aware of all of this-and we can then chose what we want to do moving forward. I often wonder if he did disestablish paternity-that he might change his mind and really want his own child with me...I'm afraid that his relationship w/my boys might be affected by bias (understandably)...and I'm unsure of whether I want more kids in life. It's all so convoluted right now-but each day it's one more step closer to clarity I believe.