In what ways did Stemonster help you?
I'm currently reading this book and it's been great so far. But even though the preface/intro talks about how she worked it out and has a happy home now-the whole book has an undertone if you may----of negativity. Or maybe it's because we're reading ugly feelings of women that mimic our own and it doesn't feel good.
It's also been a relief to know the bad/ugly feelings we barely speak of exist for other women also.
I feel guilty for feeling like I do at times, and I do feel like a bad person-the monster- but I can't help it. I can't help that I don't like her, resent her, wish she weren't around, wish he would do the legitimate paternity test and then walk away entirely, wish we could move and not see her as often, wish she were different so my bf and I could plan our future...I know it's hard to blame a 10yr old for your hurt and hopelesness and anger and resentment-I realize most of it is in how the mom has raised her to be and the grandparents have coddled and even dad-NONE of the adults has healthy boundaries with the girl they should have. I can't help that I associate everything negative about our relationship to her. His moods, my moods, the sex drive plummet, the affection plummet, the inability to plan outings together as a family, the inability to know when she's going to pop in unscheduled.
I guess when his parents agree to crap-it DOES affect me also-because then he goes to get the girl-and of course she wants to come over to my place and be entertained w/the boys (or bully them whichever she's in the mood for that day)...so whatever they agree to DOES affect me, it's less time w/my bf, it's putting up w/his moods, it's having her around MY house. Or being disrespectul to me or boys and it's not my kid-it's not really even his. WTH!
I'm angry that it's a possibility we will never move forward in this relationship because of her. I said no to them coming over yesterday-told him I needed a break. I told him today I'd like to go out w/him for a bit-maybe she can stay w/his parents. My kids are old enough to stay home for a cpl hrs...I'm not about to plan an evenign dinner together. How many more excuses can I come up with for Wed/Thu?
Any suggestions, please??? I have no idea if she's staying with him this wknd or not-shit he probably doesn't know-since he never gets a say in anything it seems. Consequently I don't either.
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Overit2, I too an in a
Overit2, I too an in a relationship with someone who has kid d10 and s13. We have been together 2 1/2 yrs. Your children are fairly independent. Mine daughter is grown and on her own.
It is very difficut to be with someone who still has children at a young age. In your case it isn't even his but he has an obligation to her.
Boundaries are the key. Sounds like he will not set any for himself concering her. You will need to do it. And honestly it is the best way to go. You do not need to make excuses.
Tell him the truth. She is a handful and you think it would be best if most of the time he found something to do with her, If he is going to choose to spend this much time with her.
Your children are your priority, and her visiting has a negative affect on them, and your relationship with him. Your are exhausted when she leaves. You are not saying that you never want to be around her but that your are going to limit the time for your own childrens good, and your relationship.
I tell my BF, I am in a relationship with you. I do love your kids but they are yours. I need time with you alone. And when they go back to their mom's I am glad.
There is nothing wrong with that do not feel guilty. Your relationship will be better in the long run if you are honest. It might also make him set boundaries on his own if he is forced to entertain her by himself.
Sorry it is so hard. I do understand.
"Tell him the truth. She is a
"Tell him the truth. She is a handful and you think it would be best if most of the time he found something to do with her, If he is going to choose to spend this much time with her.
Your children are your priority, and her visiting has a negative affect on them, and your relationship with him. Your are exhausted when she leaves. You are not saying that you never want to be around her but that your are going to limit the time for your own childrens good, and your relationship.
I tell my BF, I am in a relationship with you. I do love your kids but they are yours. I need time with you alone. And when they go back to their mom's I am glad.
There is nothing wrong with that do not feel guilty. Your relationship will be better in the long run if you are honest. It might also make him set boundaries on his own if he is forced to entertain her by himself.
Sorry it is so hard. I do understand."
THANK you for understanding! And yes it's been said before-for a while there was no visits at my place at all. But I agree limits is key-as to how much time they are to be around. I won't say 'i love your kid' because I don't ha!
And yes-I'm sure she hounds him about being bored-and there is more to do at my place w/neighbor kids, stuff at the house -etc so in part HE gets to spend time with me together and the girl is hounding him about being bored while with him-and if she's at my house she's not nagging him nonstop for entertainment-but then the stress is on my and the boys.
But I feel so overwhelmed that it's not an enjoyment for me or them--that's HIS visitation, not mine. It may be different if we lived together but we don't. And see all of them make these choices to bow to the ex and her whim-a lot of it his parents-but then they know she won't be in their faces all day/night when they agree to having her because they will come over to my place. And wait a minute-I didn't agree to this! So why do I have to have her at my house raising hell and adding stress when I was never consulted? BUT that is something I need to stop HIM from doing-coming over w/her as much.
He just sent a text that he missed me-I texted back saying I did to and maybe we can meet later out for a drink tonight? In other words-she can stay w/your parents, not having her over at my house. I miss not seeing him all the time like when it's just my boys-but the stress and aggravation isn't worth it to me. Then I feel guilty because I"m sure he'd rather see and be with me alone but my kids are home 90pct of the time. They just dont' drain you like she does. They drain you as kids do normally but it's not excessive or overwhelming and they are healthy well adjusted polite kids-not a menace and nightmare to be around.
I'm still looking for the
I'm still looking for the answer as well. This is the other side of the spectrum.
I moved in w/DH and SD after we got married. She too was coddled by DH and his family because BM was a jerk. SD was rude, unfriendly, had a negative disposition and would do things to intentionally annoy me. She also played head games and was malicious.
Flash ahead 3 years. She's matured and is trying to do better but I'm still struggling with the feelings of resentment and dislike for her. A lot of the BS could have been avoided had DH set boundaries for her as she was growing up, and made his expectations clear while she lived under his roof. DH would also uphold her in her wrong doings by looking the other way or claiming that I was the one w/the issue.
He also spent a lot of time kissing her ass, and treated me like I was an outsider. At that point, I told him if he didn't get in her ass and clean up his own act, I was going to leave him. I wasn't about to be mistreated by SD and DH. At that point I went to stay w/my sister to put something on his mind. Since then he's been on the straight and narrow because it scared him to death.
So it does get better over time only if your BF or DH acknowledges and works to change the issues. At this point, I tolerate SD and still don't like her. Too much has been said and done. I'll never claim her as a daughter. Which is truly sad, because she doesn't get along w/BM either. But you have to be careful about how you treat people. I'll also accept my share of the blame for not doing everything right. I do forgive her, but I can never forget. And for the record, my SD will turn 28 in a few months and still lives at home w/us. :sick:
So for all of you who have younger SDs and think you'll be rid of them when they turn 18 or 21 . .be warned. Coddling turns them into pathetic little creatures who never learn self-reliance.
I'm not sure it really helped
I'm not sure it really helped me with too much. It did point out some practical things, like go out and do your own thing sometimes.
This site has helped the most.