As usual-I didn't feel listened to-he felt attacked
I don't know if this is just part of him being immature or not good at relationship conflict....but as I expressed my feelings to him in a VERY diplomatic and good way-and that what I was creating boundaries around was to protect our relationship.
He cannot see past my criticism of his ex-wife and situation w/his kid's scheduling as a direct attack on him. He got defensive, offered some retorts about my parenting and kids (how refreshingly original!)....in the end I didn't feel like my feelings mattered at all because he was too busy worryign about the perceived attack on him as a person.
He keeps NOT understanding that I"m reaching out to him as my parnter so he can validate me, support me and help to try find a solution together. It's an automatic-I'm making you miserable and unhappy and it's HIM that's the problem and not his inability to try and correct it.
So I"m just fed up today, i'm hurt, sad, defeated, again! I've placed my boundaries and they aren't changing. We are both wondering if we can do this step thing.
The bottom line for him is-we either love eachother so much that we make it work (in other words put up w/his ex's schedule bullshit and SD10 dictating who she wants to go to/stay with) or go our seperate ways.
So-you find the man of your dreams, you love eachother and an ex-wife and kid screw it up. I KNOW my kids aren't perfect, but there is stability and more morals and values and routine-and he doesn't pick up my ex's slack w/my kids I DO. I parent, discipline, handle homework, bedtimes, driving them around, provide financially. I'm sure there are behaviors he dislikes and so do I abotu them-but even him KNOWING they are minute in comparison -can't help but to bring it up when he feels his D is "attacked".
i don't get this man-he waffles between "this child is a mini-bm I do not like to be around and isn't even my kid" to "why do you keep calling her "ex's child" -she's my kid also and saying how much she cares for the boys and wants to just be around me and us.
BLAH BLAH_broken record from what others here have heard/seen. It's like they learn from the same manual. I want off the ride. I may love him and I KNOW when it's just us (or us and my kids) hanging out he enjoys as much as I do and stressed when she's in the mix. BUT I don't know that there's a fix to this mess with BM and SD. And I don't know that I can accept that for my future life.
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I'm in the same position as
I'm in the same position as you. I've emotionally disengaged in all aspects and am just waiting to find a good job and my own place. Like my therapist said, focus on yourself. If someone doesn't want to hear the truth, you can't make them listen. LIke everything else in life, just cut your losses and being a great mom to your kids (already sounds like you are!)! Good luck and remember who you can control: Yourself!
So-you find the man of your
So-you find the man of your dreams, you love each other and an ex-wife and kid screw it up.
I know your pain. I am so sorry.![Sad](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/sad.gif)
Mazz, you make good
Mazz, you make good points-definatley worth considering. It's just I feel the more we bow to this unscheduled time the worse it will get and it will keep adding to more and more time. And the problem is both him and I DO agree that if he had her all the time-our relationship would not survive. That's a given.
Had he had custody when she was younger and the issues she has now hadn't taken hold, it could have been different-at 11 a lot of who she is is "set in stone"-and I coudl not have that behavior around my boys all the time.
It's ALL so friggin sad...even my kids asked where bf was, and why couldn't SD come with him? She's asking him if she can come over to see us and loves what we -ahem I provide for her. And I feel like this horrible selfish ogre and bad person and at the same time I'm so stretched thin raising my own I can't take another one w/out losing my sanity. I am just BROKEN today. I'm in this daze. I'm constantly tearing up (did a lot of that yesterday also)...And YES damn PMS week is here and that doesn't help I'm sure.
I go down to get a sandwich at my work deli-and the sandwich lady who only sees me once a week at most-flat out w/the kindest tone asked me "are you ok hon? you look so sad, whats wrong" And I had to fight back tears and say "oh it'll pass, it'll be ok". She brought it up again a minute later "it's so tough to see you so sad...i hope things get better". I mean I see her -a stranger pretty much and get told this?
I'm becoming a shadow of who I was-several people are remarking on it. I'm not my happy usual perky person-the stress shows on my face-I wrack my brain trying to find ways to work through this and be happy w/ all of us together in the way I'm happy when it's just him and I. I've gained weight, I look just tired, haggard, old, I dont' have energy or desire to do anythign w/my hair-even apply makeup, I feel bad about myself. And I see ocassional pics of BM on FB (stupid I know-she has some pic profiles)...and it seems she has time to get her hair colored, cut every 6 weeks-looks polished, has lost weight, looks better then I do I think...and it was SO the opposite when him and I met.
She gets to live stress free and I pick up HER stress and child and look at me...how is that fair??? I don't like me anymore and it hurts. I feel like I did in my abusive marriage except there is no abuse with this man towards me. But the feeling of pain and being down on myself is strong.
He just sent a text saying I love you, and hope you're having an ok day. Grr....my day sucks ASS because of you're miserable past. You're shitty EX and past and nobody speaking up for themselves is ruining OUR future. I feel fourth place, after BM's crap, the SD's desires and his parents demands. I don't count, my feelings don't count-I'm expected to be the better person -the expectations are higher because I AM a better person, but I feel like I can't live up to it-and when I don't i dissapoint everyone. And funny- I know he feels the same damn way. We've hit a brick wall. He keeps telling me I'm putting way too much pressure on myself w/this "role" and wanting to fix things and ...and he's right. We aren't maried-I dont' have to put this pressure on myself, hence why I'm asking to REMOVE some of the pressure. I'm thinking of a future though-and maybe that's where he and I differ-he may just be approachign/living this day to day w/no expectations. I can't do that.
Overit..I am going to be
Overit..I am going to be brutally honest with you. I think you need to disengage and focus on raising your kids. The vibe I am getting from your blogs is that you seem to take issue with his BM and daughter A LOT. Even when there may not be an in your face issue. I think you need to relax and focus on yourself and your kids.
Don’t’ take offense please, I was where you are at and we sound a lot alike. You are trying to fix things. I assume you are probably controlling and this is eating away at you. You can’t control this step hell. (ps…I know I am controlling) I was the same way as you, until, I figured that I would focus on me and him, if he could not come hang with me and the kids, because BM threw SS at him, oh well, me and the kids had our own blast. We lived that way for 9ish years. It was great.
Don’t get me wrong, being married is great now also, but we would have divorced if my kids would have been exposed to SS very much back then.
A little advice…he can say anything HE wants about HIS kid… but you can’t. lol. That is just the law of nature. Lol Good luck and you need to try and relax. ((( hugs )))
Spin doctor LOL-first thing
Spin doctor LOL-first thing to make me chuckle today
THanks!
Ladies, thanks so much for your support and words. I haven't felt this shaken in a while and I can tell that you all really know and have felt the same way
And you're right I need to take a time out for myself and do what makes me happy...and not worry about pleasing everyone else or what they think or expect.
It's so hard to not resent the constant "invasions"...when asides from those visits your life is grand. I really do need to take care of myself, my soul, my happiness and let everything else go and let everyone else deal-it is not my mess or responsibility.
Girls night, stuff with just myself and my kids, some pamper time and introspection into what I want moving forward.
INDEED!!!! Thank you very
INDEED!!!! Thank you very much! I wish we had more fun emoticons on the site. You know...like people being strangled and such LOL-GOD whats wrong with me!
Indeed! I guess that besides
Indeed! I guess that besides her misbehavior and lack of morals...which makes it hard to like her...there's the fact that she likely is not bf's daughter....and the fact that every single argument or stressor in our lives revolves around the sd-NOT my boys. Of course as a parent you dont' want to see that. But it makes it hard for me to want to see her face and be cordial or want her around. Even if i'm angrier at BM-it's because of SD that all is a mess so it's not easy for me not to make her the source and target of all this mess and resent the hell out of the kids mere existence. I fight it-but that's reality. What evil person am I to pin all my resentment and anger on an 11yr old? I don't know-I can't help it. Anyways-on to better things-hopefully there will be some peace this weekend and I can get back to myself and have fun with MY OWN children instead of spending mental energy on another womans spawn.
Men tend to get pretty
Men tend to get pretty defensive when you say things about their ex or their kids. It's always a double standard. They can complain but you can't.
But, there are a few reasons why this is. They feel guilty, but don't want to admit they are in the wrong so they deflect. (as was mentioned) They have not really moved on with the ex and still have an emotional attachment so they don't like people saying bad things about them. Or there's the fact that no matter how crappy they are, they CHOSE that ex at one point. And the child is part of them. Saying something about the ex or the child, is like saying something about THEM, which makes them defensive.
I don't know what fantasy world your DH is living in, but love is NOT enough. And even if it were, is it because he loves you so much that he continues to cause you pain? The fact that he would throw it out there as an option, the suggestion of going your own ways because he's unwilling to try and make the situation better and reduce some of this unhappyness would make a person think that perhaps the strength of love is a little one sided. Sometimes, they have to lose you to know what they had. I really hope for you sake that you guys isn't one of those.
Your partner should be an inspiration to you. And, you should feel like you can grow while you are with them. All of this negativity is damaging not just to your relationship but also to your personal growth.
That said, maybe you can "schedule" a time to talk. Instead of talking when something happens specifically that upsets everybody, talk when nobody is particularily upset about anything. It might help you both to be more objective. And, of course! don't talk at all if you are near your time of the month! You're just going to be more sensitive and more likely for things to really blow up. I actually make a point to keep track just so i know if i'm getting all upset about something with his ex i can look on the calendar and say yep... it's about that time, no wonder these things are bothering me more than usual.
Can you write him a letter or something maybe? Guys communicate differently, and a letter would let you read over what you put down, get feedback and so forth before you actually give it to him. it lets him read it on his own time, without you around so there's no defense mechanism to activate. Emphasize what is good in the relationship, what is difficult, and why these things are so difficult and that you are not trying to criticize, but just trying to recognize the problem and fix it.
My guy tends to be able to talk for short spurts where he actually pays attention. After say, 15 minutes he starts shutting down and getting all sad or defensive or whatever. So, i send him emails instead and articles. It seems to help if the critisizm is coming from an article talking about divorce, or children, or custody stuff, instead of directly from me. (yes, i've sent him articles about defining healthy boundaries!) They were much more effective than when i talked to him directly. Although i still do the short talks, as a reminder that i am not ok and he should go read those emails and articles.
The more i stick to this method, the more he comes home and tells me how he appreciates how understanding i am to the whole situation. the more he tries to fix it. (instead of just getting overload between me and ex, and being totally stressed out and incapable of handling anything at all) The point though, is that i have begun to figure out a communication style that works better than what i was originally trying. (most men hate the "lets talk" stuff anyways)
I know exactly how you feel.
I know exactly how you feel. EXACTLY. There are times when my husband will tell me that I've helped make him a better parent, and then there are times where I am wrong, no matter what, and all I do is criticize his situation. There are even times when I tell him that I feel so low on the totem pole because he gives in to SD11 every demand. He gets SO angry and I am the one at fault. It's pathetic. I compltely agree with you- remove yourself from it. Find something for yourself. And hopefully he will come around and realize that this is hurting your relationship.