Getting the bad leftovers and hypocritical pity parties.
Maybe it's the full moon-maybe it's reading all these stories, maybe I can finally put some words to what I've been feeling.
See, when bf married his ex it's because she was knocked up-they were very young. But even though I'm sure he had his immature moments and wasn't mr. perfect-he still gave it his all. He was working two jobs at the time, and trying his best-raising his daughter pretty much-paying for his ex to go to school, his family kicked into help all the time w/the girl because mom who didn't work would still drop her kid off with them-and for a while would do the extended daycare after pre-k (3-6pm) even though she was already home way before that...in other words-she was a crappy parent.
My bf was involved, supportive, and for a young guy did quite well-they bought a house, he had a boat, motorcycle, four wheelers for all of them, they vacationed, etc etc...then things go sour and he feels hes' the only one pulling the load-she gets crazier, they split. LUCKILY he got out of that mess because as it is he deals w/crap all the time had he stayed he would be a shell of a person and we would have never met.
BUT THEN-take our relationship-I KNOW I"m a better person by leaps and bounds-I work full time-I give him my all, I'm at a good place w/a stable job-have my house now but took a while to get here-no more craziness with my ex really too bad, i've healed emotionally from the scars of a very abusive marriage right...
And there's my bf -who is my best friend, lover, we laugh, talk, play, get along-we love being together...cooking, cleaning, going out, just always every day want to be next to eachother-it's like we fit like a glove in every aspect. BUT- because of all the crap he's dealt day in day out w/his ex, the skid, and him still working through stuff I get the BAD leftovers.
He's amazing with me, yes-but still his finances are shot-his bsns is slow right now-so in essense no way to move fwd in the relationship at this point until that improves (which he's going back to school so it's coming)-and though his depression is better it's still there, so I who am the better woman for him gets him at his worse place....when SHE who was a bitch to him got his all and him at his prime when things were well for him-before all the emotional scars and the crazy dealings w/his past.
She didn't have an ex pyscho or bully skid to deal with, or his finances being shot, or his depression, or his sometimes venting to much to me about how crappy things are w/the ex, or getting angry because he doesn't know the true paternity, or hearing how his parents give negative feedback about the bm and skid all the time-all this stuff that makes it a downer even though we try so hard to move past it and we don't dwell-it's there in the background-like white noise. While we try to live our lives.
I KNOW this makes me hypocritical-because I have a past as well-I have "bagagge" also-we can't change that we were married to who we were and had kids with them...but sometimes it makes me so angry and I feel it's so unfair that he reproduced and married this sick psycho and now his life was destroyed and I get to pick up the pieces and try to have a life w/the man I love whom I KNOW has SO much to give and he's amazing...but damn it-it's like in a way she's ruined him...he's scared because of it now- and it doesn't make sense to me that I feel this way-that I'm mad or jealous or angry that SHE got to have that with him and threw it away-and here we are struggling to stay above the drama/financial issues and keep moving fwd...I deserved to be with him from the start and him at his best-I wish we would have had kids together and our first marriage together-I never deserved abuse from my exh-
I know it's the past-I love my kids and wouldn't change anything in life -I just wish I could have had all that from the getgo with him-instead of two almost broken souls trying to connect now with so much hurt and drama in our lives...his more then mine by far.
Then again would we even appreciate eachother as much as we do now? I think we TRY and WANT IT so we give eachother are all and we cherish our relationship, time together and our love...had we not had that past pain maybe we wouldn't treat eachother so well.
Just having a pity party I guess...don't know because it doesn't even makes sense that I feel this way, but somehow I do=and I'm angry about it today!
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Your post could have been
Your post could have been written by me - yours and dh's experiences sound so much like mine and my dh. I know exactly what you mean - it's so unfair that dh's abusive bm had the best of him and now I'm left with a wonderful man who I love dearly, but who has physical health problems, a crippling social phobia which means he doesn't work, depression and full time custody of 3 very clingy, demanding, irritating kids. I also desperately wanted a child with dh and we've tried to conceive, but we're in our forties so not much chance of it happening now. Until meeting my dh at 40, the only experiences I'd had with men were abusive ones, and the only good thing to come out of it was my bd18, who I had with my bullying ex husband. I've worked really hard to come to terms with my past and while I'll always be scarred, I'm fairly happy with where I am now. I cannot help compare his life with her to his life with me, though, and I'm sure you do the same. I envy the time they had together to have fun before the kids came along, I envy the fact that he was fit and strong when he was younger so she enjoyed him at his physical best, I envy the fact he's been through 3 pregnancies and births with her and not even one with me, I envy the fact that he went out to work to provide for the family, while I'm the one that works while he stays at home (don't get me wrong, I love my job but resent the fact he doesn't contribute). His ex was stupid with money and got herself into loads of debt. Stupid, gullible dh took out loans and credit cards to cover her debts and got himself into trouble. I went to university to try and better myself and got into debt as I just couldn't meet my living expenses on student finance but did he help me? No of course he didn't, because he's still paying bm's debts off six years after they split just because of her reckless spending, buying pointless, expensive stuff they didn't need while I was trying to get an education and improve my prospects. I never finished my course as I had to leave and get a job, and that does make me very resentful sometimes. It feels like I'll always live in the shadow of his former life, and I hate it. I know I have a daughter of my own, but she's grown up, independent and doing really well in her own place, and I don't have anything to do with my ex as bd chose not to have any contact so he's been out of our lives completely for the last 5 years. My youngest ss is only 7 so will be around for years yet, meaning bm will have to remain in our lives till he grows up. I really resent dh sometimes for having kids so late in life - he's 46 and most people at that age have teens or grown up kids, even grandkids, but no he had to be different and the prospect of so many more years of my life having to revolve around someone else's kids isn't a happy thought.
Anyway, I'm ranting now but just wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling the way you do.
Ladies, I feel the same way.
Ladies, I feel the same way. DH and I crossed paths several times, once before either of us was married. We didn't even talk but we noticed each other. BM had him for 20 plus years and was busy using him up and treating him like s***. He literally was mom and dad to those kids from birth and did everything for her. When I met him, he was depressed and almost suicidal. If he'd stayed with her, he'd be dead.
I admit it, I am jealous sometimes of their wedding (big, DH planned and paid for it), pregnancies (he wanted them more than her), her having the *hot* young rocker he was then (still hot now but damn), and of course the acceptance by family that I only got after much BS from his sisters. We are perfect together, friends, lovers, partners...better late than never, right? Like you all I had were bad relationships until I finally got my prince for good.
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