I'm in the same position as you. I've emotionally disengaged in all aspects and am just waiting to find a good job and my own place. Like my therapist said, focus on yourself. If someone doesn't want to hear the truth, you can't make them listen. LIke everything else in life, just cut your losses and being a great mom to your kids (already sounds like you are!)! Good luck and remember who you can control: Yourself!

So-you find the man of your dreams, you love each other and an ex-wife and kid screw it up.

I know your pain. I am so sorry.

Overit..I am going to be brutally honest with you. I think you need to disengage and focus on raising your kids. The vibe I am getting from your blogs is that you seem to take issue with his BM and daughter A LOT. Even when there may not be an in your face issue. I think you need to relax and focus on yourself and your kids.

Don’t’ take offense please, I was where you are at and we sound a lot alike. You are trying to fix things. I assume you are probably controlling and this is eating away at you. You can’t control this step hell. (ps…I know I am controlling) I was the same way as you, until, I figured that I would focus on me and him, if he could not come hang with me and the kids, because BM threw SS at him, oh well, me and the kids had our own blast. We lived that way for 9ish years. It was great.

Don’t get me wrong, being married is great now also, but we would have divorced if my kids would have been exposed to SS very much back then.

A little advice…he can say anything HE wants about HIS kid… but you can’t. lol. That is just the law of nature. Lol Good luck and you need to try and relax. ((( hugs )))

Men tend to get pretty defensive when you say things about their ex or their kids. It's always a double standard. They can complain but you can't.

But, there are a few reasons why this is. They feel guilty, but don't want to admit they are in the wrong so they deflect. (as was mentioned) They have not really moved on with the ex and still have an emotional attachment so they don't like people saying bad things about them. Or there's the fact that no matter how crappy they are, they CHOSE that ex at one point. And the child is part of them. Saying something about the ex or the child, is like saying something about THEM, which makes them defensive.

I don't know what fantasy world your DH is living in, but love is NOT enough. And even if it were, is it because he loves you so much that he continues to cause you pain? The fact that he would throw it out there as an option, the suggestion of going your own ways because he's unwilling to try and make the situation better and reduce some of this unhappyness would make a person think that perhaps the strength of love is a little one sided. Sometimes, they have to lose you to know what they had. I really hope for you sake that you guys isn't one of those.

Your partner should be an inspiration to you. And, you should feel like you can grow while you are with them. All of this negativity is damaging not just to your relationship but also to your personal growth.

That said, maybe you can "schedule" a time to talk. Instead of talking when something happens specifically that upsets everybody, talk when nobody is particularily upset about anything. It might help you both to be more objective. And, of course! don't talk at all if you are near your time of the month! You're just going to be more sensitive and more likely for things to really blow up. I actually make a point to keep track just so i know if i'm getting all upset about something with his ex i can look on the calendar and say yep... it's about that time, no wonder these things are bothering me more than usual.

Can you write him a letter or something maybe? Guys communicate differently, and a letter would let you read over what you put down, get feedback and so forth before you actually give it to him. it lets him read it on his own time, without you around so there's no defense mechanism to activate. Emphasize what is good in the relationship, what is difficult, and why these things are so difficult and that you are not trying to criticize, but just trying to recognize the problem and fix it.

My guy tends to be able to talk for short spurts where he actually pays attention. After say, 15 minutes he starts shutting down and getting all sad or defensive or whatever. So, i send him emails instead and articles. It seems to help if the critisizm is coming from an article talking about divorce, or children, or custody stuff, instead of directly from me. (yes, i've sent him articles about defining healthy boundaries!) They were much more effective than when i talked to him directly. Although i still do the short talks, as a reminder that i am not ok and he should go read those emails and articles.

The more i stick to this method, the more he comes home and tells me how he appreciates how understanding i am to the whole situation. the more he tries to fix it. (instead of just getting overload between me and ex, and being totally stressed out and incapable of handling anything at all) The point though, is that i have begun to figure out a communication style that works better than what i was originally trying. (most men hate the "lets talk" stuff anyways)

I know exactly how you feel. EXACTLY. There are times when my husband will tell me that I've helped make him a better parent, and then there are times where I am wrong, no matter what, and all I do is criticize his situation. There are even times when I tell him that I feel so low on the totem pole because he gives in to SD11 every demand. He gets SO angry and I am the one at fault. It's pathetic. I compltely agree with you- remove yourself from it. Find something for yourself. And hopefully he will come around and realize that this is hurting your relationship.