Why does the PAS bother me more than him?
My husband has been taking his kids (my skids) to play b-ball at the local Y. He has been doing this for about two weeks. He has even taken the BM's nephew since he is living with them now since her mom has passed and the teen's mom lives in another state. Anyway - the skids have gone to play ball and have fun. All of a sudden it has stopped for about a week. I didn't know why. My Hubby said they are probably tired or something.
Well I have to pick ss up from school. His moms friend was suppose to this - but couldn't yesterday or today. Since I get off work around same time as school gets out - I agreed to pick him up - I didn't want him to be stranded and haven't seen him in over a week and a half if not longer!
When my hubby and I drop ss off at BM's house later - we discover she has purchased a new Basketball goal. No wonder they haven't called daddy! When I mentioned something about it to my hubby - he got mad and sad - why do you worry about it so much? I couldn't help but think she bought it so they wouldn't want to see their daddy. They could play ball with her future Husband.
I had to pick SS up today, also. I drop him off and he says his mom didn't work today because she has something wrong with her eye. He said the DR wouldn't give her any medicine for the pain because he wanted her experience the pain and know how serious it was. (I have no idea what it could be but got a chuckle out of it - I'm so bad!) My thought was - since she is at home - why could she not p/u her own child! She can text me about anything else she wants me to do for him - why could she not say - I'm off work don't have to worry about p/u child?
Well, I called my hubby to discuss it with him. He says - why do you worry about her.I mean I get tired of you talking about her. I don't care about her. However - he talks about her more than I do. I told him - I'm not worried about her - I'm worried about myself getting run over and not appreciating it - then hung up the phone. - Childish - yes - satisfying - you bet 'ya!
Oh and SS hasn't come over to see his dad for weeks. SS wanted to know where the fee list for his school was (it came to our house instead of him moms). I gave it to him. My Hubby says - did you give him some money too? I quickly replied - no him mom needs to look at it - she knows better about what needs to be paid. My gosh - she does get cs and just received a $10,000 inheritance from her mom! (Not to mention we are stuck with a but load of debt where she didn't pay for things that were in her my hubby's name when they were married).
My husband wanted to get something for his ss (not my child) for his b-day. So he requests I go out and buy him $25 present and a card. I purchase it. Then my hubby has the nerve to request me to put $20 extra in the card. I told him no that he is lucky he received that. I'm tired of they way they treat him. Only wanting to spend time with him when they want something. The didn't even spend time with him on Father's day or buy him a card or anything. Their mom decides to take them to the beach (the same beach we are at for Father's DAy so he can spend time with kids at a special place). They couldn't meet him or anything for Father's Day. I refused to give in to the extra. My husband says - gosh you are so mean.
So why does her PAS behaviors upset me more than they do him?
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Well, some possible reasons:
1) You're a "new pair of eyes" so you see things he didn't, and they aren't pretty.
2) He was hoping when his relationship with BM ended that that would be the end of a woman breaking his b***s, and he sees your calling attention to it as YOU breaking his b***s.
3) You view his decision to ignore this kind of thing as his refusal to stick up for YOU and respect YOU -- and he doesn't get that.
4) When you bring something like this to his attention, he sees YOU as the squeaky wheel and not the BM. Therefore -- SHE's not the problem, YOU are.
5) He's so used to all this stuff that he's got Stockholm Syndrome.
6) You view his inability/refusal to do anything as a reflection on HIM, even more than on the BM -- and that bugs you because you want to respect him and this is making it hard for you to do so.
Perhaps it's a combo of all these things. But I definitely think that for your sanity, the best route to take is to try to calmly explain #6 (and #6, if you think that's part of it). I think a lot of times, these guys just think it's better to just leave well enough alone with the BM, because they think the situation isn't really hurting anyone. They don't think about the fact that; 1) it's hurting YOU; 2) it's creating stepchildren who are entitled brats; 3) it is causing you to lose respect for your man; etc.
What do you think? Is any of this hitting home?
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
He is just in denial
H. at first tried to say, it wasn't happening to us, then that it didn't matter. The first time he acknowledged there was a real problem was when I heard about PAS from reading Divorce Poison and read to him from it.
To hear that others had experienced it too somehow shook him out of 'no, their situation is special and unique to only their divorced family'.
I think men often try to ignore something if they don't want it to be true. Like after you have a fight, maybe he acts like nothing happened, because he doesn't want anything to come between you.
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2Thanks so true
Thanks for the advice. It call makes since I'm so glad I'm not the only one going through this... it's nice to have such a wonderful support group that actually tells you like it is...
Thanks!