Am I being too Jealous
My fiance (we are due to get married at the end of the month) is too nice to his ex-wife. He lets her control when the children come over. He agreed with whatever was in the divorce papers. She was suppose to get the house and the automobile with the smallest and shortest payoff. She didn't pay on the house or the car. The car was repoed and the house was about to go into foreclosure last year (she was over 4 months behind). We stepped in and have been trying to get the house caught up. He has not held her responsible for any of the back payment. We didn't want it to ruin his credit since he was on the mortgage, too. She was suppose to get his name off of the loan but never did. In the verbal agreement that we would take over the house to avoid faulty credit - she agreed not to make him pay child support for 3 months. As soon as we moved in - she was demanding the child support (which is verbal & in the divorce docs - the court does not take from his check). He pays half of the child's sport, and buy him clothes and other necessities.
Not only could she not pay for the house - she moved to another house just a few months ago - where the rent is even higher than the original house payment she was responsible for!
Whenever she wants something he just does it, with no questions. Her mother recently died and she now wants a copy of their divorce agreement to show that she has changed to her maiden name and is the executive of her mom's estate. She said her copy was boxed up and she couldn't find it. My gut reaction is to tell her to go to the courthouse. He wants me to make a copy and take them to her house!
Maybe I'm overeacting. It is good that they can talk, but I feel like he should not go out of his way to make anything "easier" on her - especially when it has nothing to do with their child.
What do you think?
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Oh Justme2!
Honey - it's a long hard road you have ahead of you. He feels guilty about the divorce so he's doing whatever he can to make it "easier". Did he leave his wife?
The problem is, she will probably NEVER be satisfied. My DH did the same thing for BM and she was never satisfied, and still never is.
If you can, tread lightly here, but also try to get DH to understand that he is not really helping this situation. He may think he is, but he isn't. He's hurting it. He's making it harder for her to realize that he will not always be this easygoing. Eventually, she is going to ask for something - I don't know what, but something - that will make him buck. And by then, it could be too late. He'll be frustrated and angry.
I've posted about this. I'm going to try and find it and send you the link.
Justme2
here you go... it's about not wanting to do things so that BM doesn't take it out on SD.... it just happens...
http://www.steptalk.org/node/12292
I had to break my DH of the habit. You can too, but it's my personal opinion that you won't change his behavior if you do any of the following....
1. Get angry with him
2. Make comparisons to him between how he treats his ex and how he treats you
3. Make him feel guilty toward you now because of his behavior
I think the best thing to do, is somehow try to get him to realize that what he's doing doesn't help HIM and doesn't help HIS CHILD. And that's where your interests lie. I believe if he thinks that you are angry with him because of the effect it has on you, doesn't help. Does that make sense?
Are you sure you want to get involved in this?
My DH is the same. He is always protecting the skids from their own mother. If he doesn't do exactly what she says, she takes it out on the kids. I am sorry to tell you this, but you are in for a hard road. If I had known, I would have run for the door.
I met DH when skids were 14 and 16. they treat him like dirt. BM rules roost. All three of the (BM and 2 skids) ganged up on me when we got married. She didn't want to lose her free ride and got the kids to come over and harrass me. She got in my face. It was awful.
DH did stand up to her but he broke a long standing pattern (15 years) of sucking up to BM. Skids think it is his job. BM never gives up. It's been 2 hard years and we've turned a corner but it took it's toll on me. Don't expect a lot of support from people who don't understand (in laws, friends.) Everyone thinks if you are nice, all will work out fine. I raged and changed everything thing around. Have civil relationship with the skids. But they feel entitled. Always come over with their hands out for money.
If you don't have kids, I would run for the door.
The bottom line is, you are his wife and he needs to put you first.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
LOL
Ok as for me I would have to tell her to go to the courthouse to get a copy sorry. But I am normally mean too lol. Though something seems a tiny bit odd to me, she needs proof she changed her name on the divorce so she can prove the estate stuff......one question who does she need to show proof to? Normally to probate a will the COURT needs the proof...couldn't she just go a few doors down get the paper, then hop back over?? Or maybe she needed it for the estate lawyer? not sure oh well i would be an azz and tell her to take her lazy azz to get it. sorry i always sound so mean lol.
I would tell him no. If he
I would tell him no. If he wants to do her a special favor than he can do it himself.
Ohhhhh HONEY
I've only been in this step parent spot for three years.
we just had a fight 2 weeks ago about this VERY SAME SUBJECT.
the fight lasted 2 weeks, I was sooooo pissed I didn't talk to him the whole time. He thinks i'm trying to control,or be incharge, he actually used the word "jealous" I almost packed my bags.
I told him it's about rules, and boundries, and sticking to them. I can't explane how I felt I just know that I have NEVER EVER been that pissed and hurt by him before,and deep down I know, he knew he pushed me to my limits, he disrespected me, he hurt me, and he knows that this will be the last conversation about how he needs to handle HIS EX.
He told me that I need to be with someone that doesn't have baggage, I told him I need to be with someone that can "control" his baggage, PLEASE, really think about this before you marry him,had I knowen then what I know now, I might have waited, I'm not saying I wouldn't of married him, I would of just waited, there were signs before we got married
It just got worse after we were married. as far as ME doing something for HER It would be a cold day in hell before I will ever do anything for her. NO FRICKEN WAY
No way
She can get her own papers!!!!!
"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912
No. Jealousy is totally different than having self-respect.
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Jealousy implies being worried about losing something that is yours to someone else.
The thing with being a second wife, being a smom, is it's a cruel little word to demean us when we stand up and say we want demand to be respect.
IMHO, expecting to be given respect, and not tolerating being run over, has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with jealousy.
I'd put my foot down,
I'd put my foot down, gently. That's why I did myself with DH. She used to call at all hours, different times of the day for stuff that had nothing to do with SS. She was just used to relying on him to do everything. And DH being the nice guy (too nice), he'd help her out so she had no reason to learn to handle her own affairs. I've since put a stop to a that. I mean, she's the type who is just in my opinion lazy and used to getting people to do things for her. Whereas, I'm the type to tackle problems head on, figure things out, get educated on something if need be. I pride my independence. Plus, she's quite a bit older than me so I figured, she needed to learn to handle her own affairs and stop relying on my DH.