Will she grace us with her presence and WHY DO WE CARE?
Quick recap: Since May 2008, SD15 has ended all EOW visitation of her own choice to avoid any discussion about failing the 9th grade. In the last 7 months, she has come to MIL birthday dinner and Christmas, both events maximum of 2 hours each. She's had one lunch with BF. So 7 months, 6 hours of time with SD15. Not that I'm complaining, if I never see SD15 again that is just fine by me. However, BF, MIL and FIL are hurt each time she fails to show to an event and I have to deal with the will she/or won't she drama of the whole thing. SD is the ONLY grandchild so that makes it all so much more fun/drama filled.
So what is worrying me….BF's birthday is coming up this weekend. BF isn't the big celebration type, but MIL has been calling me to set up a family party for him. Ok whatever, if BF won't tell his mom he doesn't want a party, I'm not going to hurt her feeling by saying so. Party it is.
What is bugging me is that I'm sure BF's birthday will be yet ANOTHER event where the whole thing hinges on whether SD15 will grace us with her presence.
Side Tangent: Way back in the beginning when I naively thought SD and I were going to have a great relationship (something like her favorite aunt) I used to try and help her plan for b-days, father's day, and Christmas. Taking her to buy presents or encouraging her to make cards. About the time she turned 12 , I asked if she wanted to go with me to quickly buy a father's day card for BF and FIL . Answer no. Did she want to make them a card? Answer no. We don't usually have SD on father's day, so it always brightens BF and FIL holiday when I produce cards from SD. I was shocked that she was actually refusing to do anything for father's day, so I stopped from that moment forward ensuring that BF/MIL/FIL had gifts or cards from SD. I wasn't going to pretend for her if she didn't care enough. The last several father's days have been heart breaking. SD has NEVER called to wish her dad a happy father's day, if MIL didn't some how invite her to the b-day party… SD won't call on that event either. She's never given her dad a gift on any occasion (homemade or store bought) that I didn't provide for her and no gifts after I stopped providing them.
Back to the present: BF won't be calling SD about his b-day because he doesn't like to make a big deal about b-days. MIL is another story. Since I know she wants to have a party, I'm sure she will call and email SD about it. However, I fully expect SD to not return any calls or email about whether or not she will attend. MIL will then start to stress and want to delay the party just in case SD decides to GRACE US WITH HER PRESENCE. UGH! There is no excuse for SD not knowing it is BF's birthday this weekend, so my feeling is if she doesn't call and wish him a happy b-day and inquire about any b-day plans, then too bad she's not invited. She is the one that has chosen to remove us from her life. She is 15 nearly 16 and perfectly capable of figuring this stuff out. I'm not going out of my way for a kid who doesn't really care about anyone but herself.
And in being totally honest about why I'm already stressing about an event that may or may not be ruined by SD and is a full week away... I love birthday parties and I love spoiling BF. BF grew up very poor and then struggled through college, through SD's arrival, ect. When we first met he shopped at thrift stores not to be trendy, but out of necessity. So I really enjoy going a bit over board with presents. This year he's getting a kindle (see Amazon) that I know he really wants because he has been checking out the reviews on-line endlessly. I think all of my planning and my excitement in the surprise gift is going to be totally overshadowed and ruined by the drama of whether SD will or won't show up. It will just be BF, MIL, FIL with their feeling hurt SIL and BIL wondering what is going on (because they aren't in the loop on the fallout in May) and me pissed that "we" let a 15 yr. old girl spoil an otherwise fun event.
Oh and a whole week of me stressing about it, but being able to articulate to anyone but ST why I'm stressed!
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Thats really sad.
I read so much of this. My own DH has problems with SD19 not wanting anything to do with him. It sounds like PAS to me.....check it out and then (if it's not to late) try some things to combat it.
I agree with sia
but I also think you SDstb16 is acting like a spoiled rotten little bitch and is showing that she doesn't give a crap about her dad. At that age she should be able to realize right from wrong. But also at 16, especially girls, are so self-centered and all they care about is hanging out with their friends and boys. They don't want to hang out with family much. If she does not show up for your DH's b-day I hope this is an eye opener for him to just let it go. I discussed this with my H when SD16 didn't talk to him for almost 2 mths and I said you can either drive yourself and me crazy and we can fight and break up because you are upset about your disrespectful kid or you can take it with a grain of salt and just wait and see til she comes around - which in our case did but she acted like nothing happened. As a matter of fact my FH flew out to her state this weekend and even though she was happy to see him she only graced him with a few hours of her time, a dinner, and daddy please drop me and my friends off cuz she was just too busy to worry about him - she wanted to just hang with her friends.
The do still SHOWER her with presents
However, SD blew off MIL after x-mas white elephant exchange and it REALLY hurt MIL. I think a few more espisodes and SD might get a lump of coal next year. BF doesn't like to open up with friends or family about SD and her behavior (see Liar, Liar post), but we did have to fill in MIL/FIL after the grade failing thing because MIL/FIL were going to take SD on a big 9th grade graduation trip (that I thought was stupid....graduating from the 9th grade...big deal) anyway because she flunked all her classes and clearly did not graduate the 9th grade we felt the trip needed to be canceled. So MIL/FIL were brought into the loop on SD's behavior which resulted in trip cancellation and nasty emails from BM to MIL.
You are right I need to stop worrying about things I can't control.... but it silently eats at me and I think why am I so uptight, why was I so short with this person and it always come back to the fact that I'm worrying about this stupid party over which I have NO CONTROL.
Call her on her disrespectful behavior
Do MIL or FIL have a relationship with this child? A preemptive call to SD15 to determine if she is interested in participating and advising her this is how we support each other as a family could be a good way to go. I would guess that BF doesn't like his bday because there is all this hype about a special day which is squashed when SD15 doesn't show up. He would rather not set himself up for disappointment. Perhaps plan something she would be totally uninterested in doing, that way there is an alternative reason why she didn't come.
I did have a chat with MIL about this
after the to-do with SD at her birthday party and she was going to talk with SD about her behavior. Unfortunately, just because I've reached the end of my patience with her antics, it doesn't mean her grandparents have. They have been shielded about her true behavior for years, but I think they are starting to get the picture a bit more after the goings-on over the last year. I think it will just take a bit longer for MIL to really see SD for who she is and then we can all move on.
Because we are all decent people who want what is best .....
for the kids, the bios, and everyone else for that matter.
Unfortunately too many of the opposition in blended families are to petty to see it.
And since we are human, it eventually pisses us off enough that we go in to self preservation mode and pretty much cease to give a crap about the idiots.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
Stop stressing and relax...
I know that is much easier said than done. Weather you start stressing about this now or in a weeks time or not at all isn't going to change the outcome.
Plan this party and enjoy spoiling your man rooten on his birthday. You just concenstrate on doing your part and just try and let nature take it's course. SD doesn't deserve the attention that she is getting so don't you give her that satisfaction of stressing over her.
Unfortunately I have been
Unfortunately I have been there, done that, own the friggen t-shirt.
The BM induced PAS on my two spoiled rotten entitled step daughters (who refused to visit) and my (parent by guilt) dh spent about the week or so before every fathers day, birthday and christmas for the last 5 YEARS stressing whether the angels would acknowledge him with a phone call. MIL would jump on the bandwagon and annoying ask almost hourly is the girls had contacted him yet!! So they would whine to each other the injustice of it all. Bla!! So it wouldnt matter how great our plans were or how much dh got spoiled by everyone - he would just sulk and moan about his precious darlings And the whole day would have this dark cloud hanging over it. Very unfair to the rest of the kids! And IF by chance the girls decided to grace him with a text, email or call he was in seventh heaven! So whether everyone had a great day or not depending on the girls! Talk about huge resentment.
Anyways... this last year due to other circumstances we celebrated Christmas a day early and it was the best Christmas ever! Why? Because DH wasnt stressed about hearing from the little darlings that day!! I think we are going to celebrate everything a day early for now on!!!! Its only thing that has countered it.
Im so sorry ... I completely understand. It SUCKS.
Me too
The past 2 years we have had several periods of estrangment from SD17 who lives with her mom far away (h. felt forced to move because of BM continuing harassment). Every time it is Christmas, his birthday or Fathers Day, SD blows DH off, not even calling or breaking on her asinine(sp?) refusal to acknowledge him in any way. But then she calls him the next day! so what is the point, to me that proves she knows the significance of those days, and can't handle the guilt of hurting him but still manages to hurt him, on purpose!
DH is being 'brainwashed' by me to notice this now, and also the discrepancies in the SD/BM's 'stories' to where he is now at least stopped denying that they flat out lie to his face, including SD, and that she is knowingly doing this on purpose to hurt him. He is opening his eyes to the facts, even though it hurts. (but I still have to suffer his setbacks some too, where she is perfect). I take no joy in doing this to him, but he needs to recognize where he actually stands, in real life with them.
Another 'call jump start' is when we miss giving her a gift for some occasion, ex. Christmas. This year she got zero. That is my new 'putting my money where my mouth is' policy, that blowing people off can go both ways.
For anyone who wants to say this is a child (dh? ha ha), at her age dh joined the military to serve his country and did. So to me there is no excuse for her 'not knowing any better'. At least now we expect to be blown off and thanks to me filling in, DH manages to have a little happiness on his special days.
Another 'stick the knife in further' device SD has done, is to call ME on Mothers Day, to 'thank me'. At least she doesn't have the guts to do that any more as it was a completely false sentiment that I recognized as such.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Grandparents & Rose-colored glasses
So many of us have posted on these baords about how difficult it is for the (mostly) men in our lives to take off the rose-colored glasses and finally see their "Perfect" children in REALITY.
Warts, imperfections, flaws, and all.
And most of the time, even when the men in their lives live with them 50-100% of the time, they just cannot do it...the pain, the realization that their "precious babies" are not perfect, it is just too much for them.
Well, lookout! Because GRANDPARENTS have you beat in a lot of these cases.
Sometimes it's just blissful ignornace of not seeing the child for long periods of time...
Sometimes it's just imagining the child as a perfect, adorable, perpetual 4-yr-old angel who would never give their mommy or daddy ANY trouble and is "Grandma's Little Angel"!
And sometimes, it's just "head-in-the-sand-not-MY-KID's-KID" ignorance.
But whatever the root cause, it's all bad when Grandma or Grandpa thinks that their child's "Little Angel" is the best thing since sliced bread. And even worse, when the parent TRIES to let then know that maybe things aren't going so well with little Johnnie or Susie and the PARENT becomes the BAD GUY!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
It is sad and it can go both ways.
In my SS-16's case, his BioDad nor any part of that side of his family calls on his B-Day, Christmas or to just say hello and check in.
They have trained him to not call them either. I can can count on less than two full hands how many times they have called specifically to talk with my SS. They may ask to speak to him after the travel arrangements are made when they call to set up visitation but they have frequently hung up after those calls without asking to speak to him.
He, his Mom and I have always made it a point to stay in contact when one or another or us is away. If I am out of town on business I call every evening to check in, find out how every one's day went and to let everyone know that I miss them. My Wife does the same when she is away on a business or personal trip dealing with a crisis with her parents or sibs. When my SS is on visitation we call him about once a week or so but make an effort not to interfere with his time with his BioDad, half sibs or GrandParents. Now that he is at boarding school we call him once a week to see how he is doing and stay connected on his activities and keep him up on what is happening at home.
My younger brother and I both attended boarding school and for years and years my parents lived overseas. We stayed very close as a family even though I did not live at home full time after I was 15 and neither did my little bro. My bro and his family are on an assignment in Asia for a couple of years. I call to speak to him once or twice a month and my S-I-L and my niece and nephews once or twice a month.
Even when apart from each other families can stay close if they value that closeness and make the effort.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,