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Can you do this with one child?

Etta's picture

Submitted by Etta on Wed, 01/30/2019 - 9:12am

Forums: 
Disengaging

Okay ladies and gents...I have some questions:

Can I disengage from one child and still do things with the other?  Both skids...and the youngest is just a dear!  If I have to scrap both of them I might as well tell them to move out completely!

Do I even have to speak to the one I disengage from?  Seriously...I'd rather just act like she doesn't exist!

Do you have them do everything for themselves...SD12 is more than capable, but I feel like she would be careless on purpose to get even.  She has ruined several things in the house and has no remorse about it at all.  Plus, she would literally wash one pair of pants daily to wear them to school over and over!

Thank you...Uhg I hate this!

 

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Wed, 01/30/2019 - 9:25am

Yes you can.  You give what you get and if you get crap from one of them, then you don't give that one any energy.  If she notices and asks why, you tell her that you are just giving her what she gives you.  

This is a life lesson that only a stepparent can give.   If bio parent won't do it, teach their kid how to behave and treat other people in the family, then you can do it.  If Dh doesn't like it, then he can step up and set her straight.  

Would you treat a person you work with that craps on you like a bestie?  Hell no.  You hold them at a distance and get thru the day not engaging them.  Same with a rotten skid.  IMO

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Wed, 01/30/2019 - 10:00am

Yes.. you can do more for and with one child vs the other.  I'm not saying be "mean" to the other child, but I wouldn't go out of my way really if that child wasn't willing to reciprocate in some way (by being decent to me..lol). 

Re her washing the same pair of pants?  That is her choice.  At her age, she can choose to do that.. she is the one that will deal with the teasing etc.. not your problem.

If she is destructive.. she has consequences for ruining things.  take away electronics.. make her pay to repair/clean/replace. 

The bio parent mUST back you up on those consequences.

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Wed, 01/30/2019 - 11:00am

Yes! I did nothing for SD15. SD12 is more pleasant and respectful. She helps around the house, she does her own laundry and helps with dinner. Complaining very infrequently. Little attitude to deal with. 

I have always helped or interacted with her more. Older SD "demands" while younger has questions. I don't do commands, which I have stated more than once. Older SD is gone from our home now, and it functions quite smoothly.

RiverLark's picture

Submitted by RiverLark on Fri, 02/01/2019 - 10:30am

Did the older SD go live with her BM full time? do you do any weekends? I'm hoping this will happen in our house which sounds very similar to yours. I guess maybe the older ones have more resentment built up towards their parents - especially dad's and stepmoms. I just don't know how the custody agreement changes when you switch it up like that. Frankly I'd just switch kids, take the younger one full time and BM can lie in the bed she's made with SK14

classyNJ's picture

Submitted by classyNJ on Wed, 01/30/2019 - 12:54pm

Yes you can!  I am completely disengaged from SS16.  I will lightly pat his back when he hugs me (which by the way he just started doing after I told him and DH that I was done with him).  He never wanted hugs before.  I mumble hi and bye but I do not talk to him or make eye contact.  If him and DH are having a conversation and DH tries to bring me in I say oops sorry I have to use the bathroom.  Every. single. time.  He gets it.

I will shop and cook and do things for and with SS20.  He is such a pleasure to be around when he is home.  He freely helps out around the house without being asked, will go food shopping if he sees we are low on stuff and tries to pay for it himself.  I do nothing for SS16 and try to be out of the house if he is there and never join DH when he takes SS16 out for a bite like I used to.  

DH isn't really happy about it but he isn't unhappy with me - he is unhappy with SS16 because he made it this way.

anonymous_1991's picture

Submitted by anonymous_1991 on Wed, 02/20/2019 - 6:18am

Just my opinion but I pray that my boyfriend's kid (9) grows up to be like that. How did he end up so lovely?

I'm confused why one is great and one isn't - is it just who they are?

Etta's picture

Submitted by Etta on Fri, 02/01/2019 - 10:19am

Thank you all...I've started and she's butt hurt about it...Asks why I still do things for her little sister, and she got smart as all get out in the process...Right in front of her sister and father I said "I don't have to do nice things for someone that talks to me badly and disrespects me".  

I went to the store and she ran out to help with groceries.  I don't know if she thinks I'm just temporarily sick of her abuse and this will fix it, but she has quite a shock coming.  Ironically, her sister is even more agreeable!  If I ask her to pick up her socks she runs right over and says "Yes ma'am"!  LOL

Java_Junkie's picture

Submitted by Java_Junkie on Mon, 02/04/2019 - 10:59am

I'd do something on a limited basis. Honestly, in the instances I've seen, it's the bioparents who aren't properly parenting, and nobody on the Bio side of the fence is really insisting that the SKids accept YOU as a SMom. So I'm more of a mind to cut the kids a little slack because they're kids.

I'm a big fan of the Boundaries books. YOU have to establish YOUR boundaries, as you know. But establishing boundaries with these kids needs to be a two-way street WITH THEM. You can infolve the BioDad if you'd like, but remember, this is YOUR relationship with YOUR SKids, and THEIRS with YOU. Many bioparents have known their kids all along and don't give it all a second thought, and too often assume you're right there with them.

Ask her if you had two dogs, and you feed both from your fingers - and one bites your fingers, but the other takes the food gently... would you keep doing it that way? Of course not... you'd feed the one from your fingers, and the other would have to pick it up off the floor. If one would bring you the paper and you gave it a treat for the trick, would you give the other a treat for not bringing you the paper? Of course not.

"Gee, you're comparing us to DOGS."

"No, I'm putting it into a perspective where I have to prepare you for life as an adult, and that means I train and condition you, just like you can imagine YOU might train a dog, since you've never had to train people. That's all. Now, go bring me the newspaper, Fido."

Biggrin