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a little tiny aha moment in a really bad day

dalhia's picture

Submitted by dalhia on Wed, 12/21/2011 - 12:29am

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Blended Family Issues

im disengaging and -like all of us- struggling with it. some days better some days worse. we all know the feeling of bitting our tongues about things that the step kids do or say, etc. you kind of repeat to yourself the mantra of "no my kid, no my problem" or the classic "itwillbeokitwillbeokitwillbeok", and most of the time you can get thru the day without giving any direction, education or discipline to your skids...and if by mistake, accident or simply explotion you say something to the kid like "get the feet of the couhc" you get "the look" from DH that reminds you that you should not try to "control" his child..and to leave it to him to discipline..and you go "you are right honey...im trying"..and life goes on.
what is interesting is that DH is used to also discipline and naturally give comments and directions to my biokid, the same way i was used to do it to his daughter for so many years...and i found that OK until now. now he is so protective of me saying ANYTHING to his child that i got to thinking that even though my child is by no means in the center of our marital problems, DH has to also stop giving my child directions.
tonight at dinner my son was eating the peppers out of the salad bawl (probably doing it after seeing me do it :0), and i was looking the other way since i was talking to my husband giving the back to my child. my DH said "hey, stop eating the stuff out of the bawl and if you want salad put it on your plate", and without missing a bit of whatever i was telling DH, i said "ohh, i agree but please leave that up to me, i ll take it from here, thank you"...his eyes got BIG and he felt for once what i feel every day. for a second i felt i could actually show him a glimse of what it feels like to try to disengage...he will NEVER admit it but he was fuming for about 5 minutes
anf 10 minutes later life went back to normal...

Dannee's picture

Submitted by Dannee on Fri, 12/23/2011 - 10:03am

I don't think it is a good thing to tell your DH or him to tell you

"Leave that to me" in front of the child..

I maybe wrong here, but what kind of message does that send the child..??

To me it sends the message that I can do and I will do what I want to whom

I want when Mom is not present...cause step dad has no say..or you have no say..

Just a thought...

thefunmommy's picture

Submitted by thefunmommy on Fri, 12/23/2011 - 2:42pm

That's kind of the point though. Her DH has given that message to his kids, hence the disengaging. He has told her and shown them that they don't need to listen to her.

Roarin1's picture

Submitted by Roarin1 on Fri, 12/23/2011 - 10:34am

I'm glad you brought this up. I'm thinking about doing the disengaging thing, pending discussing it with a counselor and then my wife. I hadn't thought about how it would effect my son (9), my wife, and how they treat one another. On the one hand, my son is rarely around (3.5 hours away) and I usually travel to see him, staying in a motel and doing activities with him. On the other, my wife has offered to watch my son while he's here on Christmas break, summer visits, etc... This makes me realize that, if I do disengage, I'll have to think about how to handle the other side of the equation so that I'm being fair to my son and spouse.

dalhia's picture

Submitted by dalhia on Fri, 12/23/2011 - 11:36am

you know Dannee, you are absolutely right, the part that is didnt mention is that my husband and I speak spanish and my son speaks it just a little, so what i said to DH was said in spanish within a fast conversation in Spanish, so my son never knew.
im very clear that when im not aroung my son should do as the present aduts says..that is a given...thanks for bringing it up. the disengaging thing is very delicate and hard, the point was that im the one that is doing all the efforts to not parent his child and im not sure he understand how hard it is (after so many years ,iit just comes naturally..you know?) and that little comment at the table gave him a taste!