So in the aftermath of the coffee controversy (SD12 reported we are against her drinking coffee, BM blows top)DH decides the big family meal is a good time to have a conversation with SD12 & SS10 about privacy and such.
Now, we run a tight ship at our home with a routine, and expectations about manners and discipline. BM, however has the borderline personality crazies and is always on the run, scattered and pretty much lets the kids do whatever they want. So you can see where the main points listed below came from the kids point of view. My dilemma is that I feel a lot of their complaints are unfair to us, but at the same time we are the "sucky" house hold with rules and no fun. After seeing my SS10 eat like "a human shovel" I am not too keen on bending the rules for two poorly disciplined children....I feel really conflicted and pretty resentful about the whole conversation.

-the kids being upset about us discipiling their table manners
("human shovel", walking around while meal in is progress, chewing with mouth open, using fingers instead of a knife, eating salad with their hands....)
-the kids being upset about us and their bedtime routine
(asking them to brush their teeth, reminding them constantly to get to bed)
-the kids being upset about asking them to wash their hands before and after dinner (SD12 still sucks thumb, kids ALWAYS touching walls, SS10 wiping greasy hands on pants)
-the kids being upset that we do not take them out to restaurants
(see manners, we went to Denny's last month and I was mortfied)
-the kids being upset about us not taking them out and buying them things (mall etc.) when they are with us
(BM is at the mall for new clothes or buying stuff on a weekly basis)
-SD12 feeling pressure to keep Mom's secrets secret, yet the need to inform Mom about everything at our house so BM can know what's going on
-SD12 feeling upset that we don't seem happy/overjoyed everytime we see their Mom (who farts Unicorns and rainbows)
-SD12 being upset that our bad day at work is actually all about her (?)

******This morning before leaving for work SS10 decided to take the time to inform DH about one more "secret thing" SD12 had kept out the conversation yesterday. She is upset about the fact that as much as we say we don't have money for certain things, she gets mad that we buy ourselves stuff i.e. a clock or the picture (my parents paid for) from Ikea. She feels that money should be spent on her/them. This started a crying/hissy fit on the way out of the door. Which prompted DH to explain that we pay Mom ($1300 monthly) so that they can have clothes, food and do fun things with her. This of course started SD12 bawling in the car/parking lot of my workplace when BM is on her way to meet us. I walked into the office as I did not feel I could display the joyousness required for the second coming of the glowing BM (unicorn farts and stars included). FUN FREAKIN TIMES HUH.