From your information it appears that your SD is about 22 years old. So she is an adult that hopefully is no longer living with you. There's really no reason for you to ever do more than say hello and goodbye to her on the rare occasions that your paths cross.

Let her go. Release yourself from any obligations to see her, talk to her, buy her presents, or try to connect with her. It's okay for you not to have any interaction with her. Let your DH see her without you.

There's no law or rule that says a man's wife must have a close connection to his adult spawn. Please don't waste your breath trying to convince your DH that she is flawed. That's his daughter and he doesn't want to believe it. That's okay. Let it be.

My totally worthless SS and his GF (parents of a baby) think I am the worst person on the face of this earth. My take is "so what". I do not expect my DH to defend me or to chastise them. All I ask is that he keep them AWAY FROM ME.

My DH and I have a wonderful life together. We treat each other very well. I think his son is a worthless sack of sh*t - but I do not harp on that to DH. I know his son says horrible things about me - but DH does not repeat it to me.

Life is good.

I've been right where you are.

First, give it time. Things in life are always changing. This situation won't be static for long, especially at her age when a job change, boyfriend change, wedding or pregnancy, can change her life, which will change your life.

Second, it sounds as if you're near rock bottom (not quite, but you're going in the right direction!) That means it's soon time to start coming back up! I was totally consumed with how I failed to make my SD like me! It hung over me like a cloud. One day, though, I was like an infant who cried so much, I was suddenly calm and could get hold of myself.

Suddenly, I saw with new clarity how things were, for example, how visits with SD went: SD enjoying delivery of her monologue for her father and leading us around like circus ponies, her father enjoying her performance and her hanging all over him, and me, absolutely miserable, ignored and slighted in their presence. So I stopped. I stopped going, I stopped caring that he went without me; I stopped caring that she sent gifts and cards to our house addressed only to him as if I didn't exist after a decade of marriage; stopped caring that she'd hurled names and accusations at me on a number of occasions while her father did nothing in my defense. I disengaged.

I haven't seen her in more than a year now and it's been like shedding 150 pounds of UGLY fat! I felt immediate, lasting relief after deciding to treat her as if she is nonexistent. But I had to reach rock bottom before I could muster resolve to confidently remove myself from this toxic person.

As for resentment, I resented him (and SD) so much those few first years, I thought I might leave him. Our sex life ended. I was miserable all the time. But in those years, SD's life changed too - she got married, changed jobs, bought a place, started making real money and traveling a lot. Then SHE didn't have much time for daddy! So arguments about SD became less frequent because I wasn't exposed to her BS and he wasn't seeing much of her. Then I decided to disengage and we've had fewer arguments about SD in the past year than any year in our marriage.

So give it time before you make a rash decision. See where she lands now while she's still in those years of rapid change - she could marry and move across the country! In the meantime, allow yourself to indulge in all the misery wallowing you want if it gets you to rock bottom faster. When you just don't give a sh*t anymore, disengage. That's when you can start assessing what your future's worth with him.

This will always be between us. But it's manageable now. I never would have guessed it could be this peaceful when it was so bad just a few years ago. I hope this helps a little.

You need to find a way to stop dwelling on the things she’s said to you and about you.
You are poisoning your own mind.

It’s not about forgiving or forgetting, it’s about not giving her space in your head.

This is a trick I used to stop my negative self talk. That little voice in your head that tells you you’re useless.
Put a rubber band on your wrist, everytime you think of SD snap it. Every. Single. Time.
It will take about a month but it will work.

Once you aren’t thinking about her see where you stand. See if you’re happy again. See if you recognize yourself again.

Look up disengaging and follow those steps but first you need to get her out of your head.

Greetings! I read your post and thought I was staring into a mirror, except the mirror was showing me from about two years ago. I am sorry you are going through this and am glad you found this place - it really helped me gain perspective and sanity. Here’s a link to the disengaging essay. Read it a few times, print it if necessary.
http://www.fillingyourniche.com/the-disengaging-essay/

Many people find that their marriages suffer at the hands of these selfish and horrid children of spouses. You can’t do this alone, your spouse needs to support you and back you up with the SD. If he doesn’t back you up, you are “dead in the water”. You need to get yourself to a better place emotionally, and read this board as much as you can. I’m serious - reading others similar stories, and sharing my own, then disengaging from the toxic eldest SD, made all the difference and saved our relationship. You have support here.

My advice... make the choice to be the person you like being. Period!

You indicate that you want SD to see you and treat you as an equal? Really? :jawdrop: You are not her equal. You are her eternal superior as is her dad. And he and you both need to gain clarity on that in a hurry and put your collective boot up this POS kids butt any time she loses touch with that eternal fact.

Even through this drama never lose touch with the person you like being. Apply consistent consequences to SD's toxic crap. Those behaviors and consequences are her choice not yours and should have no impact on you being who you like being.

Just my thoughts of course.

Good luck.

Hi Seeking - I have been where you are and there are times when I continue to struggle. I think its hard when you want to spend time with your DH and not by yourself, but what's a girl to do. Better to set off on a day alone than in the presence of a stepturd.

Hugs to you.

HG