I love DH with everything in me, but he is the most emotionally guarded person I have ever met. He never wants to talk about his emotions or feelings and cringes talking about his past. I completely understand. He was born to very young parents (19 and 20 years old). His father wanted him aborted, but his mother insisted she wanted him. The father was not involved in raising him and his mother greatly struggled raising him alone. Being so young, all she wanted to do was hang out with her friends and party. She started sending him with her parents (in another state) for long periods of time. Finally, his grandparents decided to adopt him. DH was too young to even realize what was going on. He grew up thinking his two older aunts were his sisters and was soon diagnosed with ADD. After upsetting one of his "sisters," she harshly told him that he was adopted. He spent the next few years wondering why his birth mother didn't want him, why his grandparents never told him the truth, and he struggled within himself. He began acting out - getting in trouble at school, smoking, cutting class, and he stopped taking his ADD medication. When he was 15, he moved out of his grandparent's house (unable to handle his overbearing grandmother and his grandfather was diagnosed with lung disease and was dying) and moved in with one of his "sisters" and her husband. He dropped out of school and began heavily drinking and smoking. He had a hard time living there after a while - his brother in law had severe OCD and his "sister" was a very, very bad alcoholic. His long-time girlfriend broke up with him and started dating one of his best friends, greatly hurting him. He moved out after a few years and lived with his best friend, floating from job to job, smoking and drinking every day. Once the money ran out, he moved back to his hometown. He reached out to his biological mother and flew down to meet he in person. He quickly realized that she was also an alcoholic, and addicted to prescription pills. One of his old classmates offered him some easy money dealing drugs, which he did for a while until he was arrested. His biological mother posted his bail and then they lost contact.

He then met a girl who (like his biological mother) just wanted to hang out with her friends and party. After a year of dating, she became pregnant. The girlfriend wanted to give up the baby for adoption and DH strongly opposed it - he was still scarred from his own adoption. The moved in together, he found a decent paying job, and he completed his probation, abstaining from all drugs and alcohol and staying away from any of his old friends that would be a bad influence. They struggled, but they struggled together, and raised their son. Life finally seemed to be going his way. Over time, the girlfriend's drinking became worse. She was going out all night with her friends. Then, she began taking pills. DH saw that things were heading in the wrong direction and decided to move his now-pregnant girlfriend and son to another state, where they would be closer to his grandparents and biological mother (though he rarely saw her, due to her own active addiction). The girlfriend struggled being so far away from all her family and friends and struggled with her sobriety, but convinced DH that it was because she was depressed and feeling suicidal, so against his best intentions they moved back home. The girlfriend's addiction started spiraling out of control. She was continually in and out of jail. DH had to start sleeping with his wallet and car keys under his pillow. She was stealing everything she could, even pawning her engagement ring and selling the children's toys and clothes for drug money. DH felt trapped, because that was the mother of his children and he didn't want to break up the family. He tried everything he could think to do to get her clean and to stay sober, but she slipped every time. He finally broke up with her for good, kicked her out of the house, and spent a year as a single father. Around this time, his grandfather (the only father he had ever known) died. His grandmother quickly re-married after less than 6 months, greatly angering him. 

When we met, I could tell that he was very guarded and he had been severely hurt. He was nervous to start dating again until he realized that I truly cared for his children and I was completely drug-free (I hated drugs because my own brother was a terrible drug addict. It was almost strange how we bonded over this fact). He would shut down anytime I asked him about his past - he hated to talk about his grandmother and biological mother, he said it made him too sad to think about his grandfather, and he still felt trauma from his ex-girlfriend (though he would never admit it or come out and say it). I recognized that he had PTSD and still, even ten years later, still has it. If he is asleep and I walk across the room to get something, he will snap awake and say "What are you doing?" He explained to me he got so used to the ex sneaking out of the house or taking something from his wallet. It took him several years before he was even comfortable with me holding his wallet. I could tell he had major trust issues. But I loved him. I have been slowly chipping away at him over the years and learning more and more about all the hardships he has had to endure. His biological mother died of a drug overdose years ago and although he did not cry, I know that it tore him up inside. We then learned shortly after that his biological father had also passed away - he was more angry and sad, the man that he was named after and wanted nothing to do with him. He told me "I never met the man, and now I never will." I have only seen him cry twice since we've been together - once at our wedding and once after watching a very emotional movie. It is so bizarre to me, because I cry at television commercials. He has been so hurt in his life and has build such a wall up around him - I hope that in the future I can finally tear it down completely and he will allow himself to be more vulnerable with me. I think back at how every major person in his life - best friends, parents, grandparents, long-term girlfriends - have hurt him so deeply. It seems like every person he was supposed to be able to trust just let him down in one way or another. He's filled with regret that he went so many years without contact with his biological mother, and that he didn't get the chance to say goodbye to his grandfather, and that he never got to meet his real father. He feels so much regret over not being able to "keep his family together" and get his ex's life straightened out and been a typical "family" for his children. He blames himself for every little thing.