Misnaming SD
I was picking SD up from her grandmother's house after work, as I usually did around that time. SD was around 9 at the time. Her grandmother called into the other room, "Go get your shoes on, *Bio Mom's name*." I froze for a second. She didn't even realize her mistake until SD walked in and said, "My name is ___, Grandma." The grandmother quickly apologized, said it was a "habit" and it was hard because SD looked so much like BM. I tried to not make it a big deal and drove SD home. The only thing she would say was that it didn't happen that often, but when it did, it kind of bothered her. I said it was a simple mistake and to let me know if it happened again.
Fast forward to a few months later. The same situation. This time she is sitting on the couch and her grandmother was telling me something she had done earlier and said "She's just a little *Bio Mom's Name*." Now, that was no mistake. That was intentional. I sent SD and SS (who was also there) out to the car to wait for me and let the grandmother know I could let the first incident slide, but saying those things bothered SD and I did not appreciate it. She said something along the lines of "I can't help it - she's *Bio Mom's Name's* clone." I was a little frustrated that she was shrugging it off and asked "So would you be happy if she ended up just like BM? Because that's something DH and I definitely don't want to happen." The grandmother started into her whole speech about BM made some mistakes, but she was trying to get better, and everyone just liked to blame her for everything and SD needed to have a relationship. I firmly told her that it bothered SD and she needed to respect that. Quit comparing her. Quit bringing up BM's name if she cared about her.
As far as I know, it didn't happen again (at least not in front of me). The grandmother died a year later. SS told me that a few times when SD was over there and she did something wrong, the grandmother would scold her and call her "Little *Bio Mom's Name*." I thought, how messed up you did that when she was bad. Not realizing she was associating bad behavior with BM (the grandmother was not the brighest person, I had learned). While DH and I were told that we were filling SD's head with thoughts of her BM being a bad influence, the grandmother was pretty much doing all the work for us.
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Comments
At least the grandma realized
At least the grandma realized that her child is screwed up. The slip of the tongue thing happens. I get flustered with my son and will call him my brother's name! He is much younger than me and I was 2nd mom to him, so when my son does something (stupid) I do get that Freudian slip sometimes and call him brother's name.
One bright side is that when SD looks back at life, she will realize that it wasn't you guys "trashing" BM, BM was just trash all on her own.
I have also done this several
I have also done this several times - but the whole calling her "Little *Bio Mom's Name*" felt very intentional on her part. The first incident I could let slide, but the other times seemed a little more deliberate and that's what irked me.
You must not be around many
You must not be around many older people. My Mom at 89 and we are constantly correcting the name she calls us, and she doesn't have dementia, just all the names get mixed up in her head. I have 4 grandkids and have called them each others names, their parents names, or just Whoever you are'.
Yes, actually I have two
Yes, actually I have two grandmothers both with dementia and they are constantly messing up names. The grandmother was not very old at the time - she was only in her late 50's. This situation was a lot different than what I dealt with my own grandmothers numerous times. Once my grandmother called me by my dog's name. But still, the whole calling her "Little *Bio Mom's Name*" was not a slip of the tongue or accidental. That was very much intentional.
That's sad if you feel it was
That's sad if you feel it was intentional. I would've told my kids that Grandma is just old and gets people mixed up so she didn't her doing that to be mean.