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My SD, 17 is an awful person

melissa325i's picture

Submitted by melissa325i on Sun, 01/08/2017 - 9:42pm

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Bio Child Free Zone

Her father and I have been married for 4 years but dated for 7 years prior to marriage.
I have to say that my SD hated me from the start, and has been in therapy on/off for last 8 years.
When she recorded herself at age 8, talking about how much she hated me,
I should have exited the relationship just to save my own sanity.
When people say "She probably doesn't hate you..."
I say "You're wrong"
This kid tells everyone that I am trying to poison her food. (For the record, I am not)
It's difficult to discern whether she actually believes this or is just being manipulative...
She has all the typical skid bullshit behavior ... (demanding, argumentative, entitled)
She makes snide comments about (me, our home, etc)
I love my husband but dislike his daughter.
Tonight, I had to listen to my husband yell at her, then beg her not to leave (it's our weekend).
When SD says: " I'm going to go live with my Mom"
All I feel is a tremendous sense of relief.

Despite my love for my husband, I have been dreaming of running away .. being free of the constant drama and having peace...

Anybody else feel like this?

melissa325i's picture

Submitted by melissa325i on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 8:38am

Quite a number of years ago, I had a therapist tell me not to parent the skid, so I do not.
She refuses to eat or do her laundry here so... (Remember she thinks I'm trying to poison her and she hates the laundry detergent we use)
So I believe I have fully disengaged and we don't speak.(The skid and I)
This is a bio parent issue, if my husband had any authority in our home, he would tell SD that she is welcome but her bad behavior is not.
The article was great and every step should read!

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Wed, 01/11/2017 - 12:16am

it's not engaging if you tell SD that.... it's simply stating house rules and do not worry about her feefees...

DH can always see her away from home..

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 2:45am

It's nice to see that piece on disengaging from steptogether, still doing the rounds! I was passing that out 5 yrs ago! Wink

Melissa, your DH really should not be begging his daughter to stay, that's not good parenting, he really needs to set firm boundaries and not allow his daughter to disrespect you. That's probably rich coming from me, it took 10 years for me to bring my DH round to that way of thinking!

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 3:07am

joined almost 4 years ago - and got it from Orange County lol...

I've been passing it around cause it really helped me allot

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 7:06am

Well then thank you as well...... I live by it lol......

I never had a family meeting saying this is what I'm going to do, I just did it..... SO was not happy at all, and some times still bitches about it.... as if I care.. not my kid and not my problem lol

melissa325i's picture

Submitted by melissa325i on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 8:40am

This is exactly my thought, my husband is afraid of losing his daughter, but that will never happen.
Listening to him beg was awful, but because I am disengaged, I don't interfere.

momjeans's picture

Submitted by momjeans on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 7:28am

How old is SD, OP? I can't decipher... 12? And doesn't she already live with her mom if she's there, in your home, for visitation? Seems like an empty threat on her part. It also seems like one she could make a reality if she wanted to with enough of a stink and she fears for her safety (Oh lord... lol)

I agree - disengage.

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 7:32am

My SD is only 5 and she's never shown any sort of disrespect, but my husband and I are under the agreement that any disrespect (if it happens) in the future will be handled by him. When I brought it up that sometimes stepkids turn against stepparents, at first he was adamant that wouldn't happen because she loves me (a lot right now) but once I showed him some information online about it, he got really angry and said "if she ever pulls that shit i'll lose it on her"

I had to actually calm him down about it because he was getting angry at something that might potentially never happen! What i'm getting at here, is your husband needs to love you enough to put you and your marriage first when it comes to things like this. YES, children's NEEDS are first, but an adult's NEED for peace in their own home is more important than a child's WANT to be rude.

He should be sticking up for you. Always. You are married. You aren't some new girlfriend who should try to fit in with the family. You're his wife who should be held at the top of the household as one of two leaders of the household. If he lets his daughter treat you like crap, that's basically saying you're on the bottom of the totempole in the household and that's not how marriage should be.

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 7:37am

I really, really hope you don't do anything for your stepdaughter or to help her father out with her. If my SD was rude to me and DH didn't do anything to put an end to it, that'd be the end of ANY of my help. No drives, no cooking, no laundry, no spending money on SD, NOTHING would be done by me until the situation was resolved.

momjeans's picture

Submitted by momjeans on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 11:02am

Agree. I'd take that accusation as an open invitation "out" to no longer cook, assemble, whatever... meals for SD. As silly as the accusation is, it does hold some serious creep factor and possible legal ramifications I wouldn't want to touch with a ten foot pole.

For your sanity, I hope she goes to out-of-state school, too, OP.

melissa325i's picture

Submitted by melissa325i on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 9:13pm

No cooking for her and no cleaning either.
She has to do her own grocery shopping at Whole Foods due to the poisoning comment.
Thanks for the sanity and support!

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 12:13pm

Yes, I have felt this way for over 2 years. I have SD17, who will be 18 in 4 months.
But whos counting?
She has pushed all my buttons for SO LONG that now my buttons do not work. She has said vile things to me in front of my So, without repercussions (oh. my poor baby is sick in the head...he sais) She just recently was caught shoplifting and told her mother she does it for the thrill. Last Friday night she punched out BMs boyfriend for lecturing her about shoplifting. As she has gotten older, her bad behavior has just gotten worse and worse. It has not gotten better. She's being nice to me RIGHT NOW, because she really has no one else to turn to, but I know what's down the pipeline, and keep my distance. So you are definitely not alone in wanting out. Wanting freedom. Because at the end of the day, you know that she is STILL his daughter, and WILL ALWAYS be his daughter.

My condolences...

melissa325i's picture

Submitted by melissa325i on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 9:06pm

I have a mantra.....eighteen and out... when it's really bad, I say it over and over ( in my head)!

smomofone's picture

Submitted by smomofone on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 2:20pm

I hated my ex SM as well. She was in my life for 17 years, and of those 17 we lived in the same house from age 5 to 15. From age 5 to 11 she was abusive. I am not talking about making us do chores and that kind of "abuse" kids now a days talk about lol. I mean, tossing chairs at our heads, having friends molest us, beating us until our backs bled, not allowing us to eat at all type of abuse. I wish she would have disengaged. At 11 it didn't stop but I started to defend myself and apparently an 11 year old could hurt her 30 year old self. Anyways, long story and I don't know where I was going with it lol.

Your SD has probably learned to manipulate people around her and saying you do certain things to her is her way of getting people against you. what does your husband do?

I'd say disengage and don't do anything at all for her, including cooking and cleaning.

SD and I get along well, she is only 6 and I've been in her life since she was 2, she loves me and I am good to her. But SO and I already discussed this, if she starts with anything like this I will disengage fully. Meaning he will have to pay 2/3rds of all bills, rents, and food instead of half. Anything I've paid for will be taken out of her room, including her bed, and furniture. I will no longer contribute to anything that has to do with her and will not include her in my family events. I am too good to her for her to treat me like a second class citizen in my home.

smomofone's picture

Submitted by smomofone on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 2:27pm

I should add, SO said if SD is ever disrespectful towards me he will nip it in the butt before the sentence is even out of her mouth.

Not that long ago, I was doing an activity with SD, she is only 6 so I am sure she didn't mean it, but she kept asking "after this Dad and I are going to grammas?" I had already told her yes a few times. SO came up and heard her ask and right away, took her into her room and explained to her why it was hurtful to keep asking. Making me feel like she didn't want to do the activity with me, (I am sure that wasn't the case, she is on the spectrum and we have to repeat things to her quite a bit) but he felt the need to correct her and explain why it was hurtful. She came in and apologized.