I so need to vent.
I so need to vent. I am getting to the point where I am done!!!
The impending move in date (December 1st ) for skid24 coming back for 6 months has been stressing me out. Back to not sleeping through the night, waking up way mad and at an ungodly hour. Skid does even live here yet, I feel like I have some form of PTSD.
DH and I had a conversation about the house rules, he agreed with all the ones I laid out. Still has not said when we are still arranging a sit-down meeting with skid to go over them prior to move in. I did question him about the enforcement of the rules and he skirted the issue. I told him it cannot be like last time, I will not tolerate it. The only thing on the list he questioned was the marijuana rules. My rule is no drugs or paraphernalia legal or illegal in the house or on the property. Since pot is now legal in Canada skid can store that crap in his car.
My son 22 is coming home Dec 15-25 from school and I have a room set up in the basement with his bed and dressers. The other bedrooms in our house besides the master are his and her home offices. My home office has a mid century modern couch and a wardrobe for all my clothes that will not fit in our closet (I have a lot of clothes). My son only comes home twice a year and it was agreed that even though skid is here, my bio gets his room with his bed. Last night DH was trying to take that away from him. Well skid is moving into that room and then must move out that room because your bio comes home… Yes, I don’t care if it is a pain in the ass to your kid but that’s the way it is. We are doing skid a favour.
My kid would not say a word if it bothered im or not, but that not the point, I don’t want his good-natured disposition being taken advance of and besides we agreed before hand that my son would have that room when he comes home.
Skid owes us a bunch of money, he is supposed to get a line of credit to pay us, and my husband is delaying that. He needs to get the LOC and pay us the money he owes, which is as of today $4,090.00, which most of that includes a vehicle that we purchased. I think DH is giving me lip service about making skid pay the money. Today skid needed to borrow $150 – he just got paid yesterday. When DH told me I was mad, then he snapped at me and it just turned to shit from there. DH tried to back peddle right after he snapped, but I was already pissed, and ready to just blow up so I walked away. That was 5 hours ago, and I am still mad.
Right now, DH is at skids house since he is gone for the weekend, taking care of his untrained dogs since they are not allowed here. Originally, I was going to go there for a while tonight with him but screw that, DH can sit there by himself in his own kids disgusting mess of a home and take care of 2 giant dogs that are not trained by himself.
Skid24 hasn’t even moved in yet and it is causing stress and my husband is trying to baby him already.
I keep looking at apartments for me to rent to escape the upcoming shit show.
Thanks for reading my vent.
Tell your dh he can't move in
Tell your dh he can't move in. He's a big boy, he knows how to look for places to rent.
Skid has no money, he can’t
Skid has no money, he can’t rent anything. He has been bleeding us dry.
You mentioned him getting
You mentioned him getting paid. How come he has no money? How come he can keep two large dogs? This is his own mess that he needs to clean up by himself. Taking pity on him because he has nowhere else to go is not helping him. It is teaching him absolutely nothing and, in fact, is enabling his incapacity to behave like a functioning adult.
Just out of curiosity, how does your dh picture his retirement?
You said he just got paid,
You said he just got paid, which made me think he's emloyed. He can go to a shelter. He'll live.
Please tell me that you have
Please tell me that you have separate finances... please.
The heart of your post has the heart of the matter.
And it is this: "DH is giving me lip service"
Your DH is NOT going to make SS adhere to any of the rules, including the financial ones. You must wake up to that truth.
No wonder you can't sleep and are stressted - subconsiously you already know this. You are beating your fists against a machine of dysfunction (driven by your DH) and you will not win.
When you first posted about this, many of us identified that your DH is the problem because he was not treating you with the respect that a spouse deserves. No matter what you agree to, when it comes to his son DH is going to prioritize him over you.
I agree with Winter in that you absolutely, positively need to separate your finances if you haven't done so already. I would also suggest you seriously do look at those apartments. Get brochures, find out the deposit requirements, find out how quickly you can move in, etc.
Take that info and sit down with your DH and tell him that you are prepared to move into that apartment. Tell him you do not want SS living with you and that the most he should do (with DH's money, not joint money!) is subsidize SS for six months at a specific amount (say, $500 per month) for lodgings of his choosing. It can be his own apartment, furnished room, etc. but it WILL NOT BE in your home!
You know, Grace, deep down that this is NOT going to go according to plan. Why sit there and let it happen?
Another clear indicator is that your DH is dog-sitting, less than a month before SS is due to move in. If SS really plans to re-home those dogs he should have done it already! You better prepare yourself for those dogs showing up, too.
If SS moves in, don't count on him moving out of the spare room for your son during his visit. Your son will wind up on that couch in your office, for sure. DH and SS will claim it's "unfair" to have SS move out of room for a couple of weeks, so it will be much easier for your son to camp out in your office. Since your son is good-natured, like you, no wonder he will be shoved out of the way.
And that's what will happen. The worst part about that is not just your son's discomfort during his visit, but that he will see his mother being treated like a doormat by her husband, in favor of his grown leach of a son.
That, to me, will be the saddest part of all.
You are right 2Tired, the
You are right 2Tired, the reason I feel this way because I already deep down know I am right on how it’s going to go down.
It’s just like you don’t understand
SS is not going to follow any rules, he not going to pay for anything. Not going to move when DS comes home. DH is not going to do anything but kids his DS ass. If you let SS move in, you should move out, your DH does not have your back. He has SS back. Your just a ATM that also cooks, cleans and give sex
What a mess! I truly
What a mess! I truly emphathize with you. I've dealt with crippling enabling behavior between DH and perfectly healthy ss33 and am my dealing with my own bs22 who has a intellectual disabilty and needs support/guidance. It wouldn't be so bad if BS didn't act like his a$$ father. It's been like pulling teeth to get him to pay his share of the bills. He tells his siblings, "Mom's stealing my money." No good deed goes unpunished, even with your own kids.
There are days I want to escape into the wilderness and leave all the idiots behind and I would if I didn't still have two minors at home. I'd suggest you start a commune of women who are fed with men and their ridiculous drama/baggage. Save a spot for me, I'll be there in a few years.
If there's no way for you to
If there's no way for you to lay down the law and say no to SS moving in, you need a more clever approach. SS cannot continue receiving free money and free room and board or he will never leave.
Here's how I'd leverage this:
We all know your husband will keep giving SS money and it will only get worse after SS moves in -- the Bank of Dad will never be closed and you probably won't even know how much money SS is squeezing out of your husband.
So consider that money lost no matter what, but why not let that lost money work for you to keep SS out of your house?
Do yourself a favor. Tell your husband he may lend SS the money to rent his own place. He's going to give it to SS no matter what, but this way you're directing the money in a way that works to your benefit.
And if you move out of the family home to avoid SS, you'll be paying rent anyway, so why not make it SS's rent?
It's a costly solution, but if SS moving in is causing you this much grief already, and you can't just say NO to him moving in, the cost of SS's rent will be worth the money to keep him out of your space.
Make sure your husband makes the checks out directly to SS's new landlord so SS can't spend it on pot. Your husband can tell SS he'll pay the rent for six months. By then, SS might enjoy living on his own so much, he'll figure out how to stay where he is when the checks stop coming from dad.
If SS lives with you, he will have no rules; free money, board and room; and you will be miserable. There will be no incentive for him to ever go. Best to keep him out at all costs.
He isn't even there yet and
He isn't even there yet and he is jeopardizing your marriage. Play your veto card. SS is an adult, not in school, and he needs to launch.
Your DS is a responsible young man and student. Diffent performance, different rules.
SS needs to figure it out.