Not certain what you mean by LEGAL in #11. 

Anyhoo, "violation of numbers 11 and 12 result immediate eviction".

Real, tangible, profound, enforceable consequences for violations of house rules. 

All I can say is good luck. They are great rules and I hope he follows them and all goes as planned. If your DH is on board that will help. 

My DH came home one day to tell me SS 25 at the time was moving back in that day because he was depressed and quit his job. No discussion with me. No end date. No rules. No chores. No rent.

It was a year of hell. 

Marriage counseling helped us establish rules which I know SS thought that was my doing and hated me. She also encouraged DH to get SS back out of the house since he had gotten his job back and there was no excuse, again SS probably blames me for that too. DH cried over having to tell his adult son he had to move on.

I feel for you. It’s a tough situation.

Good for you for having a plan.

Keep us posted.

Why not add that the three of you will revisit the living arrangements on a monthly basis in a sit-down conversation with all of you present? That way you can bring up where SS is failing and give him fair warning to shape up or move.

I also don't see an exit date in your list. This is a must if this is really only temporary. If you don't make it firm, at least indicate that this is a three-month or six-month arrangement that will be revisited at those points, but SS should be planning to move at those points unless all of you agree he may stay.

Which brings me to my last point. I'd add to your list, "If at any point, anyone wants to end the living arrangement, SS will have one month to find a place and relocate." Without this point, your husband will never want SS to go, and SS will end the arrangement whenever he wants, so that just leaves YOU stuck without an out if you've had enough. This puts SS on notice that he mustn't just please his daddy, but you too.

Make it clear that SS shouldn't get too comfortable with this living arrangement, and your husband shouldn't expect that just because you let SS move in, that means you can't ask him to go.

I think it's brilliant that you composed a contract. Be sure SS gets a copy. If nothing else, it shows SS that details have been discussed and you're not taking it lightly, so neither should he. And it reinforces the notion that this is temporary!!!

That's a reasonable list of rules and I hope that this works out.  Personally, I would not have any kids in their 20s living here - SD23 has tried a couple of times but I held firm because I know I would end up divorced or in the psychiatric ward.  

The suggestion to renegotiate will drive you crazy. Just put a definite date in the contract.  You can, on your own decide to extend it if you want.  But do not leave it open.

(With any luck he will refuse to sign and doesn’t get to move in the first place).  

You can even get skid to sign them.  

However, reading between the lines in your post, it appears as though your DH will not enforce any of them.  Even after you had your initial discussion of when payments should be made, your DH went back to SS and told him it would only be once per month and he would be getting the rent money returned to him.  SS will merely see rent as a deposit into his own savings account so if he is short on cash don't expect full payment whatsoever.  And don't expect your DH to enforce it, since he will side with SS and argue the same thing.

The fundamental problem here is your DH.  Based on your comments, I don't think the agreement will be worth the paper it's written on.  You've already indicated DH has a habit of interrupting or "guilting" you so how will this document make things any different?  DH is going to cave when it comes to SS - period.

Do you think that DH will actually back you up on any of this?  I think you will be in for a very wild ride beginning with the proposal of this agreement, and lasting till whenever SS leaves (which probably won't be in six months).  What is your plan of action when/if the breaching of agreements transpires and your DH sides with SS?

IMO, the easiest thing is for your DH to sit SS down, tell him he will give him x amount of money per month for six months and make this young man go out and find his own lodgings.  He can find an apartment to share, room to rent, etc.   It is worth the money to keep your marriage intact.  

Not to mention keeping SS is the right thing to do if your DH ever wants him to find his way in life and be self-supporting.  Figuring this out on his own is a life-lesson that SS needs to learn.

Let him learn it!

If you're already agreeing to give him $500 a month then I would bypass all of this crazy and set him up as a boarder/renter somewhere else.  SS could even be close by but in his own space where he actually has to adult for himself.  3k over 6 months is probably what you'd end up paying for therapy and med copays. Think of this as a down payment on your sanity!  

If SD-now-33 ever asks to move back in .... I offered to pay for a month rent at an extended stay hotel or 2 months rent at a cheap mobile home/apt situation.  SO may choose to match my offer and extend her subsidized living experience or not. 

Bottom line:  she ever moves in ?  He will feel the breeze of the door slamming as I'm out of his life.  

if you don’t get rent on time. If he doesn’t clean up, if he does drugs or have a stay over ?  You are saying what he can not do, but if he does it DH isn’t going to do anything.  If he doesn’t clean up then you will pay a cleaning person and he will pay for it.

Sorry you agreed.  I just said NO to my DH and YSS54.  We also helped, YES since he was 16.  I cannot even tell you how much $$$$ we went thru, not to mention years of hell.  You have to learn to say no.  I suggest you begin now.  Hugs.  

Practice this  line and use it constantly once this disaster kicks off. 

" (Fill in the blank) is not going to happen again and if it does the consequences will be miserable for both of you.  You deal with this and you deal with this NOW DH and if you don't I will and neither of you will like it."

Lather, rinse, repeat.  And you must follow up with consequences that deliver an existence of abject misery for both of them if they do not fly the straight and narrow.

Better yet.... change your mind and inform DH that SS-24 will not be moving into your marrital home.

grace8205.....PLEASE take Rags advice.  This is the only action that worked for me.  I took control, because my DH would not.  Force your boundaries.  It is unpleasant, but not near the misery of living with couch potatoes.

I  will be honest, my DH will always be a bit mad down deep.  I DO NOT CARE.  He knows I will always be here for him, but there now are boundaries.  I will never give in to my grown STEPKIDS, when they step over those boundaries.  

I am not unreasonable, I will not be miserable.

It is difficult, just take care.  ((((Hugs)))))

I wouldn't let the fool move into my home point blank.... my partner knows that if we break up, the root cause will be because I HATE HIS KIDS IN THE UK due to their disrespect...if they cannot respect you, why do they want to benefit from the fruits of your labour?????

But make sure that its noted what the repercussions are if he does not obey, that he will be evicted and you or hubby should not have to clean up after him. Even though hubby wants to keep the peace, he certainly isn’t teaching his son responsibility by saying he will clean up after him. 

If bathroom is dirty, you tell ss or you message hubby at work and send him a pic of the mess or issue and tell him to address with his son immediately

my 20 yr old ss is a total lazy bum and makes a  mess and expects me to clean for him because he didn’t know when trash is full of all his crap, that he needed to empty it but instead he dumps it on the floor when we have a 31 month and 16 month old daughter and son. 

Its normal for him to dump his takeaway trash on the floor and skewer sticks hanging out of bags etc.. i take a pic, send to hubby with “address this immediately because if one of our kids stab themselves with it, would you like me to return the favour and stab your kid”, that tells and shows hubby his son is being an inconsiderate prick and keeping the peace by cleaning up his mess is not reasonable or fair on him when he’s at work all day.

i knew in the beginning complaining about ss was useless so i gave hubby an ultimatum in future what housework duties were expected to be done by hubby since his lazy ass son is a slob. Didn’t take long one shitty day at work, hubby gets home at 10pm and sees trash overflowing, kitty litter not cleaned whilst i had been busy all day with a then breastfeeding newborn and 1.5 yr old toddler. Hubby told off his son to wake up and help out, don’t turn a blind eye because i should not have to come home to this mess when he’s been all day in his room on his computer playing games or sleeping. Ss response was “mmmmmm”..

shortly after hubby made him vacuum the whole house, ss wasn’t happy when hubby told him the night before, hubby messaged me the next day whilst at work, i told him he spent almost an hour vacuuming and ss messaged hubby to say he had finished vacuuming and tomorrow not interrupt him or expect he do any housework as he would be sleeping and playing computer games. At that point i wished my 2 kids were old enough to put this ss in his place, but his dad said “ok”, what daddy should have said is “no, you need to help doing this and that tomorrow, once that is done then you can have your me time”, what hubby taught him by saying “ok” is that he can bribe ss in a way.

Hubby came home house was spotless and said to himself “you know what, he should do this more often and help out” because it teaches him how hard it is to expect me and hubby handle all this on our own, it aint easy. Its a long process and i feel this adult ss needs a good kick up his arse

I wish you all the best. I have lived a life of hell with my SD mooching off of us forever. It started WAY back and we have spent so much money and time. Dh just cannot bring himself to treat her like an adult in her late 30's. She is now out of the house in rehab---She is very manipulative and able to gaslight anyone. I am a very perceptive psych nurse who sees right through her. She knows that and that is one reason she does not want me around. I call her out on her behavior. Her mom and dad coddle her. I just don't see this ending well. I hope you are able to really stick by the rules. Seriously, if you don't, and it's very difficult, you may never get him to leave. I wish you the best. 

Are you preparing his meals for him? My SS moved back for a year and a half at 23 and it was like he was still a teen. DH and I bought food and cooked his dinner every night. That was one of my biggest annoyances. Even if DH and I had a date he would leave him money to go out!!  There were no rules because he had depression! I had to put my foot down for DH to even make him get medication. He finally moved out and got a job ( left college with one semester to graduate and hasn’t gone back). DH will never have any rules because he’s afraid SS may harm himself if he does. I never know if he will be back or not. He does come to our house to do laundry because it is free. I like him but I don’t want him to move back and us take care of him again.

Don’t let him move back in!! You can have all the well thought out rules you like, it will still dement you having him there in your space.

I’ve made DH agree that once they are out that is it. No moving back in for any reason. The thought of getting rid of them and then boomeranging back into our home is just awful.

Save your sanity.