DH co-signing mtg for skid behind my back - vent
After the Christmas sh!t storm, skid returned a couple days later because DH said we all should sit down and talk. I told DH that I’m concerned that he will avoid talking and say nothing. Yup I was right. By the end of it DH just says “well I guess we will just hit the reset button and do better”. I could feel my face turn red with anger but I wasn’t about to let skid see that there is a great big divide between me and DH. All skid said is he frustrated that he doesn’t have his own place and he doesn’t have his dog. Like that gives you a license to be an a$$hole.
I went out to the garage and DH followed. I was mad, I turned and looked at DH and he was in tears. I was sucker! I felt terrible for him, he apologized for his son, broke down and told me he thinks something is wrong with him and needs my understanding more than ever right now. I did tell him I am never hosting Christmas again with his son here because he always does something to wreck it.
Skid has been much better since, but I am still mad.
Now skid24 thinks he should by his own place so it’s not an issue to have his dog since lots of rental don’t allow big dogs.
DH jumps right on that train, thinks that’s a great idea. Skid doesn’t have 2 nickels to his name and would need to save for down payment. The forced savings/rent that we charge him is $250 per pay cheque, which once the agreed upon 6 months is done there will be $3k which is enough for first month rent and damage deposit but not the $10k he needs for a down payment plus he would need more for other expenses. So by all the talk between the 2 of them it sounds like he will be here longer, especially since the place he has in mind won’t be built for 9 months from now. But no one asked me if that’s ok. The signed agreement says it may be extended upon agreement of all the parties. I’m one of the parties!
DH has been very tight lipped about anything to do with skid buying a place, doesn’t even mention skid wants to look at a few more resale homes, I just over hear skid tell his GF. DH didn’t even tell me he was working on skid’s mortgage approval until he asked me for skid’s tax stuff for the last 3 years, then I asked DH and he confirmed. That was a week ago and I have heard nothing, the approval would have come back by now.
In light of hearing nothing it made me very suspicious. So i snooped. Found an email sent by DH attaching an employment letter, a letter from DH’s employer. The thread had the mortgage broker confirming approval and needed some more paperwork to make official. So this means DH is going to co-sign the mortgage. I am so effing mad. I already told him that we or him will not co-sign for skid. Too much risk. If he was a responsible adult I would consider but he is not. He will default in the first year or even the first 6months.
DH is away on business returning late tonight. I’m mad because he is stupid for considering this but even more mad that he was going to hide it from me and just do it.
I have told him over and over again don’t lie to me either outright or by omission because I will never be able to trust you. He lies about so much when it comes to skid, I’m just tired of it and pissed off.
- grace8205's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Is that legal??
When my DH got the loan for this house ( I lived in another state), I had to sign a form acknowledging it and giving " permission". You might want to make sure your signature hasn't been forged somewhere.
Since the mortgage is not for
Since the mortgage is not for DH himself but for skid and DH as a co-signer the lender will not be seeking spousal consent from me.
Ugh. That would be the end
Ugh. That would be the end for me. It's such a blatant violation of trust - I couldn't recover from that. I hope he's not really planning to secretly co-sign.
I don’t when or if he was
I don’t when or if he was planning to discuss this with me. But I will be bringing it up before any contracts are signed.
I agree. This would be the
I agree. This would be the end of the line for me. Not only is he lying by omission (he knows you would say no if he asked), but also showing he will do anything for ADULT skid - your marriage be damned. He is putting his ADULT KID above you and your marriage.
And so let's say he signed...and God forbid something happens to him. You are married - guess who is on the hook for skid's mortgage....YOU. Super... responsible for a person's mortgage that is not responsible with money. Someone that treats you like crap. Awesome. And even if something doesn't happen to dh, you are still responsible for it since you are married!
This would be it for me.
That may not be true (that
That may not be true (that she's on the line for a loan DH co-signed for) depending on state laws. Spouses aren't always on the hook for debt they knew nothing about.
But still - it's wrong of him not to check about that first, at the very least.
She's in Alberta Canada.
She's in Alberta Canada. Quick google search says yes. OP should seek legal legal advice.
If skid defaults on the
If skid defaults on the mortgage and DH takes it over as co-signer but then DH can’t make the payments for any reason, then the lender could attach to DH’s portion of our joint property and force a sale if it got that far.
Yes, defaulting ONE issue
1. OPs DH does not have a lot of extra assets.
2. Even if the kid does not default, the guarantee alone will likely prevent OP and DH from getting loans they may want. I realize they recently bought a house, but they could move, want a car loan, whatever. Having the outstanding guarantee may result in a lender saying no to them.
Looks like DH is buying some
Looks like DH is buying some new real estate!
I'd be most mad about the "we'll hit the reset button and do better". Sounds like he's talking to two children. Which is exactly the problem, he treats this as if it's a problem between two of his children.
I think I would have to make
I think I would have to make it crystal clear to him that what ever mortagage he co-signs with SS, he better make sure that SS has a room for him becasue that is where he will be residing.
I am feeling fiesty today.... maybe don't take my advice.
I'm so mad right now that I
I'm so mad right now that I feel like telling him that.
Feisty or not, I'm right
Feisty or not, I'm right there with you. This would be the final nail in the coffin for oh so many reasons.
A mortgage is a life altering commitment. That it is being pursued with/for another party, without conversation, without so much as informing you is beyond the pale.
Even if you are not legally responsible for the debt, how much will you get to indirectly fund for DHs little ray of sunshine?
Picking up missed payments, DH unable to contribute in your household because he's contributing to SSs, the financial and emotional hostage situation you're likely to be in. For how long? The term of the mortgage? Until SS can refinance under better terms? Bankruptcy? Foreclosure? The rest of your life if you stay in this marriage?
So many (what I assume are) unintended consequences just lurking around the corner on this.
No lender provides a pre qual, pre app or loan approval with a 9 month lead time. Whether or not you intervene, whether or not DH voluntarily brings this up before he saddles himself with another mortgage, all signs point to this being a go from what you've written.
That would be it for me.
red flags....
There are so many....
OP, please print out anything you can find related to this. Separate your finances, and if you have all combined finances, then put exactly half into your own account. Like... right now. When your idiot of a DH comes home, tell him that you know everything. Trust is broken. And that you plan on filing for divorce unless going forward he gives you full access to everything - email, phone, all accounts... and tells his idiot son that he is no longer welcome in your home.
Including the house
Maybe speak with a lawyer to see if putting the jointly owned house into a different form of ownership that will reduce your liability to creditors, like tenants-in-common or a trust. Sorry you are going through this.
Oh, hell no. I would lose it.
Oh, hell no. I would lose it.
This shouldn't have even
This shouldn't have even gotten to this point.
If your stupid SS got a dog before having his own place, that's on him. I pity the dog, but you can't pity SS who banked on everyone paving the way for him to have what he wants before he does the work to get it and keep it. But that's history now...
If your SS hasn't found a rental place that takes dogs, that's on him too. Keep looking, junior. They're out there. Maybe he and dad need to start scouring for rentals together -- that way dad will see SS is full of shit telling him there are no rentals that take pets.
Your husband has been taken for a ride (although I'm sure he was belted up and ready to go the way they all are when skids snap their fingers) if he thinks the only solution to the dog issue is SS buying a place. Dad just wants to say "yes, yes, yes!" to this ridiculous plan because it makes him a hero to SS. No credit for you, I'm sure, even though you will also pay if SS defaults.
When you talk to your husband about this, that's the route to take at the start of the conversation -- there are other housing solutions than BUYING. In my area, there are apartment complexes that state right on their promotional materials that pets ARE permitted. I'm sure they're available where you are too. If no rental will take the dog, then the dog must go and SS will have learned an important lesson...but I'm sure if the option is to find a rental or get rid of the dog, your SS will figure it out. He just doesn't want to figure it out if he doesn't have to.
So first talk your husband into taking more time to find a rental -- immediate crisis is delayed that way.
Then you can deal with your husband's grand lie...and it is grand. I don't care if someone else here called it "snooping." If it's in your house or affects you, IT'S NOT SNOOPING!!!!!!!
If he has any conscience, he will be horrified that you already know what he's up to. Use that to your advantage.
You must make this BIG. You must raise such holy hell with him that he never even thinks of pulling this again. You must tell him that whatever half-assed plan he cooks up with his skid, you will always find out, "so wouldn't it just have been better if you asked me in the first place?"
I'd also ask him, "So when were you going to tell me? When SS defaults? Did you think I wouldn't notice that kind of money flying out of our account???" Make him feel ashamed for not foreseeing the damage this might have done to your relationship. Make him see that catering to SS would have potentially left your finances and marriage in shambles. If you can't bring him around to see that, it might be time to move on. But your husband sounds like mine...making promises in the moment to a skid without any thought to the worst possible outcome.
God, it makes you wonder how these stupid men survived to the age they are with such poor judgment and lack of cause and effect...
Yes, lots of rentals take pets.
Even dogs. Even large dogs. Smart landlords know they have a much larger referral base if they do not exclude pets, and pet owners tend to be responsible (present company possibly excepted). And they can collect pet deposits and pet rent. The only reason I dont take dogs in my rental is the condo association says no.
Many mid-20-somethings get 2 or 3 other young adults together and rent a property, even a house. On their own!
Yep
at one time DD and SIL had 3 large dogs and 1 cat. They were able to get a rental. Methinks Junior
1.doesn't want to pay the pet deposit
2. has such lousy credit/work history/ criminal record that no landlord will have him as a tenant.
You need to get those divorce
You need to get those divorce papers filed BEFORE he signs on the dotted line.
What?!?!
OMG! I would be so angry if I were you!!! I live in Alberta too, and just went through the process of buying a house and it was HELL!!! If he doesn't have over 20% down payment, they have to go through a "Stress Test" with the CHMC insurance. You tell your "D"H to NOT sign those papers until he's 100% clear what he's getting himself, and you, into.
See!! It doesn't end when they leave the home. This just goes on and on. I'm sorry Grace. I hope you're able to get through to him before he financially ruins you.
In addition to everything
In addition to everything listed above...How about skid doesn't have a down payment? Is DH (the d is for dumb in this instance) going to give him the down payment?
Skid is planning to save over
Skid is planning to save over the next 9 months, however I would not put it past my DH to give him the money.
Is 9 months the target for
Is 9 months the target for whatever property has not been built yet?
If the application SS/DH have started is with the builder's preferred lender with a 9 month build time there is a chance that when they go for conversion/final approval it can be done without DH. Any decent lender will guide SS on what he needs to do in order to make that happen.
Hopefully they did not enter into a purchase agreement as those are typically done in tandem with a mortgage application for builder/lender combos.
If it's not the builder's lender and he really plans to hold out for 9 months for that specific property, any approval they're getting now won't be worth the paper it's written on by then. So you may have lots of time to convince your DH that he started down the wrong path before it's too late. Or remove yourself before he makes it official.
That is exactly why I asked..
That is exactly why I asked... mortgage applications do not typically have a shelf life of 9 months. I think mine was 3months to find a house.
Mortgage
I hope you ladies are right and DH has not already signed, but given the documentation going around, I am fearful. And I dont see the kid getting credit worthy in 9 months. this is ugly
This is a major dealbreaker for me
Because money is leaving our household to fund ss for something he should be solely responsible for then comes issue of defaulting. He doesn’t have a history being financially responsible so when he defaults (not if but when), hubby has to pay for it taking money out of your household meaning you are subsidising things and bills and if he defaults and hubby can’t pay with money he doesn’t have then your home has to be sold.
This means hubby has gone behind you back to make you financially responsible without even discussing with you. He lied to you, went behind your back, the trust is gone and this is major betrayal.
this is involving your finances now but never were you consulted, i’d suggest hitting him with divorce at least you’ll get your share of money before he defaults on payments
your husband has not treated you like a wife or equity life partner in any way.