How to Handle
How do other SM's handle adult step children who are basically good, but who by their lack of courtesy cause you grief? Here is my story. This is the 2nd year in a row that I have not recieved even a verbal Happy Mother's Day from any of my 4 adult SS's (aged 21 - 30) or their significant others.
This year on Saturday DH and I watched 2 of the grandchildren while their parents were in a wedding. We took them for the entire day taking them with us to a party and to the wedding, and took them home for the night. On Sunday morning when the parents picked them up, they did not even say Happy Mother's Day.
The youngest SS and his girlfriend spent the night unbeknownst to my DH and I and when they finally got up at 10:30 Sunday morning, they got cleaned up and talked to DH in front of me, read the calendar to see what is going on and did not mention a word to me. Also this is the SS getting married in a couple of weeks and DH and I threw them an engagement party and are hosting the rehearsal dinner for them.
In addition, I just get a call to babysit for another SS's 2 year old next Monday on my day off.
I take care of buying birthday gifts, hosting holidays, even hosting parties that the children want to have in our home for their conveniences. I have them over for dinner, they stay in our home for those who live or have lived out of town.
While I realize I am not their mom and I have not tried to take their mother's place, am I expecting too much to think that a Happy Mother's Day or a card should be offered. They also rarely acknowledge my birthday. My SS's have nothing at all to do with their BM, so this is not a competition between her or me.
My DH does not say anything to them to make them think that they are hurting me or even acting as if he believes that they should say something to me. But, of course, if I should say or do something they (particularly the SDIL's) do not like, they do not hestitate to talk to him when I am not around about me.
Their lack of consideration for me is getting me down. My DH says it is because they are young and I have to let these things go. My friends tell me the same thing because they want me to be happy. Should this be something a SM lets go and just ignores. It feels wrong to me that they are allowed to expect me to do for them, but then cannot do something simple or nice back to me. It also bothers me that I believe I am doing the things that DH wants me to do, but then he does not see a need to tell them that this is a 2 way street and that they need to remember me at times other than when they need or want something from me.
I have considered disengaging, by telling DH that I will no longer host holidays, buy gifts for them or their families, or by making any efforts to help them. I have also considered telling DH, that if it is okay for SDIL's to talk to him about me, then the next time it happens, I will then take the same action and talk to SS's about all of the SDIL's shortcomings. I really do not want to do this as I feel that this will not help in building a strong relationship between DH and me, but how will this end if I continue on as it is now?????? Or maybe I am expecting too much for it to end????
Too young?!
You're kidding me! People who are old enough to get married and reproduce are certainly old enough to understand that it's polite to at least say "Happy Mother's Day" to a stepmother who does so much for them. But hey, I think that of my skids and the youngest is just 12. And no, I don't hear it, either. Never have. My step-sibs are in their mid to late thirties and I know that neither one of them ever acknowledges my mother (their SM) for MD or her birthday and she does quite a lot for them and always has. Personally, I say that if you can't give back, then you should not expect to receive. Let's see how they would feel if you ignored one of their special days. Your DH should put a bug in their ears or, failing that, a boot in their asses.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Thanks
Georgia
Thanks. I know that it sounds like I am expecting to be acknowledged and I guess I am, but geez!!!
Here it is Mother's Day morning and you are picking up your two children that I have taken care of for the last 24 hours and you cannot even as much as say Happy Mother's Day. I and my DD helped the children color pictures for their mom and they gave them to her in front of me and not once did anyone say anything about the day to me.
I am not looking for gifts, but in my mind it is a "nasty" thing to be in your home on that day after you have helped them and not say anything. Honestly, it makes me feel unappreciated and used like I am there for when they want something, but as a person, I do not deserve their time. This is why I am considering stopping to do things for them.
You
sound like a very kind and selfless soul. But you have to remember that "no good deed goes unpunished". (JUST AN OPINION) These kids "might" appreciate all that you do at a later date but don't count on it. Your husband needs to get involved with this situation or you just stop doing things for the steps without MAKING ANNOUNCEMENTS.
Personally, I don't do anything that requires a thank-you. If I need to be thanked for something (because I really went out of my way), I either DON'T DO IT or am VERY CAREFUL for whom I do it.
Your husband will love you even if you don't bend over backwards for these kids. You are worthy without the selflessness---it isn't necessary. You'll figure it out!
Remember the word stepmother still includes the word mother
so thats my point.......if you (like me) have to do the cooking ,cleaning, laundry, driving, $$$$$$$$, talking, listening,teaching and all the goodies that make us step moms, than darn it.....we ALL deserve to be noticed on mothers day. Thats my thought!!
I never expect anything from
I never expect anything from my step-children on Mother's Day. I am not their mother. (and they have one)
And, any step-mother doing all those chores listed above with no help, and feeling resentful about it? Needs to google "disengaging step-moms" Do some reading.