I tried to post a couple of weeks ago, but could not find my post after I thought I submitted it so if this sounds familar sorry.

I just need to know if I am expecting too much of my adult SS's and their spouses? All I want is consideration and respect from them. I have read other's posts here and my problems are not as difficult as what many of you post about. My SS's all married and raising families of their own. They are pretty much on their own with good jobs and no abuse problems. Having said that when I read the posts here though I think even without the substance abuse there is still the general lack of respect. I often feel like I am just dad's wife and that I am not really considered part of the family. Sure they play along on holiday's but I know for a fact that 3 of them called the 4th one and told him to not let his children call me Grandma. Yet I am expected to do the "grandma" things for their kids and be available to babysit though.

They rarely directly ask me anything and go straight to Dad, even if it is about babysitting when I am the one doing it as he usually is not even in the house because of his work. I have talked to DH about this and tell them he should tell them to call me and if does tell them that then they may or may not call.

One SS and his wife live out of town, and they will call Dad to say they are coming in on this day and will be at the house. But I do not know how long they plan to stay or what is the plan for when they are here. DH just says yea okay your coming in to them, but I feel like I need more information when SS, his wife, and 3 grandkids are coming to stay. Will they be here for all 3 meals for 2 or 3 days? I want to know so that I can make plans to get additional groceries if needed.

I have one SS who recently called and had the GD ask DH after I answered the phone, if he would have a sporting event party the day after we were having the entire family here for a holiday. SS wanted to do so because he could not get the game on his TV. I am the one who does 95% of all the housework and party preparations in our house I think I should be asked and I think it is inconsiderate to expect anyone to host 2 parties both with over 20 people 2 days in a row.

Then this same SS also came into our house and hung out with a friend while my DH and I were visiting with my family one holiday. This SS only lives about 2 miles from us and he wanted to show friend our basement that was recently remodeled. I found out when we got home late that night and found the beer in the refrigerator and empty cans in the trash. I do not know why SS needed to show anyone our home when we were not there and I am truly upset that he did not have the courtesy to at least call and tell us what was going on. Plus I know he called the house and knew we were not home as his phone number was on our caller id that evening. He could have at a minimum left us a message about what he was planning to do.

Then I have a SDIL who thinks that when she stays here that she should be allowed to do whatever she wants in my home without talking to me. For example, at Thanksgiving she brought her Christmas gifts here to leave in our home until they would be back at Christmas to distribute them because that will save her packing at Christmas. I would help if asked but I do think it is only right to be asked and not just assume that it is not a problem. She also pushed the bed that the kids sleep in here against a wall and I understand it helps to prevent rolling out of the bed at night, but why would she not return the bed to it's original position before they leave? She has to iron their clothes when they are here, no problem, except that she leaves the ironing board out in the middle of the very small laundry room every time even though they have been asked to return it to where it goes (hanging on the wall of the same room - just a matter of taking it down and hanging it on the holder on the wall - they can get it down from there). By the way she is in her mid 30's so old enough to understand.

I know these things are really pretty minor, but all of this makes me feel like I am an unimportant part of this family and the things that I want are not worth their time or effort. I take time to host them and plan large holiday celebrations and other events several times a year. I do all of the prepartions and gift buying. I cook meals and do other favors as needed so I do not feel like I do things for them regularly. And if I say anything about the issues I have, I am just being a wicked evil mean person or a bitch!

So please help me - should I be overlooking these things, am I too sensitive or are my feelings justified. If I should be letting this go, please offer some helpful tips for doing so because I am obviously not very good at knowing how to 'let it go'.